


One More Night

by Yellow_Beacon



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: ANY RE-PUBLICATION FOR PROFIT/MONETIZED SITES/APPS IS NOT AUTHORIZED OR SUPPORTED BY ME, Also the King of Dirty Talk, Canon Compliant, Choking, Designer/Stylist noona! Reader, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Kim Hongjoong is a Cute Little Shit, Mutual Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Set Between Oct 2018 to Oct 2019, So much angst, Suggestive As Fuck, Teasing, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, thigh fucking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-11-22 06:08:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 78,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20869436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yellow_Beacon/pseuds/Yellow_Beacon
Summary: I'd trained for years to be a designer, wanting to work for one of the big three's but the message that dropped into my mailbox a day just before autumn was from a significantly smaller one. I decided to give it a shot anyway, since a smaller company didn't automatically meant failure and after an interview, I signed the contract that locked me into a life changing experience as a stylist. It wasn't what I'd been studying for, but the group was new, and soon enough they needed someone that would ensure their success. Someone that could dress the one who would lead them all from one victory to another. Someone, who'd completely, accidentally, turned out to be me.





	1. That blood-red jacket of his

**Author's Note:**

> *drumming noises* *just pretend I'm talking into a mic, ok?* Ladies, gentlemen and everyone in between. Teens and adults who came for the music and stayed for Kim Hongjoong (and the music too, obviously) This right here is the fanfic you haven't been waiting for! The one that no one asked for! That no one wanted to read! (but my stupid ass decided to write anyway, in the middle of moving to another town. Between working, doing housechores and drive back and forth to kindergarten. Yes, yes, I have a kid)  
My dudes, sometimes I wonder if the sleepless nights are worth it... but there is just something about this man, something about him, dunno if it's the charisma or the personality that constantly brings me back but he drives me crazy and has me clawing on the walls if I can't write about him. So, here it is: My baby, who's finally ready to be released into the world after a little over a month of writing.  
I will be making edits, even after I've published this so if something is different when you (if you, thank you very much) re-read it, you're not crazy. I promise.  
I will once again, as I usually do, remind you that this is not a y/n fic simply because it's just not my style. I need a personality to base off my writing off. The person in this one is nameless, a female in her mid 20s, korean, sort of an introvert and somewhere underneath the "Demisexual" gray-A umbrella.
> 
> Title comes from Phil Collins - One More Night
> 
> I would also like to point out that I'm NOT a designer, I don't work in the entertainment business and though almost everything in this fanfic is based on real events, I've altered most situations to create a scenario of my liking.
> 
> Final update and polishing on 10/10,

I stared at the diploma in my hands, it was the first paper of many, and my hands shook slightly in the chilly late summer weather outside. I was fresh out of school, graduated just that spring and now, with all my papers in order, I was ready to begin walking down the path of what had been my goal for years. I’d been studying abroad in the US, putting endless hours and more drops of blood, sweat and tears on the concrete floor of the 'Fashion Institute of Technology' than I could count. I nervously chewed on my lip, took a deep breath and entered through the front door. A big lobby opened up before me and a receptionist gave me a big smile. I smiled back and focused on keeping the ice in my stomach. I couldn’t lose my head now.

“I’m here for an interview”  
I started and the receptionist nodded, her black hair framed her face and I swallowed my anxiousness as she asked me about my name and the email, I’d gotten a few days after applying, confirming that I had all the qualities that the company searched for. She asked me for my ID-card and my papers that involved a criminal record check, and that I was legal Korean citizen (the other option being that I had a work visa) before she gave me a shiny visitors card that would allow me to go upstairs to the waiting room. I thanked her and followed the signs up a flight of stairs and then took the elevator to the second floor. My heart pounded when I reached the waiting room. It was lit up with natural light from big panorama windows on my right and I gulped while looking over at a large analogue clock on the wall in front of me, my stomach bubbling from so much excitement that it almost felt as if I was going to be sick. Minutes passed and finally a woman in her early thirties approached me, her hand extended as she asked me my name, as you do to make sure that you said hello to the right person. I took her hand and she introduced herself as Chung Eunji and gave me a brilliant smile.  
“You’ll be fine, don’t worry” She reassured me and I nodded, grateful for her calm presence as we entered a room with three others, one woman and two men, all of them perfectly dressed and groomed, authority radiated from all three and I swallowed hard before taking a deep breath as I sat down in front of them.  
I introduced myself, presented them with my diploma, my photo catalogue and they asked a few questions in return. Things about my private life, why I wanted to work with them specifically and I tried to answer as truthfully as I could, knowing exactly why they brought forward every aspect of my life.  
Forty minutes of endless questions passed, and I wet my throat with the water that had been placed in front of me as the four of them paused. They looked at each other and the woman, Eunji nodded, a satisfied smile on her lips. One of the men cleared his throat and drilled his eyes into me and I swallowed as my mouth immediately went dry again.  
“I will tell you now so that there won’t be any misconceptions in the future. You will work with a passion pay the first three years; do you understand?” I nodded, knowing fully well what I’d gotten myself into. The salary would be lower than average, and the days would be long, but this is what I dreamed of, “You will work under a head stylist, doing what they say, when they say with no discussions?” I nodded again, rather thankful that someone would guide me through this whole new world, “You will not speak with anyone outside about what is going on within the company, respect your management and the idols working here because your future in the industry depends on the quality of your character and your clients satisfaction?” I nodded again and the man sighed almost tiredly as if he was used to give this lecture at every interview, “Most importantly. As you are hopefully informed of, any sort of involvement, be it romantically or sexually with your designated clients will lead to your immediate termination and your possibilities of growing within the company or any other company will disappear”  
I nodded again, determined to not let a boy group put a foot into my career.

…….

I started the very next day and quicker than I realized a week passed, filled with meetings and a tight schedule. I’d been designated a group of eight young men, standing on the tipping point of debuting and every day was filled with wardrobe planning, clothes checking and jewellery making. I worked under the woman who first introduced herself to me, Eunji and I couldn’t be happier. Even amongst the ten to fifteen-hour shifts, catching sleep when I could, be it in a sofa next to my colleagues or in my car because driving home and messing up my apartment was too much of a hassle. Buying food from a local truck instead of making my own and always making sure that I had a bag of clothes and hygiene articles with me every time I left my apartment. It was tough but I loved every minute of it, the busy days and nights and working with a strong team that collectively worked under the same goal; pushing our clients towards the debut.  
It was October, just a few days before D-day and I was sewing at my desk. There had been a wardrobe malfunction earlier in the day and my sewing machine had broken down yesterday, which forced me to work the old way. The jacket was a beautiful blood red and I bit my lip with concentration as I sewed hard, making sure that the thread wouldn't unwrap. I was so deep into my own world that I jumped when Eunji peeked her head into my office.  
“What are you doing here? Did you forget about the meeting?”  
I looked up in horror from what I was doing, glanced over at the clock on my sewing desk and nearly stabbed myself with the needle.  
“Let’s go” she said with a scolding voice and I hung my head as I rushed over at her, needle and jacket still in my hands.  
It had to be finished and be back on the hanger with the rest of the outfit within the hour and I didn’t have time to stop. I could see a smile tugging or her lips when she noticed that I didn’t abandoned my project and placed a strong hand on my shoulder, so I didn’t walk into things or people while I worked. She took me down a corridor, did a sharp turn, lead me down a flight of stairs and soon we joined up with five of my fellow stylist noonas, all with excited smiles on their faces. The door opened to show a simple meeting room and I looked up surprised when the scraping sound of chairs against the floor echoed among us. An explosive introduction made me take a step back in surprise and my colleague, who’s foot I just stepped on, gave me a sour look. I mouthed an apology before looking straight forward again.  
Eight men stood in a half circle around the table and I quickly realized that they were the ones that I’d been working for. My clients who seemed to love breaking everything from simple shirts to unique masterpieces, jewellery that I’d spent hours on, and I had to admit, up to this point, even though I loved my job, the endless cycle of stitching their clothes back together was tiresome. But they had all just been names on a paper up to this point and now somehow, they all became real, with each introduction and me noticing something unique on each of them, like a necklace I’d fixed or a button that I was sure I'd sewed on their clothes. The conversation was rolling as the members and my colleagues talked amongst each other and the buzzing of voices made me zone out as I worked.  
“Hey” A sharp voice broke through the laughter that erupted when one of the members, told a joke to my colleagues.  
They all froze around me, but I didn't notice, too busy with my needlework until Eunji gave me a sharp shove. I looked up, confused to see them all staring at me until I noticed that the sharp ‘hey’ had come from the CEO. I swallowed and immediately bowed, scared for my life that I’d lose my job.  
“What are you doing back there?” He asked and I gulped, not even noticing that I was standing at the back of my group.  
My colleagues moved to the side and I held up the red jacket, before bowing again.  
“I’m just sewing, Sir. I- I’m sorr-”  
“You’re sewing…” The CEO spat out the words with disgust and I gulped, feeling like I had to puke with distress, “On the first official meeting with you clients. You're supposed to get to know each other and there you stand, completely uninterested. How unprofessional, how can you ever imagine that you’ll have a successful career if you can’t even hold a conversation without a needle in your hand, huh?” My body froze and my eyes teared up, but I was so much in shock that I couldn’t even raise my hand up to wipe them off, “Who’s jacket is it? One of your colleagues? Your own?” He stood up, and I opened my mouth but didn’t have the voice to answer. He gave me a few seconds to explain myself, but I couldn’t, and the loud noise when the CEO hand hit the table and him shouting, “Tell me!” that followed didn’t even make me flinch, too paralysed with numbing fear that I just stood there.  
“Actually… It’s mine” the man who’d introduced himself as Hongjoong stepped forward and all eyes turned to him.  
He gave me an apologetic smile, cheeks flushed with embarrassment, “I ripped the fabric earlier on the dance practice, it needed to be stitched back together as soon as we’re done here. I’m sorry that it caused an inconvenience, but it’s part of the wardrobe for Pirate King…” He trailed off and I could see how the red colour that’d flushed the CEO’s face disappeared, his outraged facial expression fell, and he turned pale of realisation. He looked over at me, mouth open, probably to give me an apology but I only saw him in my peripheral, not able to meet his eyes, tears streaming down my cheeks now and I could feel how my lips pulled up in a smile, more so because it was an imprinted reaction to show off that I was ok, but it didn’t reach my eyes and I backed up behind my colleagues again. Needle still in a death grip in my hand as I started to sew again.  
-  
Another week passed, the group I was working with had their debut stage and I cheered with them afterward. Happy about the number in the audience, that our hard work paid off. The rest of our evening was free, just to celebrate the success. A rarity that I treasured. Not because I had time to do what I wanted; God knows what I was going to do with that time, but because I was one of those people who needed some time alone to recharge my batteries, so to speak. I wasn’t very outgoing, and with far less hobbies than what might be considered normal. My work was my passion, my drive and I lived to create, to mould and see the appreciation and fascination in people’s eyes when I presented my work. I could care less about what was popular, be it music, books, series and movies. My group of friends was tight but few, most of them older and living in the outskirts of the city, working in offices with families of their own. People that I’d known basically my whole life.  
I sighed, as soon as Eunji had peeked her head into my office and told me that I had the rest of my evening off, still deep into a project and had no thought about stopping, planning the wardrobe for the following week. It was more of a mind map, filled with trails of promotion interviews, showcases, stages and everyday looks for the members. It was something that Eunji herself was responsible for, but I guessed that she wouldn’t exactly scold me if I helped her, just a little. My room was dim, and I hummed softly along with the music streaming from my computer, the mind map covering my entire desk when a knock on my door made me flinch from surprise. My brows furrowed, who’d be at the company in this hour? It was after 22:30 and everyone was too busy enjoying their free time, treating themselves for a nice dinner for once or going out to get a drink with friends they haven’t seen in weeks.  
“It’s unlocked” I said while turning down the music and my eyebrows rose in surprise when a familiar face peeked out behind the door.  
“Hi noona, are you… busy?” Hongjoongs dark eyes twinkled in the soft hue of my desk lamp, a small smile playing on his lips as he looked out over the sheets of papers, covered with pieces of fabrics, photos of the latest runway fashion and pictures of himself and his members and I paused, biting my lower lip. I know how insane I must look, doing work that I didn’t even have to do late at night on the first free hours I’d had since I started. I shook my head,  
“No… come in… or stay where you are… whatever you want to do” My heart jumped and I cursed my nervous personality, never being able to form concrete sentences in front of people I didn’t know so well when I was caught off guard.  
But Hongjoong didn’t seem bothered as he came in and closed the door. The soft click as it fell in place made me swallow hard and my confused heart thumped in my chest as he sat down in a chair in front of me. He looked so different than how I was used to seeing him. I was often one of the last ones he saw before going on stage, my main work involved a touch up and made sure that the clothes and overall look was perfect. Now, with the oversized clothes, a beanie on the top of his head and a facemask resting over his chin, a can of soda in one hand and a bag of chips in the other, like he decided to drop by just before going back to the dorm, made him seem like a different person and I placed my arms around me, almost like a self-hug, to protect myself from this sudden contrast.  
“I… uh…” He placed his snacks on the table, took off the beanie, the dirty blonde hair spilling out and he dragged his fingers through it. It was already raked back as if he’d already done the same motion continuously since they left a few hours ago, “Came to say hi and make sure that you wouldn’t still be here” My brows furrowed and I wondered if I should be offended but he raised his hand and waved it quickly, “No, I mean. I recognize a workaholic when I see one. I just hoped that you’d be out with some nice company. Friends or… a boyfriend or-”  
“I don’t have a boyfriend” I interrupted, awkwardly fast and Hongjoong smiled, slightly amused by my determined answer,  
“Well, someone to brighten up your evening then”  
My head cocked to the side as I looked away and opened my mouth, not sure what to answer besides the obvious fact that the only thing that brighten my evenings right now was his and his members faces just before they were going up on stage. When the fans screamed their names throughout the whole performance and then the feeling I got in my heart when I met their adrenaline pumped eyes afterwards while I dried sweat from their foreheads and fixed their clothes. Hongjoong cleared his throat,  
“I also came to tell you that they, the management or whoever makes these kinds of decisions, want you to have a main focus”  
I gave him a surprised look and felt how my face flushed red. It was rare that someone as new as me was given the opportunity to concentrate on one member. My heart swelled with pride, usually it was only styling noonas that had been working for at least a year or two that was given this sort of opportunity but I guessed that the situation was different since they were still a fresh group and needed someone who was going to get to know the specific member. Someone who could speak on their behalf when it came to styling, whether it be hair, make-up or clothes. Someone who knew them from inside and out, their preferences and what they’d absolutely refuse to do. Hongjoong scratched his neck awkwardly and he looked down at the table, his leg bounced restlessly, “Well… it’s me. They wanted you to have me. Something about your passion and... I don’t know, they will send you a letter to confirm. I just wanted to… tell you in person I guess” I nodded slowly, still in happy disbelief and Hongjoong nodded back, paused as if he wanted to add something more but instead stood up again, put on the beanie and pulled the face mask over his face, “Have a good night noona”  
I replied with something similar but incoherent, the door shut in front of me and I flinched when I realised that he’d left, already missing his company.

…….

November came and the very first day was insane. I ran back and forth, checked with my colleagues to make sure that we had the schedule under control, getting a wardrobe malfunction when I couldn’t find the piece of accessory, a harness, that I desperately needed and broke down crying while I rushed down the corridors because the stage they were going to perform at was MNET and I refused to accept anything but success. After many phone calls and much more searching, I finally found it and returned to the waiting room where the group was designated to hang out until it was their time to perform. I basically stumbled through the door, the harness in my shaking hand and Hongjoong rose up from his half sitting position on the couch, careful not to wake Mingi who was snoozing next to him.  
“Hey, are you ok?” He squeezed my shoulder and I nodded quickly and swallowed. I refused to feel sorry for myself when I rubbed the tears from my eyes so I could see properly as I guided his arm between the connected parts and then secured it over his chest, finally taking a deep breath for the first time in minutes when his outfit was assembled. Feeling his heart beat fast under my distracted hand and I realized I kept it there just a little too long. I looked up, his soft brown eyes met mine and I swallowed and removed my hand from his body as if I’d burned myself.  
“I’ll see you in thirty minutes, I need to…uh… clean-up”  
I clenched my jaw, an apologising smile on my lips as I closed my eyes and left without looking back, rushed into the nearest bathroom and my breath shook as I splashed my face with cold water.  
-  
The rest of November was filled with fan signings, meetings and promotional stages and we travelled from town to town almost in a hurry, only pausing to properly rest the last night in Busan.  
The day had been busy, filled with coordinated steps to make everything, from their arrival- to the check in at the hotel, run as smoothly as it could. It was dark now and we’d all, the whole team, just finished our dinner. The distinguishable smell of salt water, raw fish, seaweed and sand burned in our nostrils and I leaned back against a street sign with my belly full with food, standing on the other side of a stone wall that separated the sidewalk and the beach, my eyes towards the star splattered sky as I took deep breaths, filled my lungs completely with chilly winter air before I exhaled again. A scream interrupted my calm state and I opened my eyes again to see the group I’d come to love, run around like children across the wet sand. I wanted to say something, stop them from getting the sand on their clothes and into their shoes but Eunji placed her hand on my arm as if she was thinking just what I was thinking.  
“They deserve it, just let them be boys for a couple of minutes”  
-  
The thirtieth of November marked the finish line for everything we’d worked for the last 6 weeks and I sighed in the backseat when Hongjoong filmed the road ahead, talked to Atiny through a video camera about the end of their first era. He’d let his hair grow, proudly pronounced that he wanted a mullet the other day and I'd only nodded, because why not. He looked good in it and more importantly, he felt good in it, proudly tugging on the strands of hair while I watched him from behind. His other hand stifling a yawn.  
The cold morning turned into a cold day and I shuddered slightly where I stood next to the camera man that recorded their log. Ready to jump in if they needed me. They had heat packs to warm their hands and I thanked Eunji when she handled me one as well, a smile on her face and I returned it, happy to work under someone so considerate.  
They played a game and as soon as I saw the word the other members had picked for Hongjoong to not be able to use; I knew he’d lose. They spoke, thanked Atiny and my prediction was right. The surprise on his face was hilarious and I had to bite on my lip to prevent myself from laughing.  
“Noona” He complained later when we were back at the company, “Can you help me please?” I gave him a puzzled look and he grabbed an eyeliner from the make-up table nearby, “I lost earlier, remember?  
“Ah” the challenge from the fan meeting popped up in my head and I gulped as he stepped into my intimate zone, basically flushing his body against mine before handling me the pen.  
“Make me pretty?” He said and fluttered his eyelashes and I couldn’t help it when a small chuckle escaped my lips from his antics.  
“I love hearing you laugh” He whispered, eyes meeting mine behind heavy lashes and I inhaled sharply, hoping that he wouldn’t notice that my heart picked up in speed.

…….

December was quiet. It felt like I could breathe again with a schedule that wasn’t as full. Most of it just preparations for their comeback in the middle of January. They had a photoshoot and there was a small interview where the main question was what they wanted and hoped to do in 2019. But other than that, silence. I’d been working non-stop like I usually did though, but at a much slower pace, enjoying the time I could put on my projects, instead of just stressing out a product. I had taken baby steps with my new role as a personal stylist so far. Simply just designing the clothes or putting together outfits, some perfectly fine as they were and some, I had to do alterations on. I was thankful, it was scary sometimes, because people depended so much on me to take care of Hongjoong’s entire wardrobe and I’d never done anything similar before. I was a designer, I knew fabrics, colours, what was **it** in the fashion industry and Hongjoong’s style was unique, different than what I usually worked with. But he helped me a lot. Spending time with me in his studio and teaching me what he liked and what he absolutely refused, gave me inspiration to create new items, new accessory and I enjoyed simply spending time with him, eating take-out together and dreaming about the future. Listening to him talk about his passions, the music he created, the lyrics he wrote. His eyes bright and laugh even brighter, a cute flush on the tips of his ears as he spoke, dressed in clothes two sizes too big, and with that dark blonde hair, that I more and more often came to wonder the softness of, in a mess, often covered by a beanie or a cap. Soft pink lips tugged up into a smile whenever I spoke, a gentle look on his face, and I felt special, like he actually listened and didn’t just hear what I said, like I was the only one who mattered whenever we spoke.  
..  
I enjoyed the first days, took the proper time to revel in my free time in my apartment but soon enough I missed the days when I didn’t have to think about what I should do next, the days that passed in a blink of an eye and I almost hated to admit that I missed it. My friends told me that I should just enjoy it while it lasts. To load my batteries for the next comeback so to speak. But I was restless, went back to my office more often at the end of the first week, bored out of my mind as the days passed in a haze, both checked and double checked with Eunji if there was anything else I could do but she just repeated what my friends said.  
“You will regret complaining in three weeks when you’ve been working on your feet for fourteen hours straight without a proper meal in your stomach”  
I sighed and my fingers itched for something to do. I started another project, just after I finished another, pulled ideas from the fashion I saw around me and implementing whatever Hongjoong had told me. Creating new jewellery and mended clothes to make sure that nothing threatened to break.  
I guess I knew but didn’t want to admit that I was lonely. I had daily contact with my mom and siblings back home, but I missed seeing more people I recognized, coming from a small town to living in a big city. I saw my friends every other week or so and even though I appreciated it, they were busy with their own lives, and usually the time we spent together ended up just being one or two hours, hasty trying to catch up over brunch or coffee and I dreaded to go home to my empty apartment. My bed was cold to sleep in, my fridge almost always empty and the walls closed in on me every time I locked the front door behind me.  
..  
I sighed as I watched time tick by on the clock at my desk, my fingers tapped restlessly over the piece of fabric I was fixing. A button had popped on one of Hongjoong’s shirts and I’d promised to fix it, half out of kindness and half out of boredom, even though it was one that wasn’t part of the stage wardrobe. I did some paperwork as well, finished some accessories I’d worked on and collected my things as the clock struck 23:00. I locked my office door behind me and then walked to one of the studios at the other side of the building, hoping that Hongjoong followed the familiar pattern he always did when he didn’t have anything else to do as well.  
I knocked on the door, shirt in my hand and only a few seconds passed before a sleepy figure opened the door, “Hi” he said, rubbed his eyes before he yawned, stretched his arms over his head and I smiled at him,  
“I’m finished with your shirt” I said and handled it to him, a confused wrinkle between his brows, looking a bit lost but he grabbed the shirt, looked at it, remembered with a nod and then thanked me before he stood aside to invite me in and sat down on the chair at the desk again.  
I closed the door behind me, leaned against it as I watched him tip the chair back, legs curled up against his chest and he removed the cap he wore and aggressively rubbed his face with his hands as if he could remove the tired state he was in with the motion. The room was full of empty cans of soda, take-away carton boxes and snack packages and it looked as if he’d lived in the studio as much as I’d lived in my office these last days.  
“You have a hard time letting it go too, huh?” I asked and he gave me a surprised look, “I mean, I do too. I miss it, the rush, having something to do every day. You with your performance and me making sure that you look amazing doing so”  
He met my eyes and chuckled, “Something like that, yeah… " He hid his hands into the cuffs of his sleeve like he was frozen and stifled a big yawn. "I could’ve taken the first days off, most of the songs are already mixed, recorded and just waiting to get a voice over them but instead of going home and relaxing-”  
“You’re here, sulking away, fingers itchy, your heart speeding and head in the clouds?” I interrupted and he bit his lip, nodding slowly, looking at me like he didn’t just see me but rather through me, for the first time. Like he recognized that we were two sides of the same coin. A mutual understanding blossomed between us and he tapped on his leg, restlessly as I looked away, nervously swallowing down the feeling of butterflies exploding in my stomach.  
“I… need to go” I mumbled, and he sat up, a bit too quick.  
“Why?” he asked as I placed my hand on the door handle and my heart skipped at the ache in his voice, like he didn’t want me to leave.  
“Go home Joongie, your members need you. They miss their leader”  
His jaw tensed up as he paused, and I knew that my words hurt him. He was already self-conscious of how much time he spent away from them, hiding in the safety of his loneliness rather than taking a step back and celebrating the completion of their first era with the people that was as close to him as his family.  
“I want you to stay… ” he said, almost a whisper, like he didn’t really wanted me to hear but couldn't stop himself from speaking the words either and I felt my stomach jump as I opened the door and walked out, not allowing myself to stay any longer.


	2. That white turtleneck of his

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Link to that thing (tm) that Joong does with his brows, https://twitter.com/hongtopia/status/1170371146790817794  
Fattest shout out to @Hongtopia for killing me in the best way possible

January and my schedule was busy again. I’d celebrated Christmas with my family, and I was happy to be back with things to do once again. I’d followed Eunji like a lost puppy throughout the end of December and it didn’t stop after New Years as I listened and executed her every command while I finished the last pieces for Hongjoong’s wardrobe at the same time, making sure to stay out of his way for as long as I could. His voice from that day in December when he wanted me to stay still resonated within me, but I was hellbent on not letting it cloud my judgement.  
It was the 4th and time for them to take their concept photos. I was there early, the sun not even up yet, my car full of clothes and accessories and I started to load out, found my way to the waiting room where I started to unpack. The only people present were some tech guys that prepared the lights and cameras and two people from a catering company that lined up one of the tables with fruits, drinks and snacks. Loud noises an hour later interrupted my peaceful mind and I stood aside as Mingi walked through the door, large confident steps while leading the group with boasting energy and what resembled the sort of chanting, you’d do at a game of sport to cheer the supporters on. Arms outstretched like he wanted to give the whole world a good morning hug, only to basically jump into Yunho’s arms when he saw me standing in the corner. Looking at me like he’d just seen a ghost,  
“Noona, you scared me. All of the others won’t be here for another hour” he exclaimed slightly offended and very embarrassed that I’d seen him, usually so cool and chill (at least around us noonas, his members was another story) curled up with his over 1,8 cm tall body, completely prepared to meet his maker. He detached himself from Yunho who was not even trying to hold his laughter and the other members pushed through the door to see what was so funny. I met Hongjoong’s surprised eyes where he stood, half hidden behind Seonghwa and I wet my lips when my breath hitched from not having seen him for close to two weeks. They all bowed slightly as they welcomed me back together with them and I bowed back, smiling. I’d missed their energy, their boyish humour and bouncing laughter.  
We chit chatted about what they’d done over Christmas and New Year’s and soon enough Eunji arrived. She gave me a look of appreciation when she noticed that I was there already and prepared to start the day and I felt my heart swell with pride when she looked over Hongjoong’s clothes and gave me a smile that gleamed with satisfaction.  
“Well, you know what to do… let’s get started” she said and motioned for Hongjoong to separate himself from his members.  
He nodded shortly, his tongue flicked out between his lips and my heart flipped in my chest when he met my eyes under long eyelashes. I grabbed the clothing rack without a word, steered past the boys and wheeled it out of the room, knowing without looking that he followed in my steps towards a dressing room a few doors down. It was a plain room, mirrors and chairs on one side of it and a sofa with a table on the other and I placed the rack between them, inhaled sharply when the door shut and the clicking noise of the lock echoed between us. I turned around, the nervous butterflies in my belly made me feel slightly sick and I swallowed deeply when I finally met his eyes again. He’d held his promise with the mullet, the straightened hair reached past his shoulders. I recognized the shirt he was wearing. It was one of his favourite private ones and my stitches could be seen at a place where it always seemed to unravel. This time it wasn’t any difference and I made a mental note to use my sewing machine the next time, hopefully but not likely extending its life expectancy for a few more months. My eyes lingered at his chest. It was puffier since the last time I'd seen him, his shoulders bigger and arms filled out the shirt better… had he been working out since I last saw him?  
“I missed you…” he exhaled and pushed me out of my distraction. Voice deeper than normal, like he was unsure of how I'd react. Maybe he thought that I was going to walk away again, and for a second I wanted to, almost stumbled from the impact as the gentle words pierced my heart like an arrow and I bit my lip, holding in a sigh at his words. I contained myself, refused to tip over an edge that could ruin me. My head cocked to the side slightly when I looked at him and I didn’t know if it was because I hadn’t seen him in a while or because I felt more comfortable in my job, knowing what to do and say by now to keep the well-oiled machine of management rolling, but damn… he looked good. Had he always looked this good? It was as if I hadn’t let my eyes linger for more than a few seconds these past months and now, I was clearly checking him out, noticing small details that I’d never seen before.  
“I missed you too... “I started and tore my eyes away from his body, “I’ve missed all of you” I added quickly, and he nodded slowly, a disappointed look shadowed his face when I included his members.  
I bit down on my lip and tried to get back to the point of why we were standing in front of each other, “Let’s get started, undress for me please” I said and fought to keep my voice as natural and normal as I could when I could see his Adam’s apple bop from gulping and he paused his movements for a second or two before he reached back to pull his turtleneck over his head and I bit my tongue to prevent a gasp from escaping.  
I’d worked with people for years now, and naked bodies wasn’t something that made me blush any longer. They were a canvas, my clothes were the paint, and together they created a masterpiece but somehow, this time, it was different, and I felt my cheeks flush. I’d never actually seen him like this, I started working specifically for him after their wardrobe for the first era was finished and since I was more in the last department of touching up rather than the preparations, make-up, dress up and styling, a situation like this one had never been close to occurring.  
“Noona?” His voice broke through and my breath hitched when I realized that I’d been staring.  
I focused on the first piece of clothing on the rack and gave it to him without meeting his eyes.  
“Aren’t I supposed to take off my pants as well?” he asked and I swallowed, suddenly nervous at his confidence and I hoped that he didn’t notice my awkwardness too much,  
“Yeah, of course, sorry” I mumbled, my gaze strained at the floor and I fought the feeling of wanting to run away.  
“I know you’re quite shy noona… but I would’ve never guessed you to be this prude” He chuckled and my brows furrowed as I looked up again, my mouth opened to protest and I paused, manually shutting my mouth again because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of my surprise.  
He looked like a dream, standing there in just his underwear. Body thin but strong with lean muscles and I swallowed hard, my mouth dry, butterflies exploding in my stomach and my heart racing as I took a shaky inhale before meeting his amused eyes.  
“I… I’m not prude… it’s just… it’s been a long time since… “I trailed off, embarrassed but didn’t had to finish my sentence.  
He gulped, nodded slightly like he knew what I talked about but couldn’t relate much and I wondered if the “no-dating” policy involved sexual encounters as well because if that was the case… I felt my stomach jump with excitement as the sudden familiar feeling of arousal pooled into my core and I felt my heart skip, hoping that he wouldn’t notice the blush that crept down my neck. He shamelessly revelled in my attention though, body flushed red from my intense stare but he held his stance and I wet my lips, seeing how his eyes flicked down to look at them when I did so and my stomach did somersaults as he looked away just as quickly, a blush covering his cheeks. The air surrounding us suffocated me and I remembered what the man had said during my interview three and a half months ago; ‘any sort of involvement, be it romantically or sexually with your designated clients will lead to your immediate termination’  
I swallowed, broke his gaze and threw a pair of pants in his direction, “Put on your clothes, we don’t have all day”  
He caught them and his face fell, a blow to his ego when I didn’t react as he hoped. He looked away as the feeling of failure made his cocky attitude shed its layers and he almost became embarrassed as he buttoned up the pants, and I felt a sting regret, but I had to ignore it. The feeling between us, what’d just happened, was dangerous and it shouldn’t happen again.  
It _couldn’t_ happen again.  
-  
The location for ‘HALA HALA’ was cold and uninviting. I stood in the warehouse with a big fluffy jacket, a sweater underneath but still shuttered slightly in the early morning. The hour lingering on the edge of still being night-time.  
“How do I look?” Hongjoong asked and did a small twirl. The dark clothes and chains clashed with his sweet smile and I shook my head,  
“Terrifying” I tried to say with a blank face but his aegyo made a smile tug at the corners of my mouth anyway.  
He wiggled his brows, the sweet smile turned playful and he raised his hands, curled his fingers into claws and growled, but it sounded more like an angry kitten than a ferocious beast. A look that quickly changed the moment the music started and he turned into another person, not the cute and gentle Joong, but Hongjoong, the leader, musician and performer and my breath hitched and I actually took a step backwards when he came staggering towards me afterwards, hot breath coming out in white puffs of cold crystallized steam. I swallowed, almost intimidated when the large presence he emitted didn’t match his body. That was of course until he removed the facemask and let out a small “I’m cold” While curling up on himself and huddled close to the person who immediately rushed forward with hot packs.  
-  
Days passed and me and Hongjoong hung out like we usually did, in his studio or in my office. Not exactly talking but just enjoyed each other's company, the other usually on their phone answering emails and interacting with fans. I avoided what had happened a few days ago in the dressing room like the plague and he didn’t bring up anything either. I felt awkward, not knowing if he’d felt the same as I’d done or if he just found my sudden distance from him to be weird and to be honest, I dreaded both possibilities equally. The time for their comeback stage came and the procedure repeated except I held up a shield of professionalism this time, not even staggering every time he had to change an outfit, kept eye contact with me as he pulled his shirt over his head and let his pants pool at his ankles. I fixed his clothes without a word, added the accessories to his body with him looking at me from underneath his straightened fringe. Didn’t react when his body flinched with surprise as I rolled the lint remover over his chest and stomach, coming dangerously close to his crotch. His hand grazed over mine at one point and it was an innocent gesture, we’d known each other for three months now, basically working on top of each other, having had meetings with the CEO in our finest costumes and also chatting together in the studio, watching pirated movies on his computer in basic soft oversized clothes and talking about new concepts, our hopes and dreams.  
I could see him hurting, wondering what he’d done wrong, but I couldn’t answer him, couldn’t explain that the reason why I was keeping him at bay was because I could feel myself falling for him, maybe not necessarily in love but falling in affection non the less, for his charm, his sweet words… and I couldn’t allow that to happen. I lived my dream, working with a company and a group that, according to the numbers, would be the next big thing. Thousands upon thousands of fans was going to look upon them, look upon their leader and it was my job to make sure that he’d not only look good, but strikingly gorgeous. Unreachable, absolutely stunning and perfect, like a God.  
-  
The rest of January flashed passed in a blink of an eye, time moved quicker now when every minute counted as we flew back and forth, made sure that everything ran smoothly.  
I slept and ate when I could, broke down for thirty seconds alone by myself when the stress that abused my body became too much and cursed myself daily when I stabbed myself with a needle or I accidentally broke an accessory when putting it in place on Hongjoong’s clothes because I was shaking too much from anxiety and lack of sleep. He often took my hands in his then, my breath hitched every time he did so and told me to breathe with him, that I was doing an amazing job and I felt my jaw tensing when I met his eyes. Sometimes with the beautiful natural brown I was used to and sometimes I would feel my heart skip, when lenses clouded them, and a soft grey would be there instead.  
I hated the stress, the pain and the misery but at the same time I lived for the moment when it all calmed down and the fans screamed as the boys went on stage. Taking deep breaths in rhythm of the music, feeling how my heart swelled with pride as Hongjoongs rapping flooded the stage, endorphins spreading the serotonin in my brain like a drug when I met his hooded eyes after the performance, tongue flicking out to wet his dry lips as his hair stuck to his forehead and sweat dripped from his chin.

…….

Stages, fan signs and interviews filled the first two weeks of February as well and it wasn’t until the 13th that I felt like I could take a breather. They recorded a log and me and the other styling noonas sat huddled together on a large sofa at the other side of the room, all with our phones in our hands, writing out schedules, mind maps, creating outfit changes and answered emails.  
The boys made chocolate and the sweet smell of it filled the room, making our stomachs grumble. I looked up from my phone, distracted as Wooyoung started to talk with great compassion about how Valentine’s Day originated, my eyes flicked involuntarily over at Hongjoong, and I felt how my heart skipped a beat when he met my eyes, hands resting on the chocolate bar moulds in front of him and eyes twinkling behind the translucent glasses. He gave me a small smile, barely noticeable behind the face mask and I smiled back before going back to my phone, hoping that no one had seen the interaction and read anything else behind it than just a friendly exchange.  
He stopped me with a hand on my shoulder when they were finished with the chocolate and the log wrapped up and the styling noonas quickly left, their schedule slightly different from mine, and I turned around surprised.  
“Can I talk to you later noona? It’s about one of my outfits”  
I nodded, a bit unsure of why he couldn’t just speak to me about it right now so that I had more time to fix an eventual problem but I complied and answered, “I’ll be in my office all afternoon” and he gave me a smile that reached his eyes, teeth pearly white and I turned on my heel to quickly walk out as my heart beat hard in my chest.  
He showed up an hour later, and I stood up, ready to receive the clothing item but his hands were empty, and I must’ve looked surprised because he locked the door behind him, the clicking sound of it made me flinch.  
“I just needed an excuse to talk to you” He said, not looking at me and talking with a pout on his lips.  
My eyebrows rose and I crossed my arms over my chest, slightly pissed that I took time out of my schedule to fix something that apparently wasn’t broken and he pushed himself off the door he’d been leaning on, making me inadvertently take a step back as he got closer.  
“I wanted to apologize. I don’t know what I’ve done and, to be honest, I’ve been too busy to even ponder on it but you’ve been acting strange for a month now, not even talking to me over the holidays and I didn’t want to bother you because I didn’t even know if you wanted to talk to me and I just…“ He paused, pouted, not knowing how to proceed and scratched his forehead, eyes scrunching, and I sighed as I suppressed the warm feeling that spread in my chest when I watched him. He reached into the jacket he wore and pulled out a bar of chocolate, one that he’d made earlier with the members, the edges were slightly melted from being hidden next to his body heat. He grabbed my hand and placed it there, knowing that I wouldn’t accept anything if he just reached it out for me to take, “I want you back, I want the noona I knew before Christmas. The noona I could kid around with. Who laughed so wonderfully at my jokes and scolded me when I messed up my clothes… I can’t stand the person you are now, you’re like a statue, emotionless when you’re next to me. I… “ He sighed, frustrated and I could feel his hands tremble slightly in mine, “I know that I’ve done something wrong and you don’t have to tell me” I opened my mouth to protest but he only grabbed my hand harder, repeating himself “You don’t have to tell me, you are different with the other members, laughing and being touchy touchy with them. I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry” He swallowed hard and let me go, turned on his heel and walked out before I had the chance to explain myself. Normally I’d let him go, it would be easier that way, but I could feel the seriousness of the situation. Hongjoong was hurt and it reached further than just him being hurt because I acted a certain way at work, it was affecting our personal lives at this point as well and I feared that I’d not only lose the wonderful friendship that had developed between us but perhaps also my chances to keep working for him if I continued to act like I didn’t even care about him. So, I ran after him, and he turned around, surprised when I almost crashed into him, stumbling as he caught me in his arms, and I gulped when his fingertips seemed to burn against the naked skin of my arms. I dragged him into a dim corridor on our left, away from a few prying eyes that watched the spectacle play out.  
“I should be the one apologizing. You’re right, I’ve been a selfish idiot” He opened his mouth to protest at my choice of words, but I placed my hand over his lips to silence him. I couldn’t tell him everything I felt, not even knowing exactly **how** I felt because I’d never taken the time to reflect over it. So, I decided on a half-truth, “Ok, here’s the deal… You look good…” His eyebrows rose like he thought I was kidding, my statement bold but somewhat stiff and I rolled my eyes, “Ok, more than good. You’re hot as hell and I’m incredibly and almost unbearably attracted to you, so much that it makes me ashamed. That’s why I’ve been having difficulties working with you”  
I removed my hand from his mouth, and he let out a small laugh, “That’s it? You’re attracted to me?” He shook his head, like he couldn’t believe what I just said before he added, “And here I was worried that you’d fallen in love with me or something”  
I sighed, a tense smile on my lips as I cocked my head like I couldn’t believe what he was saying, my heart bursting into flames, burning it into crispy ash that filled my lungs and made it hard to breathe, “No, that would be ridiculous, why would I do that?” I said and bit back any sort of reaction that wanted to show up on my face because I absolutely did felt something for him… something more than just attraction. But the lie was smooth as rippling water and he bit his tongue, nodding slightly, the moment quickly turned from jokingly to awkward and I inhaled sharply, “So, now you know… let’s just… never mention this again… I mean, the fact that you look good isn’t really a surprise, but it definitely shouldn’t affect our working relationship so… “  
“Of course,” He nodded again, a confident smile on his lips as he bid his goodbye. But I didn’t believe the confidence, mostly because I felt like I was going to be the one fucking it up.  
-  
I got my act together again after our small talk, our relationship improved slightly, and I tried to be more open to hang out with Hongjoong instead of just hiding away as soon as we had one minute over. The chocolate laid untouched in my fridge though, and I stared at it angrily every time I opened the door when we had two days off at the end of February. I paced back and forth in my apartment but didn’t do anything to break my nervous walking pattern as my head was up in the clouds with thoughts and ideas, going from my computer to the tv to the fridge and the drawing board before starting over again.  
I decided to take a walk, hoped that fresh air would help clear my mind. It was a nice day, the air crisp and I could already see how winter took its last heavy breaths, birds chirping, and a soft glowing sun warmed my cold cheeks. Snowdrops were growing in the flowerbeds outside my apartment and I watched them with glee, happy to see the sign of spring. I started to walk, seemingly without a goal but my subconscious mind apparently wanted to fuck with me harder than normal when I realized that the house, I’d stopped at about half an hour later, was the boy’s dorm. Hongjoong seemed to be stuck like a leech on my brain and I knew that it probably shouldn’t bother me as much as it did. I shook my head and was just about to turn back, angry with myself when I suddenly heard someone familiar,  
“Noona? Good morning, are you here to collect something?” Yeosang’s low but happy voice made me turn around and I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment. He was carrying two shopping bags, his manager quick on his heels, carrying two shopping bags as well and he bowed slightly when they walked up to me, bidding me a good morning as well. I swallowed, “No... I was just out for a walk, to grab some lunch…” I trailed off, not really knowing what to say to explain myself. I must’ve looked like a creep, staring up at their dorm without a plan in mind but Yeosang didn’t seem to think about it, happily inviting me to join them for a brunch instead. I figured, why not, I was already there, and I didn’t mind the company. The manager wished us a good day, knowing that Yeosang was back in the safety of his home and I reached out to take the bags he’d carried. I took off my shoes and hung my coat, already impressed with the space, excited to see the rest of the place and traced in Yeosang’s footsteps as we made it into the kitchen. I’d only seen it from the outside when I delivered packages or getting clothes that needed alterations. Yeosang gave me a small tour and Mingi and San soon joined us, happily showing off the large dorm and I giggled softly when San introduced me to his plushie dog, Shiber who he took with him every time they would go to a place that they had to spend the night. The food was already finished, brought from a take-away restaurant nearby and I helped to set the table. They all gathered around it and I was just about to sit down when I realized that we were one man short,  
“Where’s Hongjoong?” I asked and the members exchanged a look among them, already digging into the food like they were used to him being excluded from group activities.  
“Still working, as usual” Seonghwa answered, a mixture of pride and sadness in his voice and I stood up, abruptly and the boys looked at me confused, “It’s the one with the closed door” Seonghwa added quickly, bringing soup to his mouth and looked away like he knew that he shouldn’t intervene.  
I basically jumped off the sofa, walked down the corridor with angry steps, enraged at the way Hongjoong was constantly acting against his members, more than often being so captivated in being a good leader that he sometimes forgot how to be a good hyung. I ripped the door open, stormed in and Hongjoong clutched his laptop tightly against his chest as if it was a baby he needed to protect, a small yelp escaped his lips when I glared daggers into him where he sat on the lower bunk bed. He swallowed when he realized that he wasn’t under attack and removed his headphones,  
“Noona? You surprised me… what are you doing here?” He said, face flushed, and I tensed my jaw, not knowing how to respond, taken aback when I looked at him. His hair was a mess, large glasses covered almost half his face, lips dry and slightly cracked, pink from his constant chewing on them, like he always did when he concentrated on something. He let out a small gasp when he noticed my eyes on his body and he tried to cover himself up with his pillow, hugging it against his chest, only dressed in boxer shorts and an oversized top. The fact that he just sat there, looking so effortlessly good, having spent the entire night in front of his computer, eyes glazed with exhaustion, thighs red where the underside of the laptop burned on them, the room smelled of musky sweat and cologne and I wanted to scream at him, angry that he was constantly pressing on my every button. Pissed off beyond belief when my riled-up body pushed on the feelings I had for him, furious that I couldn’t tell him how much it hurt when he was picking away at my heart, making me more and more delusional every time I saw him, and just so, so tired of the way he was treating the people around him that it made me want to cry. He was selfless but, in a way, that he’d rather put others on pedestals because he didn’t want to stand there himself and therefore hiding away when others wanted to spend time with him. Not understanding how much people actually enjoyed his company.  
“If you don’t get up and join the others, your members... the people you call family and have the meal that they’ve prepared for us, I will take your laptop with me, walk out the front door and you’ll never see it again, do you understand?” My voice was pleasantly calm, and I gave him a smile.  
I would never take his laptop, of course. I knew how much it meant to him and how much it would hurt if he lost the contents on it, but the seriousness of my voice made him nod, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. Five seconds passed and then ten and he still held the laptop in a tight grip, his knuckles white.  
“So, what are you waiting for?” I said, getting more and more impatient and he took a shaky breath.  
“I’ll… join you soon… I just need to change my clothes” he said, and I squinted my eyes at him but didn’t feel the need to stay if he understood that I was serious so I left and joined the others who avoided my eyes, probably scared that they’d get into trouble as well when my emotions already ran high.  
Hongjoong joined us a few minutes later, smiling when the members shouted out a big welcome to him, they all scooted to the side and served him some food as well. I met his eyes, but he quickly looked away again, his tongue flicking out to wet his lips and I tensed my jaw, feeling my mouth go dry.

…….

It was March and the last stage of promotion for the second era. I was attaching Hongjoong’s jewellery and tried my utmost not to drool over his red costume. He looked unbelievably good and I had to bite my tongue when he let out a small gasp as I pulled on his belt, his body flushed close against mine with the movement and I fastened it, my fingers so dangerously close to where I wanted to place my hand that I felt myself sweating. The thought of just giving in to my desire and palm him right then and there in the waiting room with at least ten other people around us, made my cheeks flush and I avoided his eyes when they curiously searched for mine.  
“You’re done” I said shortly and took a step back, but he gripped my wrist like he didn’t want me to leave yet. He'd been doing that more often these last days as we worked endless hours close together. His fingertips often reached out to softly touch my arm or hand without a clear reason as to why or gently twirl a lock of my hair when I worked on his clothes. I always avoided his eyes, scared that I'd give in and press my lips against his if I met them, feeling how my face flushed red every time.  
I gave him a meaningful look to remind him that we weren’t alone, my eyes flicked out over the room. He followed my line of sight and quickly released me again, straightened out his clothes, gave me a final look under his fringe and then left me to rush out on stage, the fan chanting could be heard through the wall and I sat down with a sigh. I took out my phone, took a sip of my americano while I answered emails and tried my hardest to shake the suffocating feeling that weighed on my heart. A TV in the room showed a live feed of what the camera’s recorded and I couldn’t help myself as my line of sight moved up on reflex when the song started, my eyes not leaving Hongjoong for a second and I chewed on the side of my cheek as his part of the chorus started, him dropping his body before the iconic dance move with swinging legs and thrusting hips started and I quickly looked down at my phone again, flustered. I sighed and cursed at him for being such an ass.  
“What was that earlier?” Eunji peered down at me with slightly upset eyes and I felt my heart skip a beat, scared that she'd read something into our interactions.  
“What was what?” I asked, my voice almost failing me, and she motioned at the TV with her head.  
“What he did before. He grabbed you… does he hurt you?” her concerned voice reminded me of my mother and I quickly shook my head while taking another sip of my americano.  
“Nononono, he just… he’s fine, I mean, I’m fine… we’re both fine, we’re friends” I stumbled over my own nervous words and Eunji looked at me like she didn’t believe me but it would threaten our work relationship if she dug deeper into what I was saying so she just gave me a scoff and walked away.  
The boys finished, jogged down the hallway back towards us and I stood up again, ready to help. They stumbled through the door, sweat on their brows and I congratulated them on a well-executed performance. I handled Hongjoong a mini fan and a bottle of water and he took it with a smile, his eyes rolling back slightly and his eyebrows did that thing I’d grown to love, but couldn’t describe to save my life when the cold air fanned his face and I swallowed hard to suppress a gasp at the lovely expression. He gulped down the water, some of it dripped down his chin and landed on his clothes and I tensed my jaw and gave him a look that spoke of my disapproval. One brow rose when he met my eyes again and he stuck out his tongue at me, knowing that water wasn’t worse than sweat and that my reaction was more based on his recklessness. He went to sit down with his members in a sofa at the other side of the room and Seonghwa soon asked for a video camera so that they could record a log. They talked about how much they’d enjoyed this era and was looking forward to have a break but that they obviously were going to miss Atiny as well, their fake crying made me giggle softly and it was as if Hongjoong had sonar hearing because he met my eyes and smiled brightly and I couldn’t help but smile back as my heart flipped in my chest. Seonghwa recorded Yeosang for a bit, praised him and I couldn’t help but snicker as they talked about the stage. Hongjoong rushed over to me and I felt my breath hitch in my throat when he came so close to me. His cologne hitting me in the face and making me dizzy.  
“Are you finished with this?” He asked and placed his hand over mine, taking my americano away from me when my flustered state let it go and I was just about to open my mouth to protest when he interrupted me, “You’ll get it back” before he laid down on the sofa, a book that he’d been reading whenever he had the time, in his hands and he gleefully called for his hyung to record him as well.  
I shook my head to their shenanigans and opened a bag of snacks instead while I waited for my coffee to come back. San joined with some beef jerky at the end of Hongjoongs talking, half joking and half bullshitting to the camera and I chuckled softly when he raised a piece of jerky over his head, flinging it back and forth like a 1800th century merchant who tried to earn a living. Hongjoong jumped up again and rushed towards me, just as Seonghwa moved the camera over to Mingi, dipped his hand into my bag of snacks, stuck out his tongue at me when I protested and then dove back into the sofa, earning a laughter from the styling noonas standing at the make-up table on the side and my heart swelled as he laid down on the book, using it as a pillow, my americano cold and forgotten on the floor underneath him.


	3. That black sweater with the donut kid of his

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Link to mentioned sweater: https://ateezstylesearch.tumblr.com/post/186794427005/kim-hongjoong-acme-de-la-vie-baby-face-hoodlie

I rubbed my eyes, before hiding a yawn with a sleeve covered hand. It was dark, the big analogue clock that hung from the ceiling ticked past eight and I shuddered slightly from sleep deprivation and the chilly temperature in the hall before I pulled my sweater closer around my body. It was the 11th of March and we waited to board the flight to the US. All of us, both members and staff were nervous and excited to go on the first tour. The butterflies in my stomach made me antsy and I couldn’t sit down for long until I got up and started pacing again, endlessly going through the list of things I knew had to bring with me and compared it with what I'd packed. It was an anxious feeling, but I knew that I hadn’t forgotten anything, I’d checked, and double checked again but the feeling wasn’t going away and I simply accepted that I would have to deal with it. I looked down at Hongjoong where he sat a meter from where I was standing, diagonally away from him. I’d sat next to him before I got up, his eyes never wavered from the laptop on his outstretched legs, used to my actions since I’d been sitting and standing on repeat the last hour. I watched him, as I usually did when he was too deep into what he was doing to notice my gaze, sucked on the inside of my cheek as his fingers flew over the keyboard. Most likely writing down lyrics to a song or composing new material, eyes flicked from one side of the screen to another while he chewed on his lower lip behind the face mask.  
He looked up suddenly, probably from sensing my stare, curiosity twinkled in his eyes and I looked away quickly, raised my face mask over my mouth and nose to hide my burning face. He scoffed softly and a smile made his eyes squint.  
“I was just thinking” I tried to defend myself, knowing that he knew exactly why I was staring and he gave me another glance under his fringe that spoke of his disbelief but didn’t say anything, we were surrounded by staff from all kinds of departments and he didn’t want to cause an unnecessary scene.  
Some of the members started to record a log just before a lady’s voice could be heard from the speaker, bidding the passengers to go to their gate and Hongjoongs brows furrowed, annoyed that he had to stop in the middle of his thought process. I collected my things, gave him a glance to make sure that he really stopped doing what he did and received a look from him as he scrunched his nose at me, being fully aware that I knew him almost as well as he knew himself by now, and that he’d gladly sit and work until the very last second. I joined my colleagues and Eunji who were standing a bit further down, chatting and gossiping about the latest within the company and I zoned out slightly, not really caring at all about who married / slept / had an altercation with who and what happened afterwards. Eunji came to stand beside me, her newly cut short bob bouncing as she came to a halt and she gave me a big smile,  
“Are you excited to go back?” She asked and I paused for a second, happy but not really surprised, knowing her, that she remembered my overseas studies.  
“I look forward to New York, maybe if we have an hours or so over, I’d like to visit some of my old favourite places” I could feel my cheeks heat over the request, knowing how tight the schedule was going to be but she only smiled at me,  
“We’ll see what we can do”  
The queue started moving forward and I could hear the members talking a bit further up, still recording. Hongjoong in sweater with the bright green patterned hoodie looked back, saw me amongst the crowd and took a bee line to stand aside and wait for me, cutting off Yeosang who gave him a confused and slightly offended look when he walked around him instead. I gave him a confused smile, feeling how my heart skipped a beat when he started to walk beside me instead but he didn’t say anything and I looked down at the floor, quickly covered my ears with my hair as I felt them heating up slightly from my flustered state. Staff around us only spared a glance, used to the interactions by now and that there was no need to question our close friendship, most of them probably thought that I already had a man at home and was just very passionate about my work. I know I would (because, seriously. It was Hongjoong we were talking about and even if his looks might not be everyone's cup of tea, his charisma could charm off your pants in a second)  
We boarded and I took my window seat in front of Hongjoong, Eunji beside me and another styling noona, who was getting trained to have her own focus as well beside her. The boys continued with their log, the camera going between them as they recorded a small segment, talked about the last time they were in the US and I unloaded my luggage in the compartment above us before I made myself comfortable as an announcement over the plane speakers was heard, apologizing that there would be a small delay because they still loaded in luggage and I could feel how a cold sweat broke out on my brows, praying that Hongjoong’s wardrobe wouldn’t get lost.  
Ten minutes later and the plane finally started to move, and I put in my headphones, popped a chewing gum in my mouth, leaned back and watched out the window as we lift off. I didn’t mind flying but take off, when the engines roared and the whole plane was shaking. The noise almost ear deafening and then the sudden push forward, always made me feel a bit sick to my stomach. We were in the air within a few minutes and I removed my headphones again as the seat belt sign turned off, a voice over the speakers introduced themselves and the other cabin crew. They gave us information about the trip, when food and refreshments were going to come out, thanked us for choosing their airline and then requested that we still were to wear our seatbelts on if we sat still in our seats.  
I looked back and couldn’t help but smile, Hongjoong was out cold, head rested against the side of the plane. I decided that I should rest as well. Food wouldn’t be served for another hour and I could really use the sleep, knowing that I would work my ass off as soon as we’d land, jet lag be damned.  
I woke up an hour later by a sharp jab from a finger in my side. I frowned, annoyed and moved to the side, away from the place I knew the finger was but it didn’t stop the abuse and I opened my eyes as I received another jab and looked down, recognized the hand and looked behind me, eyes angry and sleep drunk when I met Hongjoong's. I squinted and drilled them into him, my mouth pressed into a line of disapproval and he pouted with an innocent look as if he’d done nothing wrong. I turned forward again just as the same voice from before announced that food was on its way. I sat up straighter, arched my back and stretched, rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and covered my mouth as a yawn escaped my lips. The yawn got interrupted though as a familiar finger sneaked between my seat and the wall again but this time I was ready and grabbed him, pulled his finger to my mouth and bit down, not hard, but hard enough to earn a sharp yelp from his lips as he flinched and retreated. I looked back again and gave him a victorious smile. He squinted at me but didn’t try the action again and I giggled softly for myself just as our food arrived.  
We ate, another half an hour passed, and refreshments arrived, and I reached for my coffee with grabby hands, barely giving it time to cool down before I placed the cup against my lips, winching slightly when it burned a little on my tongue.  
Another hour and the cabin crew walked one final round to make sure that everyone was comfortable and satisfied before they turned off the light and bid us a good night. I sighed, unsure if I would be able to catch any sleep, the slight turbulence made my heart beat fast and I cradled my legs against my chest while I leaned against the side of the plane, Eunji snored softly beside me and I wished that I had her calm and composed personality. I guessed it came with experience within the company, being able to sleep whenever because sleep wasn’t always a guarantee. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my own breathing as more and more staff fell asleep around me. A few minutes passed and I was deep in thought, reminiscing about my time in the states and how good it would feel to come back when the sudden feeling of a hand on the naked skin of my arm made me jump. I looked back, knowing who the assailant was but couldn’t see him in the darkness. I could hear the fabric of his clothes move though as he leaned forward, his breath hot on my face and I swallowed hard.  
“Are you awake noona?” He whispered softly, almost inaudible and I nodded before I remembered that he couldn’t see me and pressed out a small “Yes”  
I felt my heart race when he leaned even closer. It couldn’t be more than two decimetres between our faces, and I swear I could hear him gulp, “Can I hold you?” He asked and must’ve immediately realized how vague he sounded because he added, “Your hand, can I hold your hand? I… I don’t like it when the plane shake”  
I tensed my jaw, cursed my whole existence as I reached back and held in a small gasp when his warm hand clasped mine, intertwining our fingers. I was used to his skin against mine, I didn’t have much choice in the matter since I was the one who dressed him, but this wasn’t work related. This was him reaching out to me because he wanted my touch, and I swallowed hard, hoping that he wouldn’t feel how my pulse picked up on my wrist. The position worked for me, the gap between the seat and the side of the plane was quite wide but I was concerned about how Hongjoong was going to sit until I heard how he pulled down the small table attached to the back of my seat and leaned over it, probably resting his head in his left arm.  
“Good night Joongie” I said, and he sighed, a small yawn paused his reply,  
“Good night noona”  
-  
It was 21:15 and I was beyond tired.  
It was late when we arrived in LA, already afternoon and I gave the blazing sun an angry look, cursed the time difference between us. We only worked for a couple of hours but it went slower than normal, everyone in the team sludgy and constantly yawning as we unpacked and made sure that each set of wardrobe went to each member, their personal clothes and the ones for the stage separated, setting up hair, make-up and making sure that the venue was in order for the big first day three days from now. The jet lag was noticeable, a sixteen-hour difference and then missing out on an entire day wasn’t a joke and Eunji, who always had her things perfectly in order, wasn't immune to it. But we helped each other out, and everything fell into place eventually.  
I stumbled up to my hotel room, my body and mind incoherent and it felt like I’d lost an entire night of sleep. A notification on my phone went off and I inhaled sharply, my eyes closed as I paused in the middle of the corridor. Hoping and praying that it wasn’t Eunji who’d encountered a problem and that it would take longer until I could go to sleep. I opened the phone and dreaded the message but the profile photo of a familiar minion together with a text that read, ‘join me for snacks, noona?’ and an emoji with shiny puppy eyes, popped up instead. I sighed and rubbed my face with the hand that wasn’t holding my phone. My mouth pressed into a thin line as my legs shook slightly from exhaustion ‘30 minutes, my room and you bring the snacks’ I hit send, knowing that Eunji, who I was sharing my room with, had gotten more sleep than me on the plane and was probably going to stay up and work at the venue for another hour or two. I continued walking, my room just a few doors down. I’d barely been inside it, not even registering how it looked when we arrived since I immediately had to go to the venue, but the nice, fresh smell of cleaning and washing detergent was appreciated as I entered. I looked longingly at the crisp white sheets of the bed before I walked over to my bag and took out a set of oversized sweats and then went straight into the shower. The water felt amazing on my back and I could’ve been in there for an hour if it wasn’t for the fact that I'd have a guest over.  
I dried up, blow dried my hair and pulled it up in a bun, my clothes soft on my body and I opened the doors to the balcony and stepped out while I waited. My room was on the 21th floor and the cold wind blew into my face as I placed my arms around myself in a self-hug and looked out over the sea of lights underneath me for a few seconds before I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply and a sentimental, happy feeling washed over me. To think that I’d experience so much this past year, and now be back in the country where it all started, just two months more and it’d been a year since I got my degree. A knock on the door threw me out of my train of thought and I almost stumbled over my own leg as I rushed to it, feeling incredibly awkward as I did so. Hongjoong stood on the other side, wearing baggy chinos, that black sweater with the kid and donuts on it, hood over his head, a face mask covering his mouth and nose, and holding a bag from a supermarket in his hand. I could feel my heart pick up in speed and my cheeks flushed when he met my eyes, inhaled and gave me a smile.  
“I missed you today” he said and removed the hood, combed his fingers through his hair as I stood aside to invite him in before I swallowed, my heart beating hard in my chest,  
“I missed you too, it felt strange to set up everything without you there to monitor me” I joked, and he chuckled lightly as I sat down on my bed, not wanting to get crumbs in Eunji’s. He emptied the contents of the bag before he sat down as well and I squealed with happiness as I grabbed a packet of Reece’s mini cups and pressed it close to my chest, hugging it tightly. Hongjoong watched me, amused as he opened a bag of Cheetos and popped some in his mouth,  
“So, what have you been up to today?” he asked and avoided my gaze as he looked around the room, my still open balcony door made the curtains move as a gust of wind entered and I paused, savoured the taste of the Reece’s before I answered with a deep sigh,  
“Believe me, I love this job. I really, really do but I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve just wanted to walk right out and go back to Korea” I popped another Reece’s into my mouth and frowned, the thick peanut butter basically drew all the moisture from my mouth and I reached for a soda before I continued, “Eunji even had problems keeping it together for the few hours we worked” I sighed and took a sip before I rubbed my eyes, winched when the bubbles from the strongly carbonated drink scratched at my throat and how bad my eyes hurt from the lack of sleep, “and it’s been strange to be alone without you there to chat with me…”  
Hongjoong hummed in agreement and I think it was because of the sleep deprivation but I suddenly felt brave and continued, “Sorry, I think I’m just so used to have you there, next to me all the time. I’m happy that everything is good between us now, considered how strange it could’ve been if we wouldn’t have had that talk a month ago. I know I’m only talking for myself, but you still look good enough to eat and God… “I chuckled slightly, “I mean, could you imagine how it would’ve been if you wouldn’t be an idol and we both worked with something else?”  
I reached for his Cheetos and it was as if time paused for a few seconds when he looked up at me, a line of confusion on his forehead from my rambling, but then the realization that I poked on the innuendo that we would have fucked by now kicked it and he rolled his eyes before inhaling softly and handled the Cheetos to me,  
“I can’t believe that you think that this whole thing is one-sided” he said, voice dangerously low and my brows furrowed, unsure if I’d heard correctly.  
He’s eyes were still focused away from me when he brought his fingers to his mouth, his tongue flicked out to lick one finger clean from the cheesy powder that covered them. I gulped and unconsciously squirmed at the sight, wanting to look away but couldn’t. He must’ve seen my movement in his peripheral because he met my eyes when he popped the next finger into his mouth, a wrinkle between his brows and curiosity twinkling in his eyes as he licked the rest of them clean, and I had to manually tear my eyes from him, fought off the need to squirm again as the scene send a tickling feeling into my core.  
“It’s that bad, huh” He said in an exhale, but I didn’t respond, hoping that he traced back and talked about my day and not my reaction to him. He paused and I could almost hear him gulp before he spoke up again, his voice dropped another octave, “You know… I’ve been lonely since you said goodbye in the lobby when we arrived. Yunho have hung out with Mingi all day so I had time to think. Had time to do… other things as well when I thought about us”  
I looked up again, my jaw tensed as he met my gaze, a soft smile on his lips but something else shadowed his face, something that made his eyes glaze over and a precious pink to flush his cheeks and I suppressed a gasp when I realised what was happening, the air around us could suddenly be cut by a butter knife when I froze. I inhaled sharply, my brows furrowed as my stomach flipped and he bit his lower lip, chewed softly on it before he reached out and placed a hand on my thigh. I gulped, felt how butterflies exploded in my stomach and arousal flooded my core. I sighed, bit my lips, closed my eyes and tried to desperately fight off the feeling of wanton lust as he moved closer. I reached out, but the hand that I, in my heart, wanted to place on his cheek, changed direction when my consciousness kicked in and it landed on his chest instead as I stopped him.  
“Don’t, please” I opened my eyes and couldn’t suppress a gasp this time from escaping my lips when I met his dark eyes, face flushed and pink lips parted and I gulped hard at the sight, every fibre in my body screamed from my need to feel him on me but I stood my ground, “We can’t” I whispered, and he gave me a pained expression.  
“But I want to, please… I need you noona” He breathed out, voice low and whiny and my hand faltered for a second at the urgency in it. My heart flipped in my chest, but I bit my lip and sharply shook my head,  
“I can’t Joong… it’s more than just sex. We… we work together… others will notice the change between us, and I can’t risk that, I… “ I paused, his hand still rested on my thigh and it made it hard to think when he softly kneaded the skin, his thumb stroking the inner side of it and I swallowed, “I have fought for years to be in the position I am right now and I can’t risk it all, not for sex. Even though I bet it would be… “His hand finally moved from my thigh, but he placed it around my waist instead, and I suppressed a moan when he pulled my entire body towards him, my outstretched arm bending as our chest flushed together.  
“It would be… I’d make you feel so good noona. Better than you’ve ever felt. Give me a chance, please, and I’ll make you come harder than you ever had before” He purred and I fought of the need to rub my legs together as I imagined him buried between them, two fingers fucking me while he licked at my heat. The burning feeling as my panties soaked almost made me lose the small ounce of control I had. I braced myself as I looked up, our faces was just centimetres apart, and I tensed my jaw. I couldn’t move, could barely hold his gaze and I focused on my breathing instead of the way I knew his lips would taste. Sweet and tangy from the Cola and Cheetos and I bit my lip as his hand moved over my back, rubbing small circles there.  
“But I’d lose my job if we’d get caught and I can’t allow that. I’m sorry” I placed my hand on his cheek instead and he leaned into my touch, paused as he understood that what I said wasn’t negotiable and then nodded, a sad look on his face as he sighed.  
He stood up and I had to bite down on my tongue as the evidence of our soft foreplay dented his pants. I was mere seconds from changing my mind when he sighed again and looked down, blushed slightly, placed his hood over his head again and walked towards the door,  
“You can keep the snacks, I know that you haven’t eaten since we sat on the plane” he said shortly before he opened the door and walked out, the door clicked shut behind him and I borrowed my face in my hands, fell back against the bed, took the pillow next to me and screamed into it. Horny, frustrated and with a heart that split in two.  
-  
The following two days passed in a haze and I barely saw Hongjoong at all. They prepared for the stage, met people they’d only interacted with through their agents, had interviews first thing in the morning and then danced until late into the evening and I was busy with my own stuff, making sure that everything was in order and prepared for the first show.  
I woke up early on the 15th, went to the venue and ate some breakfast with Eunji who was already there,  
“Are you ok, sweetheart?” She asked while she sipped her tea, a worried expression on her face and I nodded, still a bit out of focus since I’d looked through my schedule while she asked,  
“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just nerves” I shook my head and gave her a smile through my white lies.  
“Is it Hongjoong?” She asked, nonchalantly and met my eyes over the edge of her cup and I swear I could feel my heart stop in my chest for a second, I cleared my throat, maybe a bit more forcefully than I counted on and she raised her eyebrows, expecting an answer.  
“No…?” I said, but the answer sounded more like a question than an answer and Eunji looked away as she took another sip of her tea.  
“He’s a perfectionist, you both are. I just wanted to know if he caused you too much trouble and if you wanted to change your focus. San has expressed that he is interested to have you as well…” She trailed off and I could feel a blush on my cheeks as my heart swelled with the pride of knowing that I did a good job.  
“No… I’m flattered, I really am but I don’t need to change my focus. I’m happy with Hongjoong, it really is just my nerves” I repeated, and I could see Eunji nod in my peripheral.  
The members arrived an hour later and Hongjoong only met my eyes for a second before he looked away again, not even a smile on his lips and I felt my heart drop and shatter like broken glass into the pit of my stomach. He whispered something to the styling noona next to him who nodded and gave him a smile before he sat down in the chair. I tried not to feel hurt, but it was difficult since this was the first time, he broke his schedule in all the time we’d been working together. I sat down again; a bit annoyed as well since I had my own schedule to go after and I was so used to him always getting clothes first and styling second that it was the way I lined up my own time as well.  
“Why the long face?” San sat down next to me, a big smile on his lips and I pouted, angrily chewing on my inner cheek, my arms crossed over my chest as I motioned towards Hongjoong with my head and San followed my line of sight to see who I was talking about, his smile changed into a confused frown, “But won’t that-”  
“Rattle up my entire schedule, yeah” I sighed and rubbed down the bridge of my nose, painful anxiety already boiled in my stomach from the thought of being an hour behind, my leg bouncing as I fiddled with the edge of my sleeve, “Sorry to interrupt you… I just” I gave him a distressed smile and shook my head, not able to express the thought process that had to be considered with everything in my work, but San brushed it off with a wave of his hand.  
“Don’t apologize for doing your job, there is only so much we can ask of you… I mean… we are the ones that Atiny screams for, our faces will be on photocards, in videos and to be seen live but we wouldn’t be able to live our dream if it wasn’t for you. Your hard work is not underappreciated, remember that”  
I inhaled shakily and turned to look at him, feeling how tears formed in my eyes. Others had expressed their gratitude in me before and I’d gotten compliments on my designs and work ethic but that was all colleagues and others that worked in the same business. To get such genuine appreciation from a client was different and I tore my eyes from his when I felt the tears roll down my cheeks, “Thank you. I really needed to hear that” I gave him a big smile and he opened his arms and I couldn’t help but accept the hug as I fell into his chest.  
He was built differently from Hongjoong, more bulky muscles around his wider frame and I melted slightly against him as his arms clutched around me. His hand softly stroke down my hair and I felt his heart picking up as he touched me, beating like a fluttering sparrow trapped in its cage.  
“Needed to hear what?”  
I broke free from San’s embrace and dried my eyes when Hongjoong came into view. The styling noonas had barely started on his hair and it sprouted slightly in different directions, but I didn’t find the joy to even giggle. He looked pissed, as if he and I were an actual couple and he’d just caught me cheating. I let San go, flustered that I’d just thrown myself into his lap, not that he was a stranger, but I didn’t know him nearly half as well as I knew Hongjoong and I felt embarrassment creep up to my cheeks, flushing my face red. San didn’t seem to have minded my body against his though because he squeezed my shoulder comfortingly before he stood up and took a step towards Hongjoong, voice tense but dangerously calm,  
“She needed some appreciation. She is the only one still with her own focus and works like she’d been doing this for years. You do realize the kind of stress she put herself through all the time, right? I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing but if she starts to cry from gratitude because I simply thanked her for doing an amazing job, you’re doing something very wrong”  
I looked between the two of them, confused and hurt of the fact that they fought. A rarity that only happened twice since I started working and none as serious as this seemed to be.  
“Don’t” Hongjoong warned as San took another step forward, fists clenched as if he was going to throw punches any second and I swallowed, not really knowing what to do. There was barely a two-centimetre height difference between them, San being the taller one, so neither could look down on the other but Hongjoong had the presence and authority of someone who was at least two decimetres higher. San puffed out his chest, standing dangerously close to his hyung and Hongjoong drilled his eyes into him, challenged him like an alpha wolf challenged his beta. Ten tense seconds passed as they stared each other down, not even blinking before San finally broke the eye contact, huffed, gave me another glance and walked out of the room with angry steps. I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.  
“Come with me” Hongjoong ordered, not sparing me a glance and I followed silently in his steps, avoided the concerned eyes from the styling noonas and the rest of the members, pulled the rack with clothes with me so that no one would question why just the two of us would walk away from the group, especially after an altercation like that. He opened a door several rooms down, let me enter first and nearly slammed the door behind him, making me flinch when he did so, “Care to explain?” He asked, cheeks red with anger and I took a step back, a bit frightened of this sudden new side of him,  
“Explain?” I repeated and he gave me a smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes and he combed his hair with his fingers, bit on his tongue like he couldn’t believe my confusion.  
“Was that the real reason why you didn’t want to be with me yesterday? Do you feel an attraction to San as well? You want to feel him up as much as me, huh? For him to do all the nasty things to you that I wanted to do?”  
I opened my mouth to protest, to explain that it wasn’t the case and that he was crazy to even think such a thing, but he continued to rant, “Do you know what I did after I left your room yesterday? I spend an hour replaying the memory of you in my arms, the swell of your breast against my chest and my hand around your waist… I… I continued to imagine how things could’ve gone if you didn’t force me to leave. I came harder than I’d done in months and you… It’s like you’re playing with me”  
He bit down on his lower lip, chest heaving, and eyes teared up. A pained expression made his eyebrows furrow and I wanted to reach out to touch him, to hold him but this time it was his hand that stopped me as he held it out to block me from coming closer.  
“Joong…” I started and he swallowed, furiously rubbed his eyes when he felt that the tears threatened to fall, “Do you have… feelings for me?” I asked and he sighed, his hand moved down to rub down his face.  
“I don’t even know how that emotion would even feel, I’ve never been in love… I just… when I saw you with San… I… got angrier than I’ve ever been before, it was like someone just placed a red translucent fabric over my eyes and I just had to… make him disappear” He slumped against the wall behind him, as if all the angry testosterones that had been boiling through his blood stream left in an instant.  
I bit on the inside of my cheek and reached out to him, slowly and carefully as if I approached a wounded animal. His eyes rolled back, and a shaky, controlled breath left his lungs as he closed his eyes when my fingers reached his face. I moved away some hair from his forehead and he reluctantly leaned against my touch and I got braver and inhaled deeply before I took another step forward and placed my arms around him instead. He choked on his breath and embraced me as well, his hands clutching my clothes like he was drowning, and I was his lifebuoy.  
“I’m going to tell you a story, so just bear with me, ok?” I took another deep breath, “When I was nineteen and graduated high school, I had one goal in mind” I started out softly, still holding onto him tightly, “I wanted to design for a group that was going to be the next big thing. I wanted to dress them and watch as they took over the world. I spent five years abroad, in a country I didn’t know, all on my own. It was tough, lonely, and I wanted to quit more times than I could count…” I sighed and Hongjoong shook slightly against me. I could feel him crying, his tears wet my shoulder but I didn’t mind and softly rubbed circles down his back as he breathed heavily into the crook of my neck, “But I graduated, and I went back to Korea, actually scored myself a nice two roomed apartment, with a lot of help from family and friends and when autumn came around and a job offer fell into my email inbox, I decided that I’d give it a shot. Even though the company was small and not with many artists, I knew it was a possibility that this was my chance. Because a small company didn’t automatically mean failure. I was called for an interview. It went well, they seemed to like me, and I understood what I got myself into. I saw the numbers, the interest rate of the group, **your group**, that I was going to work with, and I understood that this was my chance to have the career I wanted. I wrote under the contract without a thought that everything it warned me about was ever going to happen” Hongjoong looked up, face centimetres from mine, eyes red from tears and I swallowed down the feeling of heartache, “I was determined that I’d never let anything or anyone get between me and my passion of doing what I did… but then I met you for the first time, stitching at your red jacket at that meeting and you stepped in to defend me. I was thankful, but even more thankful when you came to visit me in my office a few days later to tell me that my decision to bring that jacket with me was the best thing I could’ve done for myself... I was over the moon” Hongjoong broke our gaze, a smile on his lips and I couldn’t help but smile back, my heart swelled over with warmth, “These following months have been amazing and I found a friend in you that I never expected to find…“ I paused and looked away, my heart sinking as I sighed, “But that is what we need to be, friends. I can’t deny my attraction to you, both physically and emotionally. I care about you, a lot. But the thing between us can never be more than this… a hug, a gentle caress to comfort, a chat when we need someone to talk with… You’re under a dating ban as well, right? It’s not just my job and reputation we’re jeopardizing, it’s yours as well… and you’re not ready to risk everything you’ve worked for… right?  
Hongjoong let me go and combed through his hair with a frustrated flick of his wrist, avoiding my gaze and taking a deep breath to control his voice, “Of course I’m not. I feel rude for saying it but no, I can’t risk it. I understand what you’re saying, and I agree. It’s just that…” He looked up again and I shuddered slightly for the heavy intensity in his eyes, “Dating is one thing, and I care about you; I can admit that too, but sex is something entirely different. I know you by now, know about the glances you give me when you think that I can’t see, the way you suck on the inside of your cheek and the way your eyelids fall. I bet that you’ve gotten off with me in mind more than once. It’s more than just an attraction. You want me too- I know you do”  
“Yes, it’s like that for you. Sex is one thing but...” I refused to agree with his statement that I’d ever gotten off with him in mind and got more and more frustrated with him as he tried to sneak his way around me to make me admit that there was a very slight chance that no one would find out about us. Silently cursed at him as he refused to understand that even though we’d only sleep together, it would still affect our working relationship and once we’d step over that threshold, it would risk everything”  
“We’d just have to be careful” Hongjoong shrugged and I shook my head, certain that he was joking around with me now. His eyebrows rose and a smile tugged on the corners of his lips, “No... you don’t even want to try?” I gave him a look that clearly told him that this conversation was over, but he just chuckled, “I’ll make you submit, just you wait”


	4. That favorite shirt of his

The following week passed in a blur, between worried glances from Eunji to angry looks between San and Hongjoong, the endless teasing the latter exposed me for, and I, somehow, managed my own work amongst everything that was going on.  
-  
_Dallas_ proved to be more difficult than I imagined, and I cursed my stupid head for thinking about Atiny first and my own sanity second when I created Hongjoong’s outfit. The shirt and jacket was ok, quite cute and innocent, the shiny leather pants though… that was an entirely different story. I didn’t dress him in the capacity I’d done before, agreeing with myself that I probably shouldn’t see him undress multiple times a day if I wanted to keep my own promise of not sleeping with him. I’d leaned back against a make-up table in a connected room, answering emails as usual on my phone when he strutted out of the changing room, fingers into the belt loops of his pants and I felt my heart skip a beat when I met his eyes, a smirk on his lips as he tipped an imaginary hat. I didn’t expect it to be quite as see through as it was. The fabric of it was thin, it had to be because of the warm Texas climate, and I cursed myself again when I met his hooded eyes. My heart raced when he took another step forward, walking crotch first like a proper cowboy. He drank my desire for him like it was a thirst he couldn’t clench, gulped it down and I couldn’t help but audible gasp when the shy teasing between us began to show up as a thick line on the front of his pants. He licked his lips, basically undressed me with his eyes as they met mine, clearly felt the restrain that was happening in his pants and my breath hitched in my throat when he took another step, almost flushed his body against mine.  
“Like what you see, noona?” he asked, a moan slipped out as well just to tease me and I gave him a disapproving look. I felt how arousal pooled from my core, but I was determined not to feed my appetite for him.  
“I’ll give you three minutes to deal with your little problem” I said with a nod towards his crotch and he looked at me, slightly offended,  
“Little?” He asked with a scoff and I rolled my eyes before I gave him an innocent smile, placed my arms around his waist and pulled him closer, his hips flushed against mine, and I felt how his cock grew harder against my thigh when I slowly licked my lips and leaned in dangerously to his face. He inhaled with a small gasp as my hot breath tickled his neck and I smiled,  
“Two minutes”  
-  
_Chicago_ and Hongjoong entered the room I had a coffee break in, both hands occupied with food and a hot drink of his own, a smirk on his lips as he approached me, and I choked on my coffee when I looked up from my phone.  
“Noona… I forgot to zip up my pants after a bathroom break and just realized after I picked up all these snacks. It’s for Eunji in the other room and you can’t let me walk in there like this, can you?” He said and tried to hide a smirk behind his pout as he basically thrusted his crotch into my hands and I pressed my lips into a thin line, not amused at all by his antics.  
I looked around to see if there was a place for him to put down the things but it was a small room, basically just a glorified wardrobe with a small sofa and even though I was ok with putting my things on the floor, I couldn’t allow Eunji’s food to be placed there as well. He licked his lips, the smirk still tugged on them when I put away my phone and coffee before my fingers reached forward and I pulled up the zipper, buttoned him up and fastened the belt as well, my fingers shaking slightly and I tried to not move a muscle when a small gasp escaped his lips, and he bucked his hips forwards slightly, chasing my fingers. I swallowed and looked up at him, my face in height of his stomach and he looked back down at me, fringe parted in the middle, mouth slightly opened and eyes glossy.  
“Really?” I asked, finding his lust for me to be unbelievable.  
“It’s always been like this noona… You’ve just gotten a new perspective because I allow myself to be like this near you and not hours later when I’m alone.  
I couldn’t do anything else but nod, bit my lower lip hard when he took another step forward and I quickly realized my compromised position as he bucked his hips forward again, almost involuntarily, like he’d been holding onto his arousal for hours and first now indulged himself to play it out, my face dangerously close to his half hard cock and I took a shuddering breath again, broke my eye contact with him and stood up, slightly pushing him to the side. He moaned with frustration, the pout back on his lips and I took the hot drinks and snacks from his hand,  
“If you get cum on your clothes, I will chop your dick off in your sleep”  
-  
_Atlanta_ and I’m just about to go to bed. My make-up removed and I brushed my teeth when a sudden knock on the door made me flinch with surprise. I opened it and Hongjoong stood outside, and my jaw tensed as I removed my toothbrush, an awkward feeling showering over me. I didn’t know who I expected to be at the other side of the door since I had the room for myself for once, but it certainly wasn’t him. He met my eyes before his gaze fell on the toothbrush still in my mouth, white toothpaste in the corners of it and I could see his Adam’s apple bob when he gulped as his imaginary ran wild.  
“Hi…” He avoided my gaze and I turned around, let the door slam in his face without a word and went into the bathroom to remove the smears of toothpaste and rinsed my mouth, cursed my entire existence as shame flooded every cell in my body.  
I went back to the door and sighed with relief when he still stood there, the same smile on his lips that spoke of slight discomfort and I stood aside to invite him in,  
“Hi” I finally replied, with a puzzled tone in my voice when he laid down on my bed, his hair sprawled over the white pillow, a headband covering his forehead. He wore a sweatshirt and soft pants and I had to suppress a sigh; the duality of his character still surprised me even after working with him for close to five months. It was tough to imagine that this was the same person that stood in his stage clothes just a few hours ago. Charming Atiny with his voice, dance moves and an endless supply of charisma.  
“You’re staring at me again” He said, a soft smile on his lips, like he didn’t mind being admired, his arms rested over his head. I looked away quickly and crossed my arms over my chest.  
“What are you doing here?” I asked and hoped that this wasn’t just another way of him trying to seduce me.  
“I was locked out of the hotel room. I guess that Yunho’s sleeping because he didn’t get the door when I rung the bell” He pouted and looked up at the ceiling and I immediately regretted the harsh tone in my voice.  
“Why don’t you ask for help at the reception?” I uncrossed my arms and took a step forward, standing next to the bed instead.  
“Because the person who has the card fixing thingy is asleep and I don’t want to wake them up, so I figured…”  
“This is the only bed” I interrupted; eyes heavy. The clock had already passed 01:00 and I was tired, way too tired for his teasing.  
“It’s big enough, though” Hongjoong moved over to the side and looked up at me with puppy eyes behind the big translucent glasses.  
I stroked down my face with one hand in a tired motion and rubbed my aching eyes with my thumb and long finger before I sighed, switched off the main lights and then sat down on the bed. I reached out for him and he took my hand, intertwined our fingers with a soft smile on his lips. The only light source was the lamp on the balcony that slipped into the room and softly illuminated us. Warmth radiated from his eyes as he watched me like I hung the moon and I swallowed when my heart skipped a beat. I couldn’t kick him out now. It was late and I even though I just wanted to sleep on my own, and spread out however I wanted, his hand was comfortable and familiar in mine and I’d missed this side of him. The one that cared for me and didn’t just look at me like he wanted to devour me. I laid down on the pillow next to him, our hands between us and he removed his glasses, placed them on the table next to the bed before he turned to his side, copying the way I laid.  
“If you make a move on me, I’ll quit the company” I said, voice calm and serious and he let out a small chuckle of surprise.  
“No, you won’t” He said, but he didn’t sound near as confident as he might’ve wanted.  
“I will. I’m too tired for any sort of bullshit right now. I just want you to hold me” I said and covered my mouth when I yawned, eyes falling shut. I shuffled closer to him, barely a decimetre between our faces and I could hear him gulp.  
“But…”  
“No” I interrupted; my eyes still closed.  
“We’re alone…”  
“Yes, but no”  
“No one would”  
I let go of his hand, purely out of spite at his persuasion before I turned around so that my back was against him instead. There was a deep sigh, and a pause before I heard him shuffle, the sound of clothes hitting the floor next to the bed made my pulse pick up in speed, and it got harder to breathe when the bed dipped slightly as he moved closer to me. He placed his arm lazily around my waist and pressed his naked chest against my back. I gulped and froze as he nuzzled his nose into the crook of my neck, and whispered a soft,  
“Relax noona. You must be exhausted. I’m sorry for pushing you. It’s just… you know how I feel”  
“I know” I whispered back, and he rubbed slow comforting circles over my stomach. I took a deep breath, not realizing I’d held it and my body eventually relaxed in his arms.  
“Good girl” He whispered in my ear, voice drowsy from sleep and I sucked on the inside of my cheek as his words did nothing to comfort me but rather went straight to my core, and my stomach jumped happily as the tickling feeling spread between my legs.  
-  
_New York_ and I spend the hour I’d gotten off work to walk around the city I lived in for five years. Hongjoong had begged me to let him join all morning and even though I initially said that I wanted to go alone, he still showed up outside my door just before I left. I only gave him a look that was supposed to scold him for not respecting my wishes, but he smiled brightly when he saw me, eyes squinting, and I exhaled a sigh as all the annoyed feelings left me in an instant. I started walking and heard how he slumped over against the wall, disappointed that I left without him.  
“Let’s go then” I said, looked back at him over my shoulder and he quickly skipped over to join at my side, camera in his hand and a cap over his head, a mask covered the rest of his face and I shook my head, my heart flipped like crazy when his tireless energy infected me.  
We took a taxi to Seventh Avenue and I immediately visited my own school, inhaled sharply when I stood outside the place that changed my life. We didn’t enter, there was no time for that, but it felt good seeing the place that started my journey and being there with Hongjoong almost made tears fall from my eyes. Even though it felt like I was constantly angry with him these days, I was angry because of my feelings for him and the anguish of not being able to act upon them, especially when it felt like he had some kind of feelings for me as well, be it the attraction he’d already acted upon or an affection that ran deeper.  
We went to a café I frequently used to visit and took a walk through a park I more than often did my homework in, preferring back then, just as now, to surround myself with the colours of nature rather than the books in a library, sitting down on a park bench to revelled in our free time for a few minutes, just before we had to go back. The glow from the weak spring sun reflected in the long jewellery in Hongjoong’s ears and I watched him, I couldn’t help it, as he leaned back against the backrest, pink strawberry ice cream in the corners of his mouth, the beams from the sun warmed his face and I wondered how it would be if we weren’t in the position we were. If he were a regular, everyday person and not an idol and I wouldn’t be his stylist but just his friend. Would I kiss him now, tasting the strawberry on his lips? Would we continue to walk, hand in hand through the streets of New York, have lunch and dinner together and not worry about anything at all? Maybe take the subway to see the statue of Liberty or go to Madame Tussauds so that he could take photos with Michael Jackson’s wax figure? Would we be able to go back to the hotel room and lose ourselves in the desire that we felt so clearly? To make love until all we felt was each other, like nothing else mattered but the feeling of skin against skin and the chase as we spurred each other towards the finish line, tasting the little death as it exploded behind closed eyelids like fireworks against a clear black sky.  
“If you keep looking at me like that, people might think that we are on an actual date” Hongjoong said, interrupting my daydreaming, a sweet smile on his lips that didn’t reach his brown eyes as he looked up at me, shadowed with sadness from the words that spilled from his lips, and I choked on a breath, the sentence hurt more than I wanted to admit and I looked away with a sigh.  
-  
We got back to Korea, the following day, and I threw myself on my bed, breathed in the familiar scent of my fabric softener. We had one week to reload our batteries and prepare for the second part of the tour, the first concert would be in London, April the 3th.  
My brain was slow, and I felt fatigued, restless as I couldn’t do much but just wait for the jet lag to disappear. I forced myself to eat when the clock struck 9 pm, even though I didn’t feel hungry at all and stayed up all night to reset my sleep schedule. My body screamed at me to go to sleep when I stood in the kitchen at 3 am, trying and failing to make a sandwich, mindlessly rocking back and forth from exhaustion as I tried to keep my eyes open, thankful that I had blinders in case someone would see me and think that I had a seizure or something.  
The next day was hell and I went outside, music in my headphones and with quick steps, hoping that fresh air and social interactions would keep me awake. I was standing in front of the dairy part of my local supermarket when a sudden notification dipped down in my inbox and I opened it, rubbed my eyes when the text seemed to blur together and I held the phone close to my face to be able to read, the familiar photo of a minion made me smile. ‘I miss you, noona’ There was an audio file attached to the message and I opened it, thinking that it was a new piece of music he’d composed. A loud gasp echoed against my eardrums and I quickly took out my headphones, scared to death that someone had heard, but I was alone in my part of the store. A blush flushed my cheeks red when I put the headphones on again and replayed the small snippet. There was a gasp and a curse word in a voice that couldn’t be anyone else's but Hongjoongs and I swallowed, my mouth dry as I felt my stomach flip and a titillated feeling spread between my legs. The whole audio file wasn’t more than eight seconds long and I understood that the shortness of it was the point. He didn’t want to give me more than necessary for my mind to run wild.  
I ended up just leaving the store, too lost in my mind to be able to think. My heart beat hard from lust and excitement as I closed my front door behind me, leaned on it as I felt my pulse in my ears and I rubbed my thighs together, helplessly as my arousal burned. I chewed on my lower lip, pushed myself of the door and walked straight to a wardrobe next to my own, my fingers tremble slightly when I opened it. Clothes broke, especially when you worked as an idol and Hongjoong was just one of those people who ripped shirts, pants and jackets in everyday situations. He wasn’t clumsy, but rather… reckless when it came to taking care of the clothes he was wearing (which in the end, proved to be helpful since he loved to reform and create new pieces with the clothes I couldn’t fix anymore) and instead of taking them home one by one, I’d asked him to just collect everything that needed to be looked over so that I had something to do these days between the two tours. My fingers reached out to stroke down that favourite shirt of his, and I swallowed hard to suppress the feeling of shame that bubbled up in my chest when I pulled it from the hanger and buried my nose in the neckline of it. I exhaled a gasp, that quickly turned into a moan, and my eyes rolled back when the smell of his cologne filled my senses. I placed my headphones in my ears again, replayed the audio clip he’d send to me, over and over before I fell backwards on my bed, inhaled his scent and imagined that he was right there with me as my trembling fingers unbuttoned my jeans.  
-  
It was the 31th of March and Hongjoong gave me a big smile when he jumped in next to me in the car that would take us all to the airport. It was a smile I recognized, and my eyebrows rose as he clearly checked me out.  
“Hi” He said while putting on his seatbelt.  
“Hi” I repeated and broke his gaze, but he didn’t let me escape that easy.  
“You look good”  
I nodded, my mouth pressed into a line as I looked over at the company owned driver nervously, but he didn’t move a muscle and I hoped that he either couldn't hear or cared about what we said as he waited for the signal to start driving.  
“Thanks, you too” I said, voice low and tense and I clasped my hands in my lap as the car started to move. A few minutes passed as we drove through the city and I looked out the window, deep in thought as I went over everything, I knew I had to bring with me.  
“Did you enjoy the audio clip I sent you?”  
He said with hidden mischief in his voice. I froze and my heart flipped hard. I looked over at Hongjoong before my eyes flicked over to the driver, but he didn’t even look back at us, probably thinking that we spoke about a music piece, just like I thought that it was from the beginning. Hongjoong’s eyes were playfully dark and I opened my mouth but didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t betray me. I bit my lower lip and took a deep breath through my nose as I held back the sudden want to just shove him out the door.  
“I hoped that my clothes helped setting the scene as well” He added simply, like he was just talking about the weather outside and I drilled my eyes into his, angry that he played with me like this. Unsure if he’d installed cameras in my apartment or if he simply just knew me so well.  
“How?” I asked and bit back my embarrassment when his eyes widened with surprise as I just confessed that I had gotten myself off with the sound of him in my ears and the smell of him surrounding me.  
“You love the way I smell; don’t you think I don't notice every time you would inhale sharply as soon as I’d stand close to you? Like it’s a drug to you” He smirked, playfully and I felt a blush colour my cheeks and hung my head, ashamed.  
“It’s cute, though” He said, voice changing from teasingly to loving, and I flinched slightly when his fingertips brushed against the palm of my hand, a gesture that was innocent but held so much emotion behind it that I thought my heart was going to explode. It felt like I was fifteen and experienced my first love, the lack of his presence these last days made the touch of his skin against mine feel like sparks of electricity.

…….

April the 2nd and I frowned while looking out the window. I didn’t think that London would live up to its reputation as the rainiest city in the world, but I was apparently very wrong. It drizzled, which was the worst kind of rain in my opinion and I looked over with begging eyes at Eunji who was packing up her stuff. She gave me a soft smile and shrugged, knowing exactly what I was thinking but not able to place me in her group of styling noonas since I was the one with the most experience and therefore, was needed elsewhere. I sighed and put on an extra shirt before I pulled my raincoat over it, hoping that I wouldn’t get too cold. I met San and Wooyoung just outside the door and San chuckled lightly at my sour expression.  
“Good morning noona, lovely too see you first thing in the morning” He said and Wooyoung looked over at him, slightly offended.  
“But I was the first one you saw this morning” He said, and San only gave him a look, mouth opened to say something clever, but he soon realized that the truth of it wasn’t really negotiable. It made me giggle though and San’s gaze fell on me again as he smiled softly. Wooyoung looked over at his hyung with squinting eyes of suspicion before his gaze fell on me again and I wondered what he was thinking about, being one, positively the one that knew San best. They joined me as we walked down the corridor to collect the rest of the group. Our rooms was the first ones on the, almost completely, closed off floor. I knocked on the door closest, heart in my throat as I clenched a piece of paper in my hands with the members and their room number on it. There was shuffling on the other side and a few seconds later, Yunho opened the door, gave me a bright smile and kept eye contact as he bowed slightly as well, owning up to his name as the nation’s boyfriend and I could feel the tips of my ears flush red. Hongjoong peeked out from behind him and walked out the door to greet me as well with a big smile, a smile that fell slightly when he saw San standing next to me. The memories of their fight a little over two weeks ago still hurt like an open wound. They had their differences, but both were natural leaders with family-oriented personalities and I still felt guilt from the fact that I was the reason why they were angry at each other. There was still love behind their eyes though, a family bond like theirs couldn’t be broken so easily and they looked away quickly from each other again, sadness shadowed their faces.  
“Let’s go?” Yunho asked, the bright smile of his significantly weaker but still on his lips, even though he noticed the change in the air as well.  
We split up, San and Wooyoung continued down the corridor to get Mingi and Jongho and we knocked at the door across us to collect Yeosang and Seonghwa. We met up with some more people, cameramen and managers before we got into a bus that waited for us at the back of the building. Hongjoong sat down in one of the seats far back, keeping eye contact with me as I followed in their steps, and waved at Yunho to keep walking when he paused to sit down next to his hyung. I felt a blush creep up to my cheeks when said hyung then patted enthusiastically at the seat next to him and I gave Yunho an apologizing smile which he returned with a shake of his head, like he couldn’t believe Hongjoong’s antics as well.  
The bus started to move and one of the managers told the boys that they were on the way to Chelsea FC and I saw on their faces what was going to happen, placed my fingers in my ears and saved my hearing by a second in marginal when the members screamed on top of their lungs from the happy surprise. It wasn't clear if it was something planned by higher up management as a gift or if a fan had fixed the places for them, but either way they were over the moon. All jumping in their seats when the club came into view.  
The members were handled cards and a small monitor that seemed to be like VR but without the big headpiece you usually wore. We walked around the stadium and me and a translator hired by the company split the group in two as we explained what the tour guide said. Most of the members understood basic English but there were words and sentences here and there that they needed some help with. I walked with Hongjoong at my side and answered his heated questions with a smile on my lips, finding his enthusiasm for the sport adorable. We stood on the ground, just next to the grass and I leaned in close to see football players run down the large patch of it on the monitor in Hongjoong’s hands. A noise of fascination escaped my lips and he looked over at me, and put some space between us with an amused smile on his lips as his gaze involuntarily flicked from my eyes to my lips where I stood only about fifteen centimetres from his face, my chest flushed against his arm. I realized how close we stood as well and quickly took a step back, looked nervously around us, too used to hang out in his intimate zone to constantly remember how weird it might look to outsiders. Especially foreigners who wasn’t used to the word ‘skinship’  
The boys could probably be there all day, poking at the grass, and taking photos of each other but the already bad weather turned worse as a sudden rain of hale made us seek shelter in a nearby souvenir shop. I suppressed a giggle when all eight of them looked around like they were kids in a candy store, and multiple "Whoa’s" was heard as their eyes moved between coffee mugs, towels, keyrings and everything else in between. Not knowing where they were going, six of them hadn’t brought their wallets and they gave Seonghwa and Yeosang puppy eyes, all of them rambled promises of everything from new drones to action figurines and I made eye contact with the woman behind the counter, her forehead wrinkled from confusion as the scene played out in her small shop, that most likely had its main revenue from middle aged guys and wives looking for gifts and not a group of eight Koreans in their early twenties, six of them basically begged on their bare knees while the other two listed everything they wanted when they got home. I made eye contact with her and gave her a small smile as if I could convince her with the lie that they weren’t always like this.  
We ate lunch at a café not far from the club and I fixed their clothes with a soft hand, making sure that they would look perfect just in case there would be photographers from fan sites or magazines that somehow had gotten word of where they would be located. It felt strange to touch the other members, the feeling of the fabric of their clothes, their skin and hair the same as Hongjoong’s but I was so used to only feel him under my fingertips that I paused at each of them, like I wanted to ask for permission before I shook out of it and my fingers reached out to fix the ribbon on Yeosang’s hat or put a strand of hair back in place on Mingi’s head or brush off the collar of San’s blazer. Hongjoong’s eyes burned a hole into San when he gave me a bright smile, and he thanked me loudly before he looked back at the menu, avoiding his hyung’s fiery gaze like his life depended on it. I saved the one, my one, that I was most familiar with for last, and it felt like I could breathe again when I played with the hair in the back of his neck. Bringing out the iconic mullet from underneath the collar of his trench coat, and he took my hand when I placed it on his shoulder, mindlessly gave it a small squeeze, eyes focused on the menu and I avoided the looks we received.  
..  
A few hours later and I was just finished with my schedule for the day, looked forward to get back up to my hotel room and take a nap before dinner when I heard someone run up to me. I turned around, a smile on my lips as I expected Hongjoong’s smile to match mine. But the person who looked back at me with slightly reddened cheeks wasn’t who I thought, his eyes shy, an awkward smile on his lips and he nervously combed his fingers through his black hair.  
“San? What’s wrong? Did something happen?” I asked, maybe a bit rude and straightforward but I really expected that a fire had started in the dressing room or something because he looked at me like he had a shameful secret that he didn’t want me to find out.  
“It’s nothing, really… I…" He paused and looked around him and realized that we weren’t alone. A tech guy looked at us funny and some styling noonas gazed at us with curious eyes where they stood and had a coffee pause in a corner. San clenched his jaw, a stressed expression on his face, “Come with me” He said and I made an effort to protest but he only shut me down and hooked my arm with his before he rushed over to a waiting room a few doors down, peeked inside to make sure that it was empty and I gave him an angry look when he closed the door after us. I didn’t particularly like to be thrown around, especially when the person in question didn’t want to answer why.  
“What are you doing?” I asked, annoyed with him now and San looked up at me, a bit frightened of my reaction and hesitated for a second, like he wasn’t fully prepared to explain himself.  
“Sorry, I just can’t play this game of constant cat and mouse anymore. My feelings are killing me faster than Hongjoong is ever going to be able to do”  
He took a deep breath and avoided my confused stare as I crossed my arms over my chest, tired and not in the mood at all to play games, “What are you talking about?” I asked and felt slightly stupid, as if I missed the point completely.  
San rolled his eyes when I didn’t seem to understand and pinched the bridge of his nose, “Hongjoong will definitely kill me” He groaned out and I could see on his Adam’s apple that he gulped before he inhaled deeply and took two quick steps forward, cupped my face in his hands softly and pressed his lips against mine.  
I froze and the shock made me choke on my breath slightly. His lips moved carefully against mine, searching for a reaction, the motion made me regain control of my muscles and I took a step back, breaking the kiss in the process. San sighed deeply; eyes still closed for a few more seconds as his arms fell back against his sides. His lips tugged in a thin line that barely resembled a smile and he nodded slowly, accepting that the feelings he had was one-sided. His hand reached up to scratch the back of his neck, and embarrassment flushed his cheeks red.  
“Sorry, I just. I’ve wanted to do that for so long now and it’s been slowly eating away at my insides ever since the feeling between you and hyung changed in January and I realized that I had next to no chance with you anymore”  
My heart broke for him. Had he been longing for me all this time? I hadn’t even noticed because my eyes and mind had been on Hongjoong this whole time. I knew how it felt to not be able to act upon your feelings, but my own feelings were at least slightly reciprocated. To just sit back and watch how the person you wanted, show all their affection to someone else? That must be a living hell.  
“I’m sorry” I anxiously fiddled with my nails and wanted to reach out to him and give him a hug. I don’t think I’d ever seen a person look so miserable as he did.  
“It’s fine… I should’ve guessed. I don’t know what happened as soon as we reached American soil two weeks ago but that tight feeling between you and hyung had shifted again and I just wanted to take a chance… but I understand what you feel for him now… I was wrong, I shouldn’t have broken the work relationship boundary between us”  
He gave me a small smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes and he shook his head, avoided my gaze as he picked on his clothes. I held back the need to tell him to stop as he mindlessly unravelled a piece of thread. Silence fell upon us and I swallowed hard, not knowing if the conversation was over and I could leave. That’s when a knock on the door almost send us both of us flying.  
“Noona?”  
All colour fell from San’s face as he closed his eyes, cursed under his breath and then prayed to whatever God he believed in before he looked over at me with begging eyes not to answer as the person behind the door repeated himself, a bit louder this time and I gave him an apologizing smile before I sighed, “You can come in”  
San looked at me like I’d just murdered his entire family when the door opened and a very smiley Hongjoong soon did an emotional 180-degree turn, his smile turned into a frown and his eyes flicked outraged between us. His gaze lingered on San, who looked like he was on the verge of tears, chest heaving hard, a pained expression on his face and fist clenched as if he could only control his own emotions by inflicting pain on himself as his fingernails dug into the palm of his hand. Hongjoong walked in, closed the door behind him while he met my eyes instead and San jumped a good three meters to the side to put a distance between the two of them, still avoided his hyungs eyes like his life depended on it.  
“Did you fuck?” Hongjoong asked and my body recoiled with deep disapproval. Not that San didn’t look good, all eight of them did. But I'd never been one to just sleep with someone because of their appearance. I was an emotional person and I needed some kind of emotional attachment to the person I was offering my body to. I must’ve displayed a hurt expression as well because Hongjoong’s features softened slightly, his tense shoulders relaxed, and it was as if he took a deep breath of relief when he looked at me.  
“I kissed her” San said and looked up, frightened, as if he expected to be kicked out of the group when he met Hongjoong’s eyes, who sighed heavily at the verdict and wet his lips slowly with a nod.  
“And she kissed you back?” He asked back as if it were the most obvious thing I’d do in that situation and I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.  
“I did not!” I exploded with furious anger, took two steps forward and shoved Hongjoong into the door behind him, not caring if someone heard the thump of his body against it. He wasn’t very far from it, only half a meter or so and he looked up at me surprised as his breath hitched in his throat from the sudden impact “I didn’t kiss him back because I want you, you stupid fucking idiot” I jabbed my finger into his chest, beyond pissed off that he thought all the months I’d been yearning for him was me somehow faking it.  
“You…” I looked over my shoulder at San as well, “You better solve this problem you have between the two of you. I’m not a challenge or prize to achieve. I’m just as restrained as the two of you when it comes to relationships. So, either, honestly decide to spit up the group because everyone is hurting from the bad energy you have towards each other or talk about how you feel and try to come to a conclusion. But I’m not going to date either of you, just so we’re clear. I refuse to let two guys barely out of their teenage years fuck up my entire career”  
I pushed Hongjoong to the side, didn’t spare them another glance and then opened the door, not even giving them the courtesy of closing it before I stormed off down the corridor to catch the next company car back to the hotel.


	5. That pink and brown striped shirt of his

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters name comes from the shirt Joong is wearing in last episode of "Long Journey" check it out on Youtube if you're unsure ♥

_Lisbon_ and Hongjoong looked at me from underneath long lashes, whispered an apology about acting like an ass two days ago under his breath as I fixed the collar on his jacket. I gave him a look, my fingers lingered on the skin on his throat a bit longer than necessary and I could feel him gulping under my fingertips.  
“I want you, only you. Never make me regret the fact that I took your side” I whispered as I combed my fingers through the long hair in his neck and he bit his lip, and gave me a nod, a breathless gasp leaving his lips.  
-  
_Paris_ and we were fighting our way forward through the crazy traffic to the venue. People drove like they wanted to crash, and I choked on a gasp when a driver in front of us took a beeline to the left, his car barely graced us. My hand found Hongjoong’s and he gave me a smile, fright in his eyes but there was something comforting in his smile and I took a deep breath with him to calm my racing heart.  
“Sorry about that” Our driver apologized and cursed like a sailor when another driver made a risky move.  
Hongjoong’s hand was warm in mine and I swallowed as he gave it a small squeeze.  
-  
_Berlin_ and the weather was cold. I shivered, wearing a shirt less than I probably should have as we jumped into the cars that were going to take us to the hotel. We got checked in and I longed for a good nap while I unloaded the luggage and Hongjoong’s wardrobe. He gave me a mixed look of longing and apology as if he was sorry that I couldn’t join him when they followed their managers towards the escalator. I shrugged and gave him a smile back, already in the zone to get everything unpacked and to the venue as soon as I could.  
Four hours later and I closed the door to the big dressing room marked with ‘ATEEZ’ in the same moment as my phone rang and I chuckled lightly when I answered.  
“Do you have a small camera strapped on me or something?” I asked and Hongjoong laughed and my heart jumped happily when the sound of it filled my chest with warmth.  
“No, but I have timed you several times and know that you’re usually done by now..." He said and I bit my lip to suppress another laugh as he trailed off, realizing that even though it was a cute thing to do, it was a bit weird as well, “Anyway… come to my room, I fixed you breakfast”  
My stomach growled happily at the thought of food, only filled with a kimbap and a cup of coffee that I basically poured into me as soon as we arrived. I walked with hurried steps and took a company car with some tech guys that’d just finished setting up the equipment as well. They wished me a good day and I gave them a big smile, feeling for the first time in a long time that this might actually be a good day. One without mishaps, wardrobe malfunctions and endless teasing from Hongjoong, and though the first two seemed to be right, the last one was as far from right as it could be…  
“Nooonaaaa. I missed youuu” Hongjoong whined and threw his arms around me as soon as he opened the door, barely giving me time to knock, as if he’d been camping next to it and waited for me to walk down the corridor. I squinted my eyes at him and took a deep inhale through my nose.  
“Why are you so weird? You weren’t like this when I talked to you fifteen minutes ago… Have you been drinking?” I asked, even though I couldn’t smell any alcohol on him, and he shook his head, his hair whipping the sides of his face and I suppress a laugh at his bewildered expression. I closed the door behind me, still with him in my arms and my stomach growled again when the smell of toast, eggs and bacon surrounded my senses.  
“Nooo, I just haven’t slept yet and I accidentally drank some coffee and the jet lag is making me whooozy and I missed youuuu” He continued, a pout on his lips and I looked at him in my arms with a puzzled look, time seemed to pause for a few seconds as something shadowed his eyes when he gazed into mine “I… I really am sorry about the other day” He gulped, voice serious all of a sudden and I clenched my jaw, knowing that he talked about London and the altercation between San and him, “I don’t know what happened, don’t know why I said the things I did. I just get so… jealous when it comes to you. I know I stepped over the line and I need you to understand that it’s not who I am…”  
I looked away, the memories of the way he acted, the three of us in that dressing room. My fury when he doubted me, still unsure if I wanted him as much as he wanted me. He licked his lips nervously and watched me with eyes that spoke of his sincerity,  
“I know you’re sorry Joong. I know you, and I know that those actions aren't you. I understand the jealousy you feel, but I don’t want you to ever speak to me like that again. It’s not ok”  
“I won’t” He shook his head, almost violently and tried to give me a small hopeful smile, “Can you forgive me?” He asked, still concerned and swallowed hard,  
I sighed. There wasn’t really a reason for me to hold a grudge. I knew that he cared for me and that he was genuinely sorry, the breakfast was most likely a peace offering, and I chewed on the inside of my cheek. He was hot-headed, and even though I was still a bit hurt that he still thought that his feelings for me wasn’t completely reciprocated, I guess that I sometimes felt the same. It was a trait grounded in self-doubt and unfortunately a trait that we both shared.  
“Of course, I forgive you, Joongie”  
He gave me a bright smile and closed his arms around me tighter and I hugged him back for a few seconds, thinking that he’d let me go but it didn’t seem to be the case. There was a pause that almost lasted half a minute as I looked longingly at the food and Hongjoong looked longingly at me, but I quickly grew tired of this one-sided threesome.  
“Let me go, Joongie” I asked and pulled on his arms where he held onto my clothes in a death grip.  
“What would you do if I kissed you right now?” He asked, voice deep and even more serious than before and I met his eyes, his gaze flicked between them and my lips and I opened my mouth to answer him something clever, but my sustenance deprived mind couldn’t form a word and Hongjoong pouted.  
“I try not to think about it, because it hurts too much… but the fact that San got to taste your lips before I could, drives me crazy”  
I sighed and looked away as I felt my heart beat hard against his and I shrugged, “After your first win”  
“What?” He looked at me again, pupils dilated, and I repeated myself,  
“When you win your first award, I’ll give you a kiss. I promise”  
“But that could take months” He pouted again, and I shrugged,  
“Guess you gotta work hard then”  
“... Guess I will” His smile was brighter than the sun and my heart ached when he gave me a final tight squeeze.  
-  
_Amsterdam_ and I woke up when the sun’s beams shone through the window, blinded me slightly when I sleepily opened my eyes. I turned around, and a disgruntled groan left my lips. A soft hush answered my noise and I paused for a second, opened my eyes slightly again. Hongjoong was sleeping next to me, and I melted at the sight of him as I remembered last night. Him coming to my room after midnight, a pillow in his arms that he’d brought from his room across mine, eyes heavy. Complaining that he was cold, that Yunho didn’t want to cuddle and that he missed me, and I was too tired to argue and just let him join me underneath the covers.  
Sleep had ruffled his hair and he wore a pout on his lips, his hand softly stroked my side as if he thought my groan of discomfort was out of distress and was now reassuring me, still unconscious to the world. I wondered how many times he’d let the other members climb into his bed if he was so used to being there for the person that needed comforting that he did so in his sleep. I frowned and felt a sudden sorrow I’d never felt before when I imagined how tough every day must’ve been for them, for him, while they still were trainees. Not knowing whether or not they would be able to debut. All of them just kids with a big dream and Hongjoong, being the leader of the group and one of the oldest, took most responsibility, from being the spokesman to be the person the members could go to when things became too much to handle on their own.  
My eyes soften when his movements stilled, and he began snoring softly again. I looked over my shoulder and glanced at the bedside clock I always carried with me, knowing that I had to get up soon or I wouldn’t be able to get any breakfast before my day started. I moved as carefully as I could but Hongjoong still felt me leaving and he clenched his arm around my waist, his eyebrows furrowed,  
“Don’t go” He whispered, voice hoarse and whiny and I licked my dry lips, my heart aching,  
“I have to Joongie. I can’t be in bed all day”  
He groaned, and pushed me closer, flushed my body against his as he stretched, his nose nuzzled into the crook of my neck and it would've been sweet if my breath wouldn’t hitch when a very apparent boner pressed against my thigh. It wasn’t the first time we slept like this, it occurred more often than I wanted to admit to my colleagues, but this…the boner and the fact that he didn’t wake up as I flinched from surprise, had never happened before and I bit my lower lip to suppress a gasp when his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth fell open slightly. Another groan escaped his lips as he rubbed himself unconsciously on me and I inhaled sharply, feeling arousal pool from my core, the burn made me clench my legs shut.  
“Noona” He whined out a breathy moan and the hand that's been on my waist moved over my hip and I gulped as he grabbed it hard, his thumb possessively pushed on the hipbone as he moved my body against his. I could feel how he twitched through the pyjama pants, a small wet spot on the front of them already and I had to manually take a deep breath before I tore myself away from him and rolled down onto the floor. A gasp left his lips again as he opened his eyes from my sudden motion, his sleepy eyes half open as the sun shone into them. He looked up to see me, a blush covered my cheeks and I breathed heavily.  
“Noona?” He asked confused and I blushed even harder, feeling the flush covering me from my head to my toes when I realized that he’d been totally unconscious of the fact that he’d just humped my leg like a dog in heat, probably too deep into a wet dream.  
“I gotta go, make sure that you leave within the hour. The cars are leaving for the airport in two” I said and pulled up my hair in a bun.  
“But…” He started and sat up slightly, giving me a perfect view of his cock outlined in his pants and I slumped slightly, very unattractively and much like a deflated balloon. I looked away, and swallowed hard before I grabbed the bag with clothes and hygiene articles, I always had prepared,  
“I gotta go” I said again and gave him another involuntarily glance before I put on my shoes.  
He looked down then and a noise of embarrassment left his mouth as he quickly covered himself with the blanket again.  
“I’m sorry” He shouted after me, but I didn’t hear. My heart pounded too loud in my ears.  
-  
_Milan_ and I laid on my bed. It was late, my eyes were closed and a soft breeze from the open balcony door made the baby hairs in my forehead flicker. I’d just taken a deep breath and closed my eyes, winching from the ache in my back when there was a knock on the door. I groaned loudly to myself and placed my long and index fingers over my eyes, rubbing them slightly before I heaved myself off the bed.  
“What?” I said while opening the door, my voice annoyed as I made eye contact with the person who’d knocked.  
“Just a question” Hongjoong asked, dressed in black slacks and a white turtleneck, his fringe parted, a black big sweatshirt in his arms and I fought off the feeling of just closing the door again because he looked so wonderfully amazing, having spent the whole day outside with the members, filming and having a good time and I looked like something that’d just been chewed up and spit out by a killer whale, my almost non-existential make-up smeared. Hair dirty, face puffy and eyes shadowed with bags under them since I’d been sleeping bad the last few days.  
“Yes?” I gave him a tired look.  
“I happen to have this extra movie ticket and I have no one to give it to. Mind taking it so you can go with me?” He smirked and I rolled my eyes. He was smooth, I could give him that.  
“But what about Yunho or Seonghwa or any other member? Maybe they want to go with you?” I asked, an innocent smile on my lips as I leaned against the door and Hongjoong’s brows furrowed, and I had to tense my jaw to stop a giggle to escape.  
“Because I want to go with you” He said and gave me a look that begged me not to be difficult.  
“... So, you’re asking me out?” I asked and Hongjoong sighed. I was enjoying myself too much with this.  
“No, I’m giving you a free opportunity to go to the movies with me” He said, a pout on his lips and he looked away. I nodded slightly and felt how my serious face broke as the smile I tried to fight off tugged at my lips.  
“So, it’s a date?”  
“Just go with me, please?” Hongjoong said, frustrated now and with an impatient wrinkle in his forehead and I shrugged.  
“I don’t know… I don’t really do dates”.  
“Aah, noona, stop it” Hongjoong whined loudly and I giggled when he realized I’d played with him, his lip curled up and he scrunched his nose, eyes squinting.  
“Give me twenty? I just need to rinse off” I said and turned around, fully expecting him to just say ‘ok’ and do the same but he followed me into the room, the door automatically slammed shut behind him.  
“What are you doing?” I asked and gave him a look of disapproval when he sat cross legged down on my bed.  
“I’m finished, why should I go back if you only need twenty minutes?”  
I scoffed and collected some clothes, not in the mood to argue because it would just take time that I needed to make me feel like myself again and it would most likely not lead anywhere anyway. Hongjoong smiled a victory smile and pulled out his phone from his pocket and I locked the bathroom door behind me. I rinsed off quickly, blow dried my hair and put on clothes fitting for the still quite cold south European weather. I skipped the make-up. It was too late anyway, and I was certain that I'd crash in my bed as soon as we'd get back.  
I went out again, and Hongjoong was lying on the bed now, legs lazily resting on the edge of it, his shirt slightly rid up to show the honeyed skin of his lower stomach and his fingertips lazily ran over it, mindlessly caressing the spot. Phone in his other hand and hair sprawled out like a blonde halo around his head and I inhaled sharply before my tongue flicked out to wet my lips.  
“Fucking tease” I cursed low under my breath, but apparently not low enough because Hongjoong chuckled softly,  
“You love it” and I shook my head as I collected my walled, phone and key-card,  
“In your dreams”  
“Well, you certainly know that now, don’t you?” He winked at me and I felt my cheeks flush when the memories of him rubbing his hard cock on my thigh flashed in my mind.  
I stuck out my tongue at him and he only smiled as he put on the big sweatshirt, pulled the hood over his head to cover his hair and fished out a black face mask out of one of the pockets so that only his eyes were shown and my heart sank when I saw him disguising his appearance. The remembrance of the fact that we never could go on a real date hit hard and I looked away again, pain in my heart when his warm hand found mine.  
-  
_Budapest_ and the weather was sunny on my skin when I walked to the venue. My steps quick and hands in my pockets to protect them from the biting wind. I wore headphones, deep into a conversation about a sudden wardrobe malfunction, hence me rushing over to fix it.  
“Could you get a Frappuccino for me on your way back?” Hongjoong asked at the other end of the line and I scoffed out a small laugh.  
“Maybe. If I have time” I respond and he answered with a small ‘Yay’ before he got quiet again, embarrassed that he’d ripped the fabric on one of the main costumes.  
“I don’t know how you’ve put up with me for this long, but I love you for it” He said softly to break the small pause and I froze in the middle of a step, gave an apologizing smile to the person who walked behind me on the sidewalk when I forced them to step around me as I collected myself for a second.  
“Don’t say things like that,” I said between clenched teeth and looked at both sides of the road before I skipped over, angry with his reckless words as my heart flipped like crazy in my chest.  
“What, I can’t say that I appreciate what you do for me? I know that I should say it more often” He said, a mix of confidence and apology in his voice, like it was the most obvious thing in the world and I couldn’t answer him without revealing just how much it really meant that he choose the word ‘love’ out of every word he could’ve chosen.  
“I mean it though, the appreciating part I mean” He hurried to correct himself and I gulped, my mouth dry, “Every little thing you do makes me want to hold onto you forever and never let you go”  
-  
_Stockholm_ and the city lights reflected on the water that ran through the city a few hundred meters from my balcony. It was cold outside; the clock had passed midnight and I wrapped my duvet tighter around my body before I took another sip of my hot tea. Soft piano music played on low volume from my phone’s speakers and Hongjoong was beside me, curled up with his head in my lap, softly humming along with the song. The light from his phone’s screen illuminated his features as he scrolled down twitter, looking through the tags from tonight's show. My fingers in his hair, softly combing through it while I looked up at the clear night sky, stars twinkling, and a big full moon was our only company and I felt a strange calmness in my soul. A feeling that I wanted to save in a treasure chest and cherish forever.  
-  
_Warsaw_ and I stood with the other styling noonas in the corridor below the stage, the next clothes change already prepared on racks beside us, ready to work fast in the top five minutes it had to take before they needed to go back out on stage. The song ended and I braced myself when Hongjoong came strutting crotch first down the stairs, walking like he usually did after being on stage for an hour, adrenaline in his bloodstream, pumped up from the audience, fringe combed back, sweat dripping down his template, collected on his brows, and cupids bow and I swallowed hard when his black eyes met mine. An almost diabolical fire burning in them and the feeling of being approached by one of Lucifer’s demons made me take a step back and he grabbed my wrist to stop me from bumping into a colleague. My breath hitched when he pulled me back towards him sharply and he wasted no time to start to undress himself with one brow raised,  
“I really have to do it myself, huh?” He said and I broke out of the trance I was in and swatted away his hand that’d already undone the first two buttons on his jacket, “You know I’d give anything for you to repeat this action after the show is done and we’re alone, right?” He whispered, loud enough for only me to hear and I gave him a look of warning from underneath my eyelashes,  
“Don’t” I whispered back but couldn’t help but swallow hard as my imagination ran wild.  
“I know that you know how bad I want it. I can see that you’re thinking about it right now. Fuck, I could eat you out for hours if you’d only let me feel how good you’d clench around my cock” He smirked now and I pressed my lips into a thin line, his back was turned to the rest of the people in the room and the result of his dirty talk and vivid imagination showed up as a bulge in his underwear and I couldn’t help but glance, hoping that no one saw me do so. He sighed, eyes searched for mine and I held out the clothes for him to take.  
“There’s no time to mess around, Joong” I whispered back at him, annoyed as his eyelids fell when he indulged in the feeling of my body nearly flushing against him, curling a lock of my hair around his finger and I swallowed when I met his eyes.  
“I know, I know. It’s the energy I get from the show and you here, looking like a dream… I-”  
“Really need to put on these clothes now, please” I interrupted and held up the striped woollen shirt and black pants higher. He wet his lips, took the pants and I looked away, chewed frustratedly on my cheek as he winced when he pulled up the zipper, trapping his half hard cock in the uncomfortable tightness of them.  
“You really only have yourself to blame” I said, arms crossed, and he gave me a smug look underneath his eyelashes,  
“It’s worth it though. I’m not the only one who just got horny, am I?”  
I didn’t answer him and he gave me another look, a cocky smile on his lips as his eyes flicked over my body and I clenched my legs involuntarily, feeling the heat there pulsating happily from the teasing and he just tilted his head, one eyebrow raised saying ‘I told you so’ without using any words.  
-  
_Moscow_ and the boys had been gone all day. They wrapped up the shooting of their little series, finished the performance video for ‘Promise’ and then had a final dinner together to celebrate part one of their first world tour. I’d been busy myself, finishing up with packing everything back into their bags and made sure that nothing was left forgotten. It was late when I got back at the hotel, my body hurt from standing up for fourteen hours straight and I stumbled into my room, ready to go to bed. We had to be up early tomorrow, the flight left at 09:00 and I had to take another walk around the venue before leaving, mainly because I just wanted to make sure that I had everything. I opened the door, and almost took a leap back out when I saw that the bed was already occupied.  
“What are you doing here?” I asked and Hongjoong looked up from his phone, gave me an uninterested look and then focused back on the screen.  
“I was bored so I wanted to visit but you weren’t here, so I decided to wait” He said without looking at me and I gave him a surprised look, a wrinkle between my brows.  
Maybe I got a little insulted from his apathetic reaction to me because I couldn’t help myself from smacking his leg, a bit irritated, not hard to hurt, but hard enough to earn a reaction from him as he winched and looked at me with offended eyes.  
“I’m tired, go away” I complained but he shook his head,  
“Don’t wanna. Why’d you hit me?” He said, pouted slightly and my head cocked to the side.  
“How did you even get in here?” I avoided his question completely and he chuckled lightly, combed his fingers through his hair, locked his phone and placed it on the bed beside him.  
“I convinced a staff member that you’d be sleeping at the venue and I wanted a room for myself” He smiled proudly, and I scoffed out a small laugh.  
“So, do you want to spend the night or what is just something you wanted to say?” I asked and covered my mouth as I yawned and Hongjoong’s eyes twinkled dangerously,  
“Depends…" He said and I placed my hands on my waist, not up for any teasing,  
“I need to be up early tomorrow” I said, and he nodded,  
“I know, I know” He said and sat up from the bed, threw his legs over the edge and was just about to stand up when he stumbled, and I rushed forward to grab his shirt and pushed him back onto the bed to stop him from hitting his head into the bedside table. I frowned and leaned over him, inhaled sharply near his face and he giggled,  
“Have you been drinking?” I asked and he gave me a secretive smile,  
“Not a lot, just a glass of dessert wine they served after they wrapped up the recording” He shrugged, and I gave him a look that spoke of how much I didn’t believe him, and he rolled his eyes,  
“Ok, three glasses but that was only because Mingi didn't want his and they accidently served Jongho. He can legally drink here, isn’t that crazy? I mean, he’s just a baaaabyyy” he dragged out the last word longer than necessary and I sighed.  
I really just wanted to go to bed. A sober Hongjoong was a pain in the ass to get rid of and I could only imagine how hard it would be now when he was tipsy. The alcohol seemed to have hit him like a train the same second he’d tried to stand up and forced the intoxicated blood to run properly through his body.  
“Come, let’s get you back to your room” I said and held out my hand for him to take. But he clenched his hands close to his body, a frown on his face as he said a short and very determined “No” much like a defiant toddler.  
I sighed, rolled my eyes and shook my head, “You’re not gonna sleep here in the state you’re in”  
“Why not?” He pouted and threw his arms above his head in protest, his shirt rode up slightly and my eyes flicked to the exposed skin before my eyes met his again and I bit on my tongue.  
“Because I’d bet both my kidneys that you’re a horny drunk and that in combination with whatever we have between us will not end good” I said and felt a blush flush my cheeks pink when he smirked, his tongue flicked out to lick his lower lip and he looked at me from hooded eyes.  
“Define good, darling. Because I’d make you feel good in an instant” He said and I shook my head at his words,  
“Don’t call me darling, come on, let’s go” I said and held out my hand again. His brows rose, a smirk on his lips and he sat up slightly, leaned back on his elbows as he took my words as a challenge.  
“Do you prefer me to be even more formal? I can call you noonim?” His head cocked to the side and he bit his lip, eyes glossy as he undressed me with his eyes and I sighed at his determination to earn a reaction from me, “No? How about something cuter, then… Sweetheart? Baby? Baby girl?”  
I looked away and felt a blush flush my cheeks pink and he chuckled under his breath, “Wow, I never would’ve guessed that you enjoyed being called something like that. You always need to be so much in control. So calm and collected all the time and all you want is someone to absolutely dominate you, huh?”  
I bit my lower lip, my breath hitched in my throat and his fingers came down to stroke the small exposed skin of his stomach, his shirt raised as his fingers travelled up, and I swallowed as I watched. His pants low enough to expose the soft dark hair that trailed under his belly button and I bit my lip to repress a small groan, tried to stop myself from squirming at the sight of him. I’d seen him without a shirt countless times by now, but this was so much different than any other time. His fingers traced the soft skin of his toned frame and I gave him a pained expression, my mind told me that I should stop him, but I knew in my heart that I couldn’t. He pulled his shirt over his head, tossed it at the side of the bed and I cursed under my breath, my mouth went dry and I wanted to close my eyes, like I didn’t deserve to see him like this.  
“Fuck, baby. I’d ask you to touch me but I don’t know if I’d be able to stop myself from holding my part of our deal if you did” He moaned and I chewed anxiously on my cheek as arousal burned between my legs when he touched himself, fingers slipped into the edge of his pants and his already half hard cock dented against the zipper from my admiration of his body.  
“I want to touch you too…” I gasped and he looked at me, lips parted, and gulped at my words.  
“Then do it, please” He whined, and I shook my head,  
“You know that I can’t. I… I want you to come without my touch” I moaned out and he melted into the mattress, eyes rolled back as he submitted to his own lust and placed a cupped hand over his clothed cock, and he immediately bucked into his own hand. I felt my eyes tear up slightly from wanton lust as he stroked down his length through his pants, thrusting hard into his hand and I had to brace myself from swatting away his hand and replace it with my own. He locked his eyes with me, and I clenched around nothing as I felt my wetness soak my panties. This new side of him, seeing him lose control in front of me, his lust for me so big that he got hard with me still fully dressed and without my touch, made me breathless. I swallowed hard, walked around the bed, and laid down next to him. He gave me a confused look over his shoulder and I shuddered under his gaze.  
“Lay like me and don’t look anywhere else than my face” I said, and a groan left his lips when I unbuttoned my pants and pulled them down to my ankles.  
He copied what I did, and I kept eye contact with him as he plunged his hand into his underwear, threw his head back into the pillow as his hand closed around his cock and I heard how he pulled on his length, already slick from pre-cum. I did the same and placed two fingers on my clit, lazily rubbing myself as he locked his gaze with me again, breath coming out in short pants, eyes black and glossy and I moaned as he thrusted hard into his hand. I imagined how it would’ve felt if those hard thrusts were to move my body in that same rhythmic dance he created. I cursed under my breath and tried to focus on getting to the finish line with him, fighting off the need to just scream fuck it and straddle his hips, impale myself on his cock and ride him until we’d forget our names.  
“Fuck, babe. I bet you're dripping. I, ah…” He clenched his eyes shut, paused to flick his wrist a certain way and I forced myself not to look down to see what he was doing, “I bet you’d taste so good, I could drink you for hours. Not stopping until you’re begging me to do so, overstimulated and writhing under my touch. Can you imagine that for me, baby? Imagine my fingers in your sweet tight cunt and my tongue licking you up” He cursed again, and I sobbed out a moan.  
“Tell me what you’d do to me” He groaned, and I sighed,  
“I’d let you fuck my throat so hard I wouldn’t be able to talk the next day” I exaggerated slightly but it did the trick because the image of it made him moan, deep and guttural, and his head fell back against the pillow again and I swallowed hard, “I’d let you fuck me raw, no condom to keep you from feeling every part of me, taking me however you want, my cunt would swallow you down so good, warm and wet and you’d never want to finish because the feeling of me tight around you would be so good you’d see stars. I’d let you cum in me, filling me up to the brink” My breath hitched as I imagined everything I just said and I stood on the edge, ready to fall over and Hongjoong moaned again, his breathing laboured.  
“I’m coming babe… Look at me” He ordered, and I complied, met his brown eyes and I choked on my breath as I finally saw what I’d only had been imagining so far. Gasping as he groaned softly, a wrinkle between his brows and his body tensed up, face contorted as he shuddered, and I heard the soft splattered as his cum cover his lower stomach.  
I fell shortly after, twitching and pulsating as the electric feeling spread through my body and he smiled at the sight of me, eyes so filled with warmth and affection that I had to look away. A shaky breath leaving his lips and I bit my lip and looked up at the ceiling. Content but knowing in the back of my mind how amazing it would’ve felt if we laid skin against skin.


	6. That skinny pair of jeans of his

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My take on what happened with Joong's mullet lol, sorry not sorry

It was the 29th and four days had passed since we got back to Korea after the Europe tour. Three of those days were spent to properly come back on my feet and find my previous everyday schedule. I hadn’t heard from Hongjoong since I said goodbye to them outside their dorm, his fingers had brushed over my hair and he held me a little closer than the rest of the staff, revelled in the feeling of my body against his and I avoided his eyes, not trusting that we weren’t watched.  
I laid on my bed, restless as I didn’t have anything planned for the day, scrolling down the feed of the same four apps I frequently used, and I felt empty as the cold loneliness of my apartment seemed to swallow me whole. I looked up at the ceiling, and let my phone fall out of my hand against the bed. I couldn’t help but wonder what he did now? If he’d repeated the moment, we shared the last night in Moscow in his mind as many times as I had? But he was probably busy with music production. Their new comeback was in seven weeks and knowing him, four of those weeks would be spent in the studio, perfecting the songs and performance. I sighed and curled up in a fetal position, my hands were tucked into the arms of my sweatshirt and I closed my eyes, shuddered slightly from the cold. I didn’t know why I always seemed to freeze, my radiators were on full blast and I never had a window opened. I blamed it on the fact that I was raised in a big family in a small house, four siblings in one room, barely enough space for our two bunk beds while growing up and ever since I came to the capital, I’d been cold. Until I got my job and got to know Hongjoong, of course. Now I only froze when I was without him, usually when I was on my own in my apartment.  
I turned around in my bed, onto my stomach and giggled softly to myself when his old shirt came into view, bundled next to my pillows like he’d left it there intentionally to keep me company. I flushed slightly as the sudden domestic image entered my mind and I frowned, a bittersweet pain in the pit of my stomach over the dream that could never be. I rolled over again, my feet hit the floor and I paused, almost impressed with myself that I’d scored the landing but it didn’t last long as I accidently stepped on my laptop charger a bit further down and I cursed loudly as the sudden pain shot from my foot to my leg. A knock on my door stopped my hopping around and I winched, still in pain as I limped over, opened it and gave, not Hongjoong but his manager, a weird look. I wasn’t even aware that he knew where I lived but I guessed that my address must be somewhere on all the papers they had on me.  
“I was sent to pick you up. Are you presentable?” He asked, as if he wasn’t standing right in front of me and I scoffed, huffed my chest out and the manager looked at me like he wanted to slam me down in a wrestling match.  
I curled my lip at him, I knew how much he looked down on us styling noona’s. Especially me since I was one of the youngest on my team and also the one who quickly earned the most respect. I didn’t know if it was because he thought that we had a less important job than him or because he simply hated young successful women, but I didn’t like him, and he didn’t like me.  
“I’m ‘presentable’” I said, using citations and grabbed my keys, phone and wallet and he scoffed back at me, walked first down to the car that awaited us while I locked the door. Not having the courtesy of even waiting at the front entrance door, but sitting in the front passenger's seat already, talking on his phone while I jumped into the back with a sigh. I could only guess the horrors that awaited me at my office, not knowing if there was a problem with the wardrobe or if I would have to sit up all night because a piece of accessory had broken.  
“He’s in the studio” The manager said shortly, not even looking at me when he beeped his card on the swinging gate at the reception, which separated the lobby and waiting room with the rest of the company and took two steps at the time up the stairs to his office.  
I looked after him, an almost amused smile on my puzzled face as I shook my head and took the elevator to the third floor. I knocked on the door to the studio, more as a warning than an ask to come in, waited a few seconds and then opened the door. Hongjoong sat in the chair, right finger clicking, dragging music pieces back and forth in a program to create the sound he looked for. His chin rested in his left hand and he turned his head to see who just entered, still in the same slumped over position, an irritated wrinkle between his brows that quickly soften out when he saw that it was me and he broke out in a big smile, turned around completely and I couldn’t do anything but return his smile, my heart flipping and I felt how a flush covered my body when he looked at me with a warmth I couldn’t describe but wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.  
“Noona… “ He breathed and swallowed, “I’m happy you came”  
I blushed, my head in the gutter as usual and I couldn’t help but remember a flash of how he’d looked when he came undone before my eyes a few days ago.  
“Yeah… I missed you” I said, and he sighed,  
“You can call, you know if you miss me too… I don’t work all the time” He said, and I gave him a questionable look. I knew as well as him that he often was the last one to leave the company, just before the black sky would turn a mixed grey.  
“You can call too” I tried to defend myself and he combed back his hair, a bit embarrassed.  
“I know you’re busy…” He trailed off.  
“And I don’t want to bother you either” I said, and he smiled softly,  
“You could never bother me”  
I looked away, a smile on my lips as I realized that we were both idiots; my fingers nervously fiddled with my nails. There was a small pause between us, and I inhaled deeply, my smile faltered slightly, and I asked,  
“Was it something you wanted or?”  
“Oh” He scratched his neck awkwardly and gulped, avoided my gaze and sat up more properly in the chair, “I wanted to talk about what happened that last night on tour” I nod and it felt like my heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach with worry, “I just wanted to tell you that nothing I did was because I had a drink prior to meeting you. There’s nothing I regret. You know that, I hope?” He asked and I nod again, and butterflies quickly replaced the dread in my stomach at his sweet words.  
“I don’t regret what we did either but…” I started and Hongjoong smiled at the confirmation that we felt the same, relief behind his eyes, but the smile quickly fell though, and he finished my sentence for me,  
“But that’s the line”  
“That’s the line” I repeated, and my heart ached to hold him, feel his body against mine after these long agonizing four days, “People have noticed the change of air around us… Eunji keeps asking me if I want to change my focus as if she’s hinting that I won’t have a choice to do so on my own soon and just yesterday, one of my colleagues asked me about our relationship because she had been at the dorm to pick up some clothes, and overheard Seonghwa complain to Yeosang that you and I quote ‘barely had time for them anymore because if you weren’t at the studio, you were lost in your mind thinking about me and that it was difficult to raise a family on his own’ … I mean that last one is probably him exaggerating it, but you get the point” I said and Hongjoong nodded, a sad expression on his face as his gaze was fastened diagonally down and he swayed anxiously from side to side in his chair.  
“What have you told them? He asked thoughtfully, a bothered wrinkle between his brows and I shrugged.  
“I tried to tell them as much of the truth as I could. We’re friends, good friends and that even though we feel attracted to each other, we know where the line is and what we would sacrifice if we crossed that line”  
He nodded again and I sighed, tired from this constant feeling of needing to hide.  
“Come” He said and patted on a chair next to him, “Let’s forget about them for a minute or two. What do you think about this?”  
He gave me the headphones, my fingers brushed against his and I listened to the music he created, my heart full of affection and his smile bright.

…….

It was the beginning of May and I was just about to go out and get dinner when my phone rang. I picked it up, not looking at the caller ID and Wooyoung’s frenzied voice rambled something incoherent. All I could hear was ‘Hongjoong’ and something that sounded like ‘come quick’ at the other end.  
“Slow down, Youngie. What are you talking about?” I said, my heart rushing as I started to jog down to where my car was parked just as Wooyoung took a deep breath at the other end,  
“Just hurry, we’re home” Before the call ended and I cursed, got into my car, out of breath from my anxious state already and drove as quickly as I dared to the boy’s dorm.  
I arrived 10 minutes later, parked and jumped out the car, feared the worst when I unlocked the entrance door with a shaky hand. Took the short stairs up in three steps and then unlocked their front door as well, slammed it behind me and rushed in.  
“What happened?” I yelled out, prepared to see a full wardrobe of ripped clothing, blood, someone passed out or something else horrible but all I could see was eight pairs of eyes, standing in the living room, dressed in gym clothes as if they’d just came back from dance practise. Wooyoung, San, Mingi and Yunho stood in a half circle around the rest of the members, Hongjoong on his knees, Seonghwa in front of him, holding him down with both hands on his shoulders, Jongho behind him in a similar position with Yeosang just next to him, kitchen scissors in one hand, paused in the middle of a movement, and Hongjoong’s mullet was placed between the two blades, execution style.  
“Noona… save me, please” Hongjoong begged, relief on his face and he looked at me like I was his knight in shining armour. He tried to wiggle out of their grip but Jongho just shook his head and pressed down on his shoulders harder, almost bending Hongjoong’s knees to a sitting position instead before he gave Yeosang a small nod,  
“Bye bye mullet” Yeosang sang happily and the snip that followed, echoed between us as a piece of hair dramatically fell to the floor like a leaf in autumn.  
“Wow, savage” Seonghwa said almost impressed and Yeosang winked at him with finger guns after the scissor was handled to Yunho, another snip followed and Hongjoong hung his head, a pout on his lips as his pride and joy was cut away.  
“This is what I rushed here for?” I couldn’t help but exclaim, a bit pissed off that it wasn’t anything more serious.  
“What do you mean? This is a religious experience” Wooyoung said, almost offended as he ritually snipped away another piece of hair before the scissors continued to travel.  
“We’ve been fighting him for almost an hour and hoped that your input would help him get over the fact that it’s time” Seonghwa said and Hongjoong looked up at him angrily before his eyes moved over to mine.  
“Why didn’t you tell me about the new concept?” He said a bit hurt and I frowned.  
“I only plan your wardrobe. I’ve gotten a colour scheme and a mood board and that’s it. We’ll get to know more, just as you at the meeting tomorrow. What do you know about it?” I asked confused as Jongho received the scissors to snip away the last piece while he answered my question.  
“We only know that hyung’s hair is going to get shorter and the styling noonas gave us the pleasure to cut off the main parts.  
“My hair” Hongjoong said unhappily and looked down where the traces of the mullet had collected at his feet, before his fingers reached back to touch his naked neck.  
I couldn’t help but giggle at his misery then, still a bit sour but happy that Wooyoung had called me after all and the members joined in stifled chuckles as they put the scissors away. Jongho leaned down, picked up a strand of hair and said with an impressively straight face, “We could probably sell this to a good price”  
Seonghwa shook his head, a disapproving look on his face, but a smile still played on his lips as he grabbed the vacuum cleaner.  
-  
“Good afternoon” The hair stylist and Hongjoong looked up at the same time, meeting my eyes in the mirror in front of them, both thinking I said it specifically for them and smiled at me before they greeted me as well. I sat down in the chair next to Hongjoong, turned it to look at him and he was just about to do the same when the hairstylist grabbed the side of his head and just avoided a dangerous accident as she shaved away any last traces of the long hair in his neck.  
The meeting that morning had gone well, and the company wasted no time to turn the members styles around as soon as they got an ok. The other ones were already done, and all anxiously waited for Hongjoong’s big reveal in the dance practise room a few doors down. The only reason why I’d been allowed in was simply to discuss styling and hair colouring with the one that was going to do it and I was lucky to work in a company that considered my approach as well, since I was deep down in the work of creating his wardrobe.  
“So… I talked to my colleagues” She started and parted his hair in the middle, softly pulling on either side of his fringe, “and since the concept is leaning towards a summer vibe… we figured red would be a good look… think auburn for ‘Illusion’ and then maybe a bit darker for ‘Wave”  
Hongjoong looked up in surprise, his eyes met the stylist before they flicked to mine through the mirror and I nodded, a bit impressed with the outside of the box thinking. It would definitely be the biggest change within the group.  
“I say go for it. I think I'd look good” I said but Hongjoong wasn’t convinced.  
“Just good?” He asked and I rolled my eyes.  
“No, not just good, you’re gonna look amazing, Joongie. Trust me on this one” I said, confidence in my voice and he sighed with a nod, almost as if he trusted my judgement more than he trusted his own.  
“Well…” He clicked his tongue, “I’ve never had a reason to doubt you before, let’s go”  
-  
The recording of Illusion would take two days and Eunji and I, together with our colleagues helped each other to load the truck with clothes and accessories to the film set. It was an hour drive to the location, and I was anxious to start working, excited for the new step in the development of the members story. We loaded off, paused for a quick lunch, still standing, one hand holding the food while the other was busy counting and checking the items to make sure that each piece went to each member. The group themselves arrived a few minutes later and I inhaled deeply when Hongjoong came into view, the auburn hair made him look incredible and he smiled greatly when he saw me, just as I paused to stare at him in the middle of a motion. He held out his arms to give me a hug, but I interrupted with a hushed “Not here” before I grabbed my rack of clothes, feeling my heart hammer hard in my chest. He followed me without a word to a more secluded area that had been fixed so that the members could dress in peace.  
“Hi” He said softly and immediately closed his arms around me, like he hadn’t seen me for days.  
“Hi” I said back and swallowed, his new appearance made him almost seem like a different person but he still smelled and felt the same and I closed my eyes as I buried my face into the crook of his neck, still expected the long hair that now were gone, to tickle me in the face.  
“How do I look?” He asked, still a bit unsure of this new style of his and I let him go slightly to properly look at him. My fingers reached out to pull on the short hair in the back of his neck before they travelled down, over his neck and I felt how he gulped under my fingertips as they travelled under his chin when I turned his head from side to side, coming dangerously close to his face. I nodded, pursed my lips and gave him a satisfied smile.  
“Let’s just say that, if we would be dating, I’d take off your clothes for a whole other reason than forcing you to put on new ones,” I said, thinking that I was real clever but Hongjoong was better, he always was.  
“You’d let me take you right here against the wall?” Voice husky and a smirk on his lips and my cocky smile faltered slightly as I looked up at him again, my heart flipped from the intensity in his voice, and he backed me up with three short steps as he talked, my back hit the concrete wall behind me with a small thump.  
He pressed himself against me and my breath hitched, both from the sudden impact and the lethal look in his eyes as he leaned forward, close enough to brush his nose against mine. I swallowed hard, eyes closed as I collected myself for a second, forced back a groan as my stomach did somersaults, and I gulped, heart raced in my chest.  
“I’ll let you take me here against the wall” I whispered back and met his eyes again. Arousal pooled between my legs as he gasped, breathlessly, surprised that I not only nibbled at the bait he laid out but swallowed it whole. He softly twirled a lock of my hair around his finger and I braced myself, fully prepared to finally feel his soft lips press against mine. But the feeling never came as he took a step back from me instead with a chuckle and I fell forward slightly, my body unconsciously chased after his.  
“It’s unfortunate that I made a promise a few months ago then, babe” He said, sticking out his tongue at me and I shook my head, bit my lower lip and a smile tugged on them as he teased me with words that could’ve been my own. A smile that quickly faltered when my gaze flicked down as he unzipped his jeans. He smiled dangerously and my gaze lingered on his crotch for a few seconds before they went back up to his eyes, a twinkle in them that I hated to love. He knew that he was hard and his cock, big and proudly erect, pushed against the insides of his underwear. He licked his lower lip, bit softly on it to suppress a choked gasp as he looked at me and I looked back at him. Both hearts excitedly pounding and the need for each other made us yearn, writhe as we watched each other like two carnivores ready to attack. It shouldn’t affect me as much as it did, we’d been in this situation for far too many times by now. But I couldn’t help it.  
Hongjoong let his jeans pool at his ankles, the belt buckle hit the floor with a soft clang, and I flinched slightly at the sound as he challenged me with his gaze. Provoked the side of me that he’d wrapped around his little finger and I tensed my jaw as I swallowed and clenched around nothing, the burning wetness between my legs made me pout. But two people could play this game and I leaned back against the wall again, one hand stroked down my body while I placed my index finger on my tongue, simulating what I’d do if it would be his cock and Hongjoong’s head tilted to one side like a confused puppy, enticed, eyebrows raised with a curious smile tugging on his lips and his gaze on me was overshadowed with lust. I reached up to grasp my left boob, kneading it hard and gasped, the feeling of his hooded eyes spurred me on as I reached down to tease my clit over my clothes.  
“That promise is a real pity, right?” I said, my legs rubbing against each other as I teased him and his eyelids fell, lips parted and he swallowed hard as he submitted to his lust, his own hand sneaked down to the front of his underwear and he shuddered as he closed his hand over his twitching cock, eyes rolled back, his toned stomach clenched and my breath hitched as I quickly unzipped and plunged my hand into my pants as well, my eyes closed as my fingers found my clit. Hongjoong’s hand reached over to the nape of my neck, softly pulling on my hair and I groaned at the feeling, basically melted into his touch. I opened my eyes again as his hand moved over to cup my face, lovingly, with his thumb softly stroking my cheek and I swallowed hard, my chest swelled with affection for him and I couldn’t help but look down, to where his body flushed against mine and I could feel the erratic movements of his hand against my lover stomach as it moved quickly over his length.  
“Fuck, baby girl, you look so beautiful like this” He whispered into my ear and I shuddered as he leaned over and pressed a light kiss underneath my earlobe, the feeling of his soft lips against my skin for the first time made me fall into a frenzy and I whined as he pushed me up harder against the wall with his body weight, “You’re soaking wet aren’t you? God, I wish I could just move those panties aside and fuck you so hard you’d be stumbling out of here” He moaned against me and my head fell into the crook of his neck as I inhaled. The smell of him filled my senses and made my blood boil as I imagined him to do all the things he wanted, “You wish you I could so as well don’t you? Wish that I’d come inside that tight, pretty cunt of yours, huh?” I nodded, my mind so deep into a cloud of wanton need that I couldn’t think of the consequences and he moved his hand from my face, his fingers graced the front of my body and my breath hitched as he barely touched the lining of my panties when a voice from one of the styling noonas echoed through the corridor.  
“Are you guys ready? We need Hongjoong in make-up soon”  
I cursed and paused my movements, took a few deep breaths and said as calmly as I could.  
“Give us five”  
The steps faltered away again and Hongjoong bit his lower lip, looked at me with longing eyes and said, “Tell me what to do”  
I swallowed, a bit embarrassed, took his free hand in mine and held it to my throat, my heart skipped a beat when he looked at me with big eyes as if he didn’t understood what I wanted him to do at first. I closed his fingers around my windpipe, his thumb pressed on my main artery and he bit down on his tongue, a gasp escaped his lips. I wrapped one leg over his hip, pushed him close against me and earned a sharp inhale from him as he bucked his hips forward, and my heart flipped when I felt him, hard and twitching against my heat.  
“Choke me”  
-  
Saipan was hot and it felt like the tropical humidity had its aim set to kill me, I was wearing a tank top and shorts and still felt how they immediately stuck to my body the minute we got out of the air-conditioned airport. We’d arrived just that morning for the recording of ‘Wave’ and even though some of the staff took the opportunity to actually enjoy the sun, I couldn’t pause for even a second. I feared that my head would fill up with thoughts I shouldn't think about, things that were so far from work appropriate as they could come and Hongjoong shedding his clothes before I got the chance to escape the hotel room didn’t make things better. He caught me before I opened the door though and his hand felt so warm and inviting around my wrist that my heart skipped a beat.  
“Let me go, Joong” I said, and refused to look back at him as he closed his arms around my midriff instead, his naked chest pressed onto my back. I sighed deeply, repressed the need to lean back against him and inhaled sharply as he placed a butterfly soft kiss on my naked shoulder.  
“Stay, just for a minute before you have to go back to work” He begged, his hot breath ghosted against the nape of my neck and I shuddered as the feeling in combination with the chilly air conditioner made my skin prickle.  
My heart ached at the emotion behind his voice and I sighed again and surrendered to my need for him, my arm fell back to my side as he gently spun me around. I wet my lips and took in the familiar sight of his body, the skinny blue jeans he wore. The way his chest flexed slightly, unconsciously when he realized I was staring. He’d started to work out more these days, him and San spend most evenings in the company gym for an hour or two and I was over the moon when I heard the news, mainly over the fact that the two brothers seemed to finally have found some sort of a middle ground despite their mutual attraction to me.  
“Have I ever told you how much I can’t stop thinking about you?” He asked, the sincerity in his voice made my stomach turn and he twirled a lock of my hair around his index finger as the other hand rested gently on my hip. I rolled my eyes, like I couldn’t believe what he was saying, but I was swooning on the inside and he knew that just as well as I did, “Have I ever told you how lucky I am” He continued, and placed both hands on my hips now, swaying us softly to the beat of the tropical music playing through the open window from a radio in one of the other rooms outside, “I mean, I could’ve gotten any of the five others that got the job when you did and yet they choose you-”  
“Because you stepped in to defend me” I protested but Hongjoong only shook his head,  
“Because your passion to get the work done was greater than being polite and sit still at a boring meeting” I looked away, pouting as a shy feeling washed over me, but I couldn’t help but smile at the words and wanted to blame the weather for the sudden heat wave that rushed over my body. Hongjoong moved his hand to clasp it with mine, the other softly grazed my lower back and he looked down on our hands, intertwined our fingers and I swallowed, “To see you nearly every day, working alongside you, to see the excitement in your eyes when we talk about the things we create… to be your friend… “ He paused, as if he wanted me to add something else to the statement but I kept it unsaid between us, “To hold your hand as we walk through these moments together… that’s why I am so incredibly lucky” Affection radiated from his eyes and I realized right then and there, as church bells on top of the mountain sounded, that I loved him. I’d known for a month or so that I was in love, never really reflected about it much, but this feeling was new, as if the butterflies in my stomach suddenly stopped and a twisting knot had replaced it. My heart didn’t just flutter when I looked at him, it hurt, but it was an agonizing pain that I couldn’t help but embrace. Like it was like my feelings for him, magnified and I almost choked on my breath when I met his brown eyes, so lost in them that I had a hard time to breathe.  
I remembered back, months ago when I began falling for him, charmed by his charisma, his sweet words and the way he looked at me like I was meant for him, and only him. That it would break him if I’d ever look at someone else than him, and I knew that I couldn’t as well. Too in love with the way he watched me longingly from across the room when the make-up noonas fixed him up for the stage, too attached by the way his body felt against mine when I lifted up the blanket in the dead of the night and he crawled up against my chest, threw his arm around my waist and pressed me so close against his body that I feared for his anxiety filled mind.  
I loved him so much my heart ached, and it felt like it broke in two and was filled with warmth at the same time. My breath hitched and he placed a hand on my cheek, and I was just about to choke forth a small stop when he smiled,  
“Yes… I really want to kiss you right now, but I know what you said. I will keep your promise” He leaned in and pressed the kiss that was meant for my lips next to my ear instead and I felt my heart racing, like I’d just ran a marathon.


	7. That reformed outfit of his

It was the 14th of May and we’d just landed in Japan. I was excited, since I’d never been there and my legs bounced so restlessly that Hongjoong, of all people, placed a hand on my knee to stop it. We took a car, and first drove to a nearby shop, where the boys got dropped off with a handful of cameramen to buy a punishment for when they were returning for Korea. I didn’t know why and only sighed as I waited restlessly in my car, longed for them to come back quickly so I could get started with work. They came back fifteen minutes later, smiles on their faces and I shook my head at their shenanigans. I loved to see this side of them as well, appreciated that they could just be themselves for a few minutes, and even though there were cameras in their faces, I could see how fun they’d had.  
We got to the hotel, checked in and unloaded our luggage. Hongjoong was paired to roommate with Yunho as usual and they looked back at me as soon as they got the key card and the lady at the reception handled me one as well so that I could have easy access to Hongjoong’s wardrobe. I smiled, thanked her and made eye contact with Hongjoong again, grateful, since there seemed to be a silent mutual agreement between the two brothers about our situation, and I was sure that Yunho didn't mind having the room for himself when his hyung would sneak into my room in the small hours of the night. I handled Hongjoong his personal bag, and all of us, members and staff went to our rooms to get started with the day. I rubbed my eyes sleepily, still tired from the plane ride and the adrenaline that had been pumping in my body from standing on soil I’d never touched before. Me and another styling noona named Lee Soo-jin, a sweet girl my age with light brown hair cut in a bob and round glasses that adorned her heart-shaped face, were roommates for this trip and I'd taken her under my wing since she’d gotten the news of a possible promotion. A promotion that would allow her to have her own complete focus on a member.  
"So, what's our first objective?" She asked after we’d made ourselves comfortable in the room and cleared her throat, nervous but excited to get started and the question caught me off guard. I was so used to being the one that asked the questions back in the days when I was new, and nowadays when I was so sure about my work, having a schedule that was rolling continuously and pretty much the same, since I only had to focus all my attention on one person, and working mainly alone, every day just went by without me having to think much.  
"You're going to get Yunho as your main focus, right?" I asked, maybe a bit too straightforward since it really hadn’t been decided yet and she blushed lightly and nodded,  
"That's the idea, but it really depends on how good I'm doing my work. "  
"I see" I drifted off, holding a conversation wasn't really my strong suit and she looked at me, slightly puzzled as she wondered where my questions would lead. I cleared my throat, opened up the big bag that held all of Hongjoong's stage clothes and outfits for interviews and grabbed the one on top.  
"Well, the first thing you need to know is that privacy really doesn't exist. It’s something you need to remember, mainly for your own sake"  
I motioned for her to follow me as I walked out through our door and across the corridor two doors down. I knocked on the door as a warning, waited a few seconds and then entered with the help of the key card.  
"Hey, what are you doing?" Hongjoong yelped, slightly surprised as he grabbed a pillow and hugged it close against his naked chest where he stood next to the bed.  
He was lonely but the sound of running water could be heard through the bathroom door and I guessed that Yunho must've taken the longer straw when it came to who would get to shower first.  
"It's nothing I haven't seen before, Joongie" I said casually and hung the outfit, still enclosed within its protective garment bag, over the edge of a wardrobe door.  
"No, but you're not alone" He pouted, and I didn’t know if it was because he felt embarrassed or disappointed as his eyes flicked between us and I looked back at Soo-jin, her gaze glued to the floor and I shook my head at her flustered state.  
"Sweetheart, you're not going to be able to do your job properly if you can't even look at the person in front of you” I started, voice soft but firm, “I mean, I get why. It can be intimidating and even a bit overwhelming, but I swear, Joongie here is as harmless as a fly. So, I'm sorry to say, but you just gotta suck it up if you want to keep your job"  
Hongjoong cocked his head to the side, one eyebrow raised, surprised at my lack of empathy and I shrugged. I liked her, she was sweet, did a great job as a designer and had a pleasant personality but I wasn't going to go easy on her just because of that. It was a tough job, the days were long, and it was hard enough without me needing to do extra work because the person I worked with was a bit shy. The shower stopped suddenly and Yunho didn't seem to even dry himself up a little before he walked out of the bathroom, drops of water still running over his naked chest and he froze as he realised that the room contained more people than when he’d left it. A yelp escaped his lips as he wrapped the towel closer around his hips. Water quickly collected on the floor underneath him and Hongjoong gave him a look under his brows, not amused at all by the now very wet floor.  
"Hi" I said, my eyes focused on his face, too used to seeing the members bodies that his nakedness didn’t bother me at all, I saw them all as brothers anyway and even though their great physique made me stare for a second too long sometimes, I wouldn’t dream to do anything with them that even resembled sex.  
"Hi?" He replied, more as a question and I placed a hand on Soo-jin's shoulder to introduce her.  
"This is Lee Soo-jin, and management has given her the chance to prove that she's ready to have a focus; you"  
Yunho's eyebrows rose up, surprised and a smile tugged on his lips, happy that it was finally his turn to have someone who could get to know him better instead of having to share his thoughts with three or more people when it came to his personal taste. He extended his right hand, bowed slightly, a true gentleman as always, the left still held onto the towel for dear life and Soo-jin finally looked up to meet his eyes when she grabbed his hand and shook it as she introduced herself. Amidst all that happened, Hongjoong made eye contact with me and I remembered back close to eight months ago when he introduced himself to me, eyes twinkling, freshly debuted and a big smile on his lips. Saving me in one of the most life changing moments I’ve ever experienced.  
..  
The day continued, they had an interview after lunch, and I dressed Hongjoong with knowing hands. Buttoned up his white shirt and watched as he fastened his belt, my hand still resting over his fluttering heart and I met his eyes behind his round glasses as I felt it pick up in speed when his fingers brushed against my lower stomach because I stood so close to him. My tongue flicked out to lick my lower lip and his gaze wandered down to them, only for a few seconds before the moment passed and we let each other go again, standing on the edge of what was work appropriate.  
The interview was planned to take an hour and I couldn’t sit down, constantly chewed on my lip and drummed my fingers on the table I leaned on, only paused to sip on my coffee as I watched the members on the TV that was placed in the changing room, broadcasting the show live. Soo-jin joined at my side, and she pushed her glasses up higher on the bridge of her nose as she looked up as well, her gaze flicked between me and the program that was on. She chuckled and it broke the spell I was under as I looked over at her with confused eyes.  
“You know that you’ve been staring at the screen for twenty-seven minutes, now right?” She asked and I nodded, not really seeing what was so funny for a few seconds until I realized, and I smiled at her.  
“Oh, you mean the amount of time I spend staring at my client?” I asked and tried not to waver from the weird taste in my mouth as I placed Hongjoong in the box he was supposed to be in, not a lover, not even a friend. A _client_.  
She seemed to misunderstand my frown as disapproval because the smile on her lips disappeared quickly, “I’m sorry unnie… I didn’t mean to offend” She bowed low and I looked at her surprised, both at her honorific, I couldn’t guess that she was younger than me and the fact that she seemed genuinely upset that she might’ve hurt my feelings with her laughter, “I’d just heard stories from Eunji-nim and others that you were one of the most passionate that worked for the company. I guess I never thought that someone like that existed. I’m sorry, it’s a compliment” She hurried to add and bowed again.  
I scoffed out a laugh, thanked her for her kind words and promised that I wasn’t offended, crossed my arms over my chest, honour and happiness warmed my heart over her compliment and I looked back at the TV, and smiled when the boys shouted “8 makes 1 team” The camera panned over their feet as they did the signature move and I laughed with them, clapping my hands softly as if I was there with them, pride and joy made my heart jump as they, the people that I, over the time I spent with them, considered not only my friends but my second family, make their impact into the world.  
“You should see me when they have a concert. I always try to get finished so that I can watch the whole thing. That, my dear, is about two hours” I said and Soo-jin’s face fell in my peripheral vision.  
“No… wait, really?” She asked and a nervous giggle fell from her lips. I looked over at her again, completely serious, nodded and said, “Really” and she swallowed hard, as if she questioned her own dedication.  
..  
We finished with the schedule for the day a few hours later and met Hongjoong and Yunho just as they walked out from their hotel room, newly changed to comfier clothes since we were just going to grab dinner and Hongjoong joined at my side, stretched his arms above his head before he placed his right arm around my figure and squeezed me in a half hug.  
“Did I do good today, noona?” He asked and I broke free slightly from his grasp to comb my fingers through the redness of his hair in the back of his head as we walked and he closed his eyes slightly, leaned in my touch and my heart jumped in my chest as I watched him, so amazingly gorgeous that it hurt.  
“You did amazing, darling” I said, and he sighed at the nickname, something that I came to call him more and more often, nuzzled his nose into my neck playfully and I yelped slightly from the ticklish feeling.  
-  
It was D-day, KCON and my heart beat so hard I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. The boys had been on stages, but this one was going to be the biggest so far, and an opening stage as well. Anxiety ran quickly through my veins, poisoned my blood and clouded my judgement as I pulled up the zipper on Hongjoong's jacket and wondered once again if I'd done him good. If I'd done _enough_ to prove to the whole world that this group was going to be the next big thing. Hongjoong was calm though and I dressed him with shaky hands, my eyes flicked nervously as I ran my fingers over his clothed chest and I could feel how he held his breath as my fingers unconsciously travelled downwards, stopping just above the edge of his pants. We were surrounded by people, and he looked around nervously, not able to just grab my hands without causing a scene.  
“Do you want me to pop a boner, right here on the spot or what?” He hissed, as silently as he could and I looked down at my hands, realised that I’d basically slipped my fingers into the edge of his pants and quickly removed them as if I’d burned myself.  
“Sorry” I whispered and swallowed as my face heated up with embarrassment.  
“Don’t apologize, I understand that you’re anxious. I am as well. I just… want to be here with you for as long as I can. You bring calmness to my heart… just wait until I’m up at stage” He chuckled nervously, and I bit my lip,  
“But you think you look good right?” I asked and averted my eyes from his, my fingers back on his body as I played with the collar on his red dress shirt, undoing the highest button, “I tried to take as many elements of you that I could, bringing back the familiar design of the jacket because I know how much you liked it, and I tried to make you look unique even though all eight of you wear basically the same thing” I rambled and Hongjoong nodded,  
“You did amazing, noona” He said, and I looked up to meet his gaze. He gave me a soft smile and I paused, felt his words in my heart for a few seconds before I looked away again, and my fingers travelled down to the red chain that was attached to his jacket instead and he sighed and said with a gentle voice, “You’re more than you think of yourself, ok?” While he placed a warm hand on my cheek. I sighed, melted into his hand and didn’t even feel like protesting from his strong sentence because it was honestly everything I needed to hear at that moment,  
“You’ve done everything, from the tiniest detail, perfect. Just look at me in these clothes, don’t you feel your heart swoon just a little?” He asked, twirled around once and I giggled, feeling like a weight had been lifted and he took me in his arms again, held me tight and whispered,  
“Bet you’d prefer me naked though” Before he gave me a cheeky grin and I hit him lightly on his arm, scrunched my nose at his antics and he stuck out his tongue, delighted to have changed my mood.  
-  
It was late and I woke up to the soft click of a key card in the door before it slightly creaked open and light feet shuffled over the carpeted floor. My eyes were still closed and I just raised my blanket, the crinkling of the sheet signalled which bed I slept in and soon enough Hongjoong’s warm body laid down next to me, and he exhaled deeply, like he’d held his breath, before he placed a soft kiss on the crown of my head and laid his arm over my body. I counted on hearing his soft snores within minutes, but they never came, and I angle my head up, my nose bumped slightly into his chin.  
“What is it?” I whispered as silently as I could against his neck, fearing that I might wake up Soo-jin who slept in the bed just a few meters away from mine.  
Hongjoong sighed and if we wouldn’t be laying down, he’d look away, a small wrinkle between his eyebrows as he fought his own consciousness from laying his thoughts and worries on my mind as well, “I did good, right?” He asked and cleared his throat, still hoarse from screaming at the stage hours ago and hesitant, like he didn’t want to completely speak his mind.  
“You did good” I reassured him, a hand on his shirt clad chest and I felt his heartbeat picking up when he pressed on,  
“Even though my voice broke?”  
“Even though you hyped up both the members and the crowd with your enthusiastic energy” I added, and he sighed,  
“Even though I sweated all over the stage and the clothes that you’ve put together for me?”  
I exhaled through my nose, a bit frustratedly and pressed a soft kiss on his collarbone, “Yes darling, even though you gave your all and forced me to throw your clothes into the washing machine after a performance that enchanted thousands of people”  
He got the point and scoffed at my choice to turn around everything he said into something positive, “Thank you, babe” He whispered and pressed his body even closer to mine, tangled our legs and pressed his chest so hard against mine that I could swear I felt his heart, the beating of it matching mine. I breathed in his scent in the nape of his neck, the scent that was only him and he nuzzled his nose into my hair while a comforting warmth flooded my bloodstream.  
-  
I woke up the next morning from a surprised, “What the actual fuck?” and the shouting made me frown, still dazed from sleep. I rubbed my eyes and came face to face with a very perplexed Soo-jin who looked at me and my bed mate with wide eyes.  
“I’ve heard rumours being whispered at the company but it’s true, isn’t it?” She asked, slightly breathless and surprisingly giddy, hands clasped and feet stomping, like she was a kid who just got promised the biggest bag to fill at the candy store.  
“What rumours?” I asked and sat up slightly, lifted Hongjoong’s arm away from my body, rustling him up from his sleep in the process and he groaned softly, not wanting to wake up, wrapped his arms around my waist instead and buried his face against my side.  
Soo-jin raised her eyebrows and gave me a look that clearly explained everything she’d left unsaid. I waved my hand in front of me, stifled a yawn behind the other and said,  
“We’re not dating. If that’s what the rumour is about?”  
“Of course, that’s what it’s about. Look at you both, you're holding onto each other like two newlyweds… wait… did you have sex with me in the room?” She curled her lip and looked at me with disgust and I furrowed my brow, quickly getting pissed off at her persisting,  
“What? No! We’re not dating, and we haven't had sex! We’re just close, that’s all”  
Soo-jin looked at me like she didn’t believe me and was just about to open her mouth again to protest when I interrupted her, my voice calm but strict,  
“You need to keep your mouth shut, if you know what’s best for you. You’re under my supervision, remember that. One more word of this and you can say goodbye to that promotion. A perfect degree in design is not the only thing that matters in the real world. I will not work along someone who help spread false rumours no matter what it’s about, what you’re doing in your own time is your business but right now, especially with a client between us, this is a workplace and if I say that we’re not dating, you should take my word, not the gossip they spread about us at the company because people have nothing better to do than destroy each other’s lives. If you think that the skinship between us seem inappropriate and it’s bothering you, I will sleep in the boys’ room for the rest of your training”  
She closed her mouth immediately, regret in her eyes as she realized she’d crossed the line of what was considered professionalism and I softly shoved Hongjoong to the side, got up just as he opened his eyes and came face to face with Soo-jin as well. Fear shadowed his eyes and he looked over at me, as I took out my clothes for the day.  
“Good morning” Soo-jin swallowed hard when she met his eyes, a red shameful flush covered her cheeks, “I won’t tell” she added shortly and then looked away just as fast, stood up, grabbed her phone and key card, gave me a quick glance, nodded a quick goodbye and said, “I’m sorry” with a quivering voice before she turned on her heel and walked out.  
“What did you do? Hongjoong asked, half still terrified and half amused, I shrugged.  
“Told her simply that she needed to show some respect if she wanted to be respected”  
-  
It was friday and we’d been back in Korea for a few days now. I was working on some accessories, sitting at my desk in my apartment, material scattered all over it and I hummed along to the music that played on the radio. The boys were busy with preparations for the new comeback. Dancing up to twelve hours a day, rehearsing the new songs between food and a few hours of rest and most days, I wondered how they could even stand upright, with the soles of their feet red and bruised, muscles aching and bodies beaten up when the fatigue and loss of sleep failed them and they stumbled or even fell. I couldn’t spend time with them, mainly because there wasn’t any time over in the day to have any kind of social interaction but also because I was such a coward at heart, and it hurt to see them the way they were. I knew that this is what they wanted and fought for but the way they pushed themselves was unbelievable and I didn’t know if it was blind madness or intense passion that drove them as unit to keep forcing their way forward. I was impressed, I’d been with all their comebacks but this one seemed different, more intense and I could see and hear that they pressured themselves more severely this time, more often than not catching small glimpses of choked sobs behind closed doors in their dorm when I quickly went in and out to collect or leave a garment or clothes. It made my heart hurt and the part of me that considered them my family flinched with sorrow, but I couldn’t stay to comfort them, didn’t want to knock on the closed doors and potentially embarrass them with the fact that I caught them in a vulnerable moment.  
I sighed, rubbed the bridge of my nose and checked the time on my phone. It was dinnertime and I paused with what I was doing. Just thinking about them, made me miss them. Hongjoong in particular of course and I sighed and pouted, the accessory I worked on left ignored on the table. Should I take a guess? There was a small chance that they ate around this time anyway. I stood up and left without a second thought, just brought my phone and wallet with me as I drove directly to the company.  
I was right about the dinner, all eight of them sat in a circle on the floor, some take-out boxes which they all shared in the middle and I knocked softly on the glass door to the dance practise room before entering, only another stylist and two choreographers were there as well, eating by themselves while leaning against the wall at my left, deep into the screen of their phones to even notice me entering.  
“Noona! What are you doing here?” Jongho asked happily and I gave him a great smile back, feeling how my heart squeezed, since I regarded him as my little brother and he immediately rushed up to pick me up in his strong arms. I’d never considered myself the smallest, but Jongho never had a problem hoisting me up and he spun me around while I yelped, half terrified and half overjoyed as I begged him to put me down again, as you do when you get picked up as an adult, more or less scared that you’ll fall. I met the others eyes when I felt the floor under my feet again, Mingi and Yunho wasn’t slow to greet me, putting their arms around me, sandwiching me in a big hug and I disappeared slightly between them, just as Seonghwa and Yeosang joined as well, repeating the action. Wooyoung and San were quick to follow, and I embraced them both, one at the time this time though. Wooyoung gave me the same cute smile as always, embracing me with all his might and cuddled up at me like a puppy. Telling how much he missed me with an aegyo that would put any pretty woman to shame. San’s smile was as bright as the sun and I wondered in my mind if he still felt something for me when he placed his arms around me, gently, like I was made of glass. All seven turned to look at Hongjoong then where he stood by himself and they exchanged a certain look between them before they dissolved around me again, going back to their food at the floor to give us space. We couldn’t leave the room, both because of their tight schedule and because it would be highly suspicious if we did so, even though I could see how much Hongjoong wanted to as well. He still closed his arms around me in an innocent hug though and I was just about to let him go when he whispered, “Wait, don’t pull away just yet- I wanna hug you a little longer” and pressed his hands flat on my back, rubbing small circles there. I wore a dress, because of the hot humid weather outside, and his skin against my naked back send jolts of electricity through my body, making me sigh, like I could breathe properly for the first time in days. If we’d be alone, he’d probably place a few lithe kisses from underneath my chin to my collarbone, but we weren’t and he pressed his lips on my cheekbone instead, just in front of my right ear instead, on the side that was hidden from the staff and I bit my lip to stop myself from smiling like an idiot when he gave me a small nose scrunch afterward, our hearts beat hard both from being so sneaky and the fact that just seeing each other again, after three whole days of silence, made us giddy like two crushing fourteen year olds.  
“Thank you for visiting me” He whispered, and I shook my head and said,  
“I missed you so much it hurt” with so much honest that I almost surprised myself and his eyes soften. Tongue flicking out to wet his slightly cracked lips and I dug through my bag to fish out a lip balm, simply out of pure reflex to make sure that he always looked like a thousand bucks and he gladly took it as I felt my heart skip to the ridiculous thought that we’d second-hand kissed, when he pressed the stick to his lips.  
“Stay?” He asked and handled back the balm as I shook my head again, a sad smile on my lips. I could deal with pep-talks when we were alone, sitting on the couch, or resting between pillows and blankets but to actually see them receive the cuts and bruises I helped treated afterwards was another deal.  
“You know I can't, it’s too much” I said, silently, almost ashamed that I couldn’t be there for them in every way possible.  
“As long as you leave the door open for me tonight, then. I need someone to kiss me better” He whispered back, and I sighed, feeling my heart skip a beat,  
“Always”  
..  
It was just after 22:00 that evening when a soft knock on the door made me sit up from my half lying position in my bed. I rushed over, excited, but my smile quickly faltered when I saw Hongjoong on the other side, leaning against the wall of my stairwell, lower lip red from his constant biting on it and it looked like he came to my place as soon as they wrapped up in the practise room.  
“How are you?” He asked with a smile as I stood aside to let him in and I furrowed my brows when he stumbled through the doorway, limping slightly and going directly into my bedroom,  
“I should be asking you, that” I said. Anger, frustration and an exorbitant grief hidden behind my words, but he still snapped it up, used to how I worked by now.  
“It’s nothing serious, I twisted my leg slightly because I landed wrong when we did ‘Wave’ The doctor said I should rest for a few days, which is basically impossible since the comeback is in eighteen days and I’m nowhere near as good as I know I have to be” He sulked and winched when he sat down at the edge of my bed, hoisted his leg up with a pained expression before he leaned back against the pillows, and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths through his nose and panted slightly from the pain, and I clenched my jaw at the sight, feeling how my heart burned with anguish to see him like this.  
“How can I help?” I asked and sat down in front of him, my apprehensive hands clasped in my lap and he opened his eyes to look at me again, a slight blush covering his cheeks.  
“I’d ask for a blowjob if we’d be dating, to take my mind off the pain… but a massage is just fine as well”  
I scoffed at his words, my heart skipped a beat and I averted my eyes, feeling how my cheeks flushed as well when my mind ran wild with fantasies of us together.  
He wore clothes that he’d reformed himself and I couldn’t help but smile as I observed him, proud of his aesthetic techniques when it came to make something anew again, much like I did with clothes as well. But as much as I enjoyed seeing them on him, I had to check if he had any other wounds that I needed to have in mind if I wanted to help.  
“Could you…” I trailed off and motioned towards his pants with my head, gulped hard when he looked down before he met my eyes again, a dangerous smirk on his lips as he shrugged.  
“I have a lot of pain in my arms as well, you know…” He said, raised his arms just a centimetre or so before he let them fall back against his sides to prove the point and I sighed, tensed my jaw at his fatal antics but couldn’t help the smile that tugged at the corners of my lips.  
I scooted forward slightly, and he moved to the side, supporting himself on his “hurting” arms when he did so, but I didn’t comment on it and just sat down, right next to him instead, sensing how an agitated feeling simmered in the pit of my stomach. I took my time and inhaled sharply when I reached for his belt, my fingers delicately gentle and movements slow but his stomach still clenched when I brushed against it. I unfastened it and he kept his eyes on me, eyelids already falling slightly, and he gasped faintly when I popped open the button on his pants. Already half hard when I pulled down the zipper and I bit back a moan, taking pleasure in the fact that he was so deeply gone in his desire for me that my simple touch impacted him so immensely. He looked away, ashamed of his impatience but I refused to let him escape.  
“There isn’t a greater compliment in the world, darling” I said and placed my hand on his cheek. The soft light from my bedside lamp illuminated his features and he clasped his hands in his lap, uncomfortable as he met my eyes again, a precious blush on his cheeks and I sucked on the inside of my cheek, a wrinkle between my brows when I looked at him. With his face bare from any products and so amazingly gorgeous, even though dark bags had collected under his eyes from lack of sleep lately and he had a small acne outbreak on both sides of his cheeks, probably from being too fatigued when they got home that he didn’t take the time to properly clean his face. His red hair had faded slightly, and I ran my fingers through it, brushing back some strands that covered his forehead.  
“Yeah, but-” He started but I violently shook my head and tugged on his pants instead.  
“Get these off” I interrupted and he raised himself up slightly without another word to pull the lining of the pants over his butt and down to his thighs where I took over and helped pulling them off completely, being extra careful of his wounded knee right next to me. It was a bit more swollen and I bit my lip when a mother hen feeling mixed with the aroused one in my stomach, swallowed hard, placed one hand on his thigh and he gulped, meeting my eyes under his lashes.  
“We’re all alone now, no one would know” He started, voice dangerously low and I just nodded slowly, my fingers tracing the insides of his thighs and he shuddered to my touch before he swallowed hard, “Only the members knows I’m here. I took a taxi and I’m pretty sure that the driver didn’t know either. We’re not that big, yet…” He continued and I bit onto my tongue as my sight unconsciously went lowered from his eyes, to his lips, his neck, the way his chest raised and lowered with every shaky breath and then came to rest at the clear dent in his underwear.  
“In five weeks” I said and met his hooded eyes again, so black that it made me squirm slightly.  
“Five weeks?” He repeated, confused and I licked my lower lip into my mouth, softly chewing on it,  
“When the promotions are done, and we get a day off. I’ll give myself to you” I exhaled, and he gasped, slumped slightly as if the air was punched out of his lungs.  
“Really?” He asked, as if he didn’t believe me at first.  
“Really…” I assured and stood up, reached for the knot on the front of my sweats and Hongjoong’s eyes widen when I slid my pants down over my thighs, “In the meantime, I want to feel what I’d gotten myself into” I continued and his guttural moan when I carefully straddled his lap almost made me lose it completely. Hands immediately came to rest on my hips, moulded perfectly around them and I inhaled sharply when I felt his skin against mine in a place I’d never felt them before, rested my forehead against his and fought every reflex to not just kiss him, his lips not even a decimetre from touching mine.  
“Fuck, baby. You caught me off guard” He said, hot breath against my face and I hummed along, not really in the state to think of something clever to answer when I collected my courage to do what I aimed to do.  
I took a deep breath and I sat down, planting my ass and cunt on him without any warning at all and the sound of Hongjoong’s surprised gasp went directly into my core as I clenched around nothing, feeling his throbbing cock against the burning wetness between my legs. He squeezed my hips, cautiously bucking his hips up as a reflex to chase my heat and I sobbed out, as the tip of his cock teased my clit.  
“You’re so warm. If this is how good, it feels when you’re just brushing up against me, I know I’ll probably die when I’m finally inside you” He groaned, and my breath hitched when he got braver and began moving my body back and forth over his length.  
I could feel myself soaking through my panties and Hongjoong gasped, delightful when he felt so as well, spreading the wetness between us and a spot started to show up on his underwear as well, where pre-cum had started to leak out. We settled into a rhythm, and the enticing feeling in my core grew as he threatened to dip into my entrance, the burning pleasure when he rubbed against my clit made my heart skip, and soon I was a gasping mess on top of him, taking my release in my own hands as I reached behind me, into my panties and pushed two fingers into my wet cunt, arching my body and letting my head fall back, spurred on by Hongjoongs loud groan as he watched me losing any ounce of control I still had.  
“Just like that baby” He groaned and cursed, “You look so beautiful like this, so totally lost against my hard cock. You wished that I was inside you so bad, don’t you?” I swallowed, knowing that it was a trick question. I’d given him a date and it was risky, knowing how fast our relationship had spiralled out of control just these past three months, “I’m a lot thicker than two fingers, you know that, you can feel that... “He continued but it was too late, I was already too far gone.  
“I’m gonna come” I warned and he only nodded, bit into his lower lip and bucked up harder, taking a possessive hold on me and nibbled down on the nape of my neck before he kissed the place sweetly, the feeling of his lips on my skin made me fall, and I clenched around my fingers, my eyes rolled back as a moan slipped out between my lips.  
“Say my name, baby. Make me know that I’m the one for you” He gasped and I whispered his name, still breathless from the high and he pressed me down harder, pushing me forward, trapping his cock between my oversensitive clit and his lower stomach and I met his black eyes,  
“You’re the one for me, Joong. The only one” I choked out, sincere and without a doubt. The truth resonated deep in my heart and I could feel my eyes tearing up, both from emotion and arousal and he nodded, satisfied with my answer, a wrinkle of concentration between his brows as he used my body to get himself off. The feeling of him made me writhe but he kept me put in place, too invested in his sprint for the finish line to consider my oversensitivity but I didn’t mind much, only enjoyed as I watched him and soon enough his facial expression changed and his thighs tensed up as the wetness of his cum spurted against the insides of his underwear, up against my cunt and he raised me up quickly, scared that I would get some on me. I sighed, satisfied and fell over to the side of my bed, curled up against him and he scooted down as well, slowly to make sure that his leg wouldn’t be in a compromising state, to lay next to me. Our breathing matched and the orgasm had blown out my hearing slightly, but I enjoyed the comforting feeling of white noise, my hands a bit numb and my heart beat hard in my chest.  
“That certainly was better than any massage I’d ever received” Hongjoong said with a smile and I giggled as his hand landed softly on my hip, carelessly playing with my panties and the feeling of amusement quickly changed as I met his eyes again, “Round two?”


	8. That big fuzzy red coat of his

It was June now and the hot summer wind fanned my body slightly as one word filled my mind; _Dazed_.  
The name of both the magazine that the members were going to be featured in and the feeling I immediately got when I saw Hongjoong at the location of the photoshoot, dressed in tight black jeans, a slightly washed out blue denim dress shirt and black suspenders. The first two buttons on the shirt undone, showing off traces of his toned chest and I inhaled sharply as I walked up to him where he sat at the table across the photoshoot spot, a pen between his lips as he focused on the paper in front of him. It was a deadly combination, those clothes and the red of his hair and I felt how my body deflated slightly when he looked up to meet my eyes and the concentration on his face changed to a great smile. He reached out to grab my hand but changed his mind halfway. Brushing off the motion swiftly as he ran his fingers through his hair instead, remembering that we, for once, weren’t on KQ owned ground and even though the photographers and journalists were focused on setting up cameras and preparing questions, they still had their eyes and ears with them.  
“You look good” Hongjoong said softly, loud enough for only me to hear, his eyes scanning me up and down a few times, with a smile still tugging at his lips and I stifled a chuckle,  
“Speak for yourself” I said, not really thinking that my plain fake brand tee and long skirt was much compared to the godly image that was himself.  
His smile became a smirk as he raised his brows lightly and went back to the paper, not even trying to argue with my words, confidence radiating from him and I sighed, unsure of what I was doing on the location since the magazine had already picked out their clothes for the photoshoot and hired their own make-up artists. I only recognized the members managers and one or two directors I’d only seen once before.  
“Why am I here?” I put a voice on my thoughts as I looked around the industrial hall we were in, the ceiling high with large windows that illuminated the room with natural light and concrete, sterile walls and Hongjoong was just about to answer when one of the directors, a woman in her late twenties, holding a video camera, came to stand just a meter or so away from us, watching our interaction with sharp curious eyes. I turned to her with a smile, extended my hand and she plastered a smile on her lips, one that didn’t fully reach her eyes as she took it, seemingly a bit taken aback like she didn’t expect me to notice her as we introduced ourselves.  
“Yeah, I know who you are. What are you doing here? The outfits are already decided” She kept her smile and spoke with a voice that sounded too light and forced, like she was speaking to a child, basically calling me stupid without using the exact words.  
“She’s here because I want her to be” Hongjoong didn’t look up from the paper and I gulped from the sudden depth in his voice, like he warned her not to dig any deeper.  
“Oh, ok… but I thought you had a meeting with the head styling noona… um… Eunji-nim?... was it, right?” The woman asked and I raised my brows, wondering how she'd gotten a hold of that information.  
“It got postponed because of one of my trainees interviews” I said, telling a half truth, I only had one trainee, Soo-jin and it wasn't an interview- just a simple meeting but the woman's smile faltered for just a second when she realised that literally nothing kept me from being right there right now.  
“Well… I’m going to record Ateez’s log since the regular camera man is not on site… so keep out of the way” She gave me a sweet smile, but it dripped of poison more than the honey she probably aimed for and I scoffed at her as she turned on her heel and walked away.  
“So… you want me here… so that you can, what... make me suffer?” I asked with a smile tugging on my lips and turned to Hongjoong again who chuckled lightly as I motioned with my head to the dip in his shirt, a wrinkle between my eyebrows as I watched him. Swallowed deeply when he met my gaze under long lashes again.  
“Well, the suffering is completely optional. I just wanted to see you” He said and his tongue flicked out to wet his lips, a provocative smile tugging on them, eyebrows raised and I shook my head before sitting down in front of him, grabbing the drink next to him and he only protested slightly, a pout on his lips as I placed the straw between my lips and took a sip, enjoying the taste of sweet ice tea.  
“You want me to take time out of my regular schedule to watch you work, not even being able to touch you, for a few hours?” I asked and he shrugged,  
“Will you?” His voice lowered slightly with worry. We were still in Seoul, only twenty minutes away from my apartment and I could easily leave anytime since I arrived in my own car.  
“Of course” I averted my eyes, biting on the straw to get some relief off my fidgety habits, only catching his smile in my peripheral, eyes squinting and gummy teeth showing and my heart swelled as I took another sip and he only shook his head as the amount of his drink became significantly less.  
I watched him throughout the day, placed on the sofa at the other side of the photoshoot spot, like I said I would. Saw how he changed from one revealing outfit to another, gulping hard when he flirted with the camera, his charisma and the smolder in his eyes made my heart skip a beat and the knot of concentrated feelings I had for him hurt in the pit of my stomach. The director who’d been filming their log gave me a smile, and I tried not to frown as jealousy exploded in my chest when she filmed Hongjoong, asked him questions and laughed softly as he joked around. They finished off, went to change back into their own clothes before they thanked the photographers from the magazine and the staff that had been involved with bows and a loud applause. I bit my lower lip as I watched, holding myself back as the director who had filmed them gave them all a hug. A selfish emotion of lack of control showered over me, the reminder that I shared the members with numerous other people flared up as a possessive fire in my heart and I frowned as she closed her arms around Hongjoong, rubbing friendly circles on his back. I clenched my fists, not even flinching when I angrily dug my fingernails into the palm of my hand.  
Hongjoong looked over at me, the smile on his lips quickly faltered when he saw the frown that was on mine and he was at my side with a couple of quick steps, placed his arms around my shoulders and just said simply,  
“Come, let’s get out of here” Not caring about the director woman’s face when it changed from greedy smugness to surprised uncertainty, or the puzzled look of the 'Dazed' owned journalists and photographers as Hongjoong walked us straight out of the building, waving his hand goodbye without turning around and I stifled a giggle behind my hand as I unlocked my car and he jumped into the passenger's seat.  
..  
I’d ordered take-away and we sat on a picnic blanket on the ground in a park, a bit more remote, away from the gravel covered walkway and into the foliage, next to a pond, without anyone in sight. My eyes were closed, one hand interlaced with Hongjoongs on the ground and the other held a can of cola, fried chicken happily resting in my stomach and the sun warmed my face.  
“How are you?” Hongjoong asked, mainly because we hadn’t seen each other for two days but probably partly also because of what just happened and I opened my eyes to look at him, squinting slightly from the sudden brightness.  
“I’m good” I said, feeling that for once I said it because I really was good. Not ‘ok’, not even a ‘maybe just fine’. I was perfectly good. I was full, the weather was comfortable, the grass under our bodies dry and smelled of summer and I sat there, with the person I loved. His brown soft eyes met mine and I could see that he was happy to be in this moment with me as well, even though the concerned wrinkle between his brows wanted me to continue talking, “I’m sorry” I said and broke our gaze, embarrassed by my strong emotions earlier, “I was jealous. I work with you, all eight of you, so intensely. Most days you’re the people I think off first thing in the morning and the last ones I think off before going to bed. It’s amazing and time consuming, emotionally constricting… to think about you all, the other seven as my little brothers and you…” I paused my rambling, swallowed as he wet his lips, the red hair of his bouncing as he combed his fingers through it. The colour reflecting in the sun and he looked so amazing, unreal even, like a dream I never wanted to wake up from, with his honeyed skin and fully unbuttoned shirt. The word we both wanted to say left unspoken between us.  
-  
10th of June. Comeback stage and I was, for the first time in a long time, completely calm. I didn’t know if it was because I was used to the schedule by now or if it was just a false feeling of security when I opened my eyes to a bright and sunny morning. I turned my head and couldn’t help but smile as I met a pair of sleepy dark brown eyes. Red tousled hair covered his forehead and he reached forward to stroke his thumb down my cheek as the sun that beamed down from my bedroom window above our heads, reflected in the colour in his hair.  
“Good morning” He said, voice hoarse from sleep and I sighed, feeling my heart skip happily in my chest from his touch as it gently travelled down, and he laid his arm over my waist, pulling me closer to press a light peck on my forehead.  
“Good morning” I replied, a content smile on my lips from the sweet gesture and he looked at me like I was the only one for him. Like I hung the moon and all the stars in his sky. Like he’d already found the treasure that him and the other members were bound to look for in the concept that has lasted since their debut… And I couldn’t help but sigh, wondering how I could’ve been so lucky. Lucky that I had him here, in my arms. Lucky that management appreciated courage and passion above strict pleasant behaviour all those months ago. Lucky that he felt the same.  
We were in my apartment, one of the many recent new habits of Hongjoongs since he spend that night with me after he’d hurt his knee. It was almost getting ridiculous with the way he tried to convince the staff that he needed to be with me. Coming up with lame excuses to his manager to drive him to my apartment or getting a taxi late in the evening, even though they had to get up early the following day. This time, I apparently needed to do some alterations for the big day. I didn’t know why he preferred to be at my place… maybe because he didn’t want the members eyes on him as they tried to convince him, more through sighs and looks than actual words, that being with me, doing what we did, could end us, all of us. They didn’t have anything against it, quite the opposite; they were overjoyed for us. Almost cheerful that we’d found each other, pleased that Hongjoong seemed happier and rather spent the night with me than alone at the studio. But still so worried and so afraid that what we had would get destroyed if we didn’t watch out, concerned with the fact of an inevitable scandal if media ever got any evidence. I was scared too, all of us knew that Hongjoong and I were standing so far out on the edge of what was considered a normal working relationship that we might as well just hold onto each other, tip over the edge and fuck already.  
Maybe he wanted to hide because of the consistent visits from other styling noonas, as if they were sent out by the company to investigate what was going on, spying and listening if the members mentioned something that pointed out if our relationship had taken another step. But I honestly just hoped that the main reason was him enjoying spending time with me and doing it alone, in the comforting silence of just us and four walls, was the best way to do it.  
“Come on, darling. We need to get up” I said and tried to escape from his arms, but he held me still and his lean strong muscles from years of dancing didn’t give me much of a wiggle room.  
“What’s the time?” He asked and I looked over at my bedside clock.  
“6:15” I answered and he groaned while burrowing his face in the pillow, “Come on, we need to pick up the other members as well, and I don’t want to be late” I continued and he finally let me go, still quite unwillingly and I gave him a final look as he laid there in my bed, his fingers combed lazily through the mess of his hair, the oversized tank-top barely covered his chest, pyjama pants clad legs tangled with the blanket and I sighed deeply at the sight of him, so incredibly stunning, with the light shining on him just right, that I still felt, eight months later, how my breath hitched in my throat.  
I once again questioned what good I’d done on this earth to receive an angel like him.  
..  
Me and Hongjoong went to the dorm earlier than what had been decided days ago so that it looked like I’d been there for a couple of minutes before Eunji arrived. She was picking up some jewellery, and four of the members I couldn’t fit into my car.  
“Good morning” she’d said and didn’t seem surprised to see that I was there already, used by my punctuality by now and I replied with a “Good morning” as well.  
The eight boys looked at us, the air a bit tense as if they didn’t want to disturb the peace between us and just wanted us to say who’d ride with who rather than just jumping into the cars.  
We got to the familiar location, where previous stages had been recorded as well, just before 7:30. The members shouted happily when we walked into the waiting room to see that the place was filled with their stuff, and only their stuff. They had taken a big leap in popularity, with the world tour and most recently, KCON; the company could afford to buy them each some special things to make the place more like theirs. Their logo was basically on everything and each member had their own dressing room. We ate breakfast in silence, knowing it was the calm before the storm and I averted Hongjoong’s searching eyes when he tried to make eye contact with me over the table, nervous and surrounded by members and staff alike. The time for the clothes change came quickly after that and Eunji and Soo-jin exchanged looks between them as I grabbed my rack of clothes and went out to the corridor again, only to notice that Hongjoong’s room was just to the left, connected with the waiting room we’d been in. We went in and I saw that the door that separates the two rooms didn’t have a lock and Hongjoong sighed, a disappointed pout on his lips when he realized, as well, that he wouldn’t be able to touch me like he wanted too. He undressed slowly, probably deep in thought, unconsciously putting on a show for me and I couldn’t help but watch, like so many times before. Feeling my pulse pick up when he shed his clothes, his focus was elsewhere, and he looked behind me at the closed door with worried eyes.  
"We're not doing anything that we shouldn't, darling. Proceed with what you're doing" I said, voice low and he chewed on his lip, nervously and I held out a shirt for him to put on just as the door flung open and we both flinched with surprise when Eunji entered and loudly shouted “Aha!” with an accusing finger pointing at the two of us.  
I looked at her, sadness exploding in my chest when I realized that my prediction were true; she was one of them, the ones that tried to find any sort of illogical reason to expose us. I held up my hands in a ‘what the hell’ motion, and her smile of triumph quickly faltered when she looked between us; Hongjoong, seriously pissed off at her action and me, looking behind me, a bit distressed that the whole waiting room watched the scene play out.  
“Some privacy, please?” He asked with a voice drenched with poison and Eunji bit her lip, embarrassed with her bad timing, nodded and then closed the door again.  
I pinched the bridge of my nose, inhaled sharply and tried to shake off the awkward feeling that tensed my body as I continued to handle Hongjoong his clothes, frustrated that I couldn’t reach out to hold him and he took the garment, flustered with anger. Sorrow stung my heart as I cursed the woman I’d called my friend for the past eight months.  
..  
Almost an hour later and Hongjoong was released from make-up. The members had started to film a log and I stood alone at my end of the waiting room, a cup of coffee in one hand with the other crossed over my chest, holding onto the arm that held the cup and I leaned back against a snack table, zoning out slightly, not thinking about anything in particular. Staff were running around, and I had nothing to do for the next fifteen minutes until rehearsal started. Usually I was more than happy to help but since the whole act earlier, I felt reluctant to even reach out my hand.  
Hongjoong had been next to me, dressed in the ‘Illusion’ stage clothes and playing a game on his phone when he suddenly exited it with a sigh, locked said phone, placed it in the back pocket of his pants and said “Come” He was discreet, not even looking up to meet my eyes before he beelined across the room and disappeared out the corridor beside me. His hands in the pockets of the large red coat, quick steps and he regularly looked back to make sure that I followed. We walked down a few corridors, almost to the other side of the building and I heard how we closed in on the Atiny that stood outside in the warm morning. He took a sharp left turn and I choked on a gasp when he suddenly pulled me into a room, slammed the door shut, locked it and then turned to look at me. I swallowed, leaned back against a table, luckily placed my cup of coffee there as well as my heart beat hard in my chest and he took two quick steps forward, placed his arms around me and embraced me with all his might.  
“I’ve missed you” He sighed as he took a deep breath, inhaling the smell of me in the crook of my neck. I hummed in agreement and felt in my heart how much I’d missed him as well, even though we’d basically glued to the hip since early morning, we had to put on an act, pretending not to know each other as well as we did. Pretending that we didn’t want to be as intimate as we actually preferred and I breathed in the scent of him as well with a smile on my lips. He separated us slightly, to look at me, an almost pained expression on his face when he cupped my face and gently stroked his thumb over my cheek,  
“I missed you too. I missed not being able to touch you earlier. It broke my heart, seeing your face when Eunji-nim entered the door” I said, a wrinkle between my brows but he shook his head,  
“I’m fine… It’s just” He trailed off, not sure what he wanted to say and I nodded, holding onto him, our bodies flushed together from our bellies to our thighs but it didn’t feel sexual at all, this was just the two of us connecting with one another and I felt my heart squeeze when I looked at him. I never thought any style would look better than the cowboy and mullet combination, but this new concept certainly did him justice. They would do three performances, the first one being Illusion and though the pirate theme still held on strongly, this style was more fairy tale-y. Like the lost boys of Neverland and my train of thoughts paused on a memory from my childhood. I couldn’t have been more than ten and me and my siblings sat huddled around my mom in hers and dad’s bed, reading a fantasy bedtime story about a boy who didn’t want to grow up.  
“I never thought I’d fall in love with Peter Pan again” I said, breathlessly, lost in his eyes and speaking my thoughts aloud before I could stop myself. Hongjoong looked at me, first confused as if he questioned in his mind if he’d heard right and I felt my cheeks flush from the sudden confession.  
“Peter Pan?” He asked and I hoped that the confusion was just him not recognizing the story title so I nodded slowly, my eyes averted from his and shook his head, a confused frown on his face, “And wait… fall in love?” I glanced at him again, my heart pounding as he let me go slightly, head cocked to the side and he looked at me, puzzled for a few seconds before his mouth fell open and he connected two and two.  
My heart dropped like a boulder to the pit of my stomach and I swallowed hard when I realised what I’d done. It really was no turning back from this point, I couldn’t take back the words I just said, and I looked down again, cursing myself as I held my gaze locked at our shoes, ashamed that I’d let the words slip my lips faster than I realized. I didn’t trust my voice and just nodded again, feeling more and more like I was going to get sick with the anxious ball of fear that grew inside me.  
“You’re in love with me?” He asked and I met his eyes again as a reflex of surprise, startled by the lack of disgust in his voice and he looked back, amazed. Surprise and yearning behind those beautiful soft eyes of his and I wrinkled my brows, completely perplexed. I’d been so sure that his need and want for me was purely for my physical self, he’d expressed that he cared for me but all and all I’d thought that I wasn’t more than that. A body to lust for, to cuddle when he felt like he couldn’t go to anyone else. Me being the only one that could hold him when the other members had received the very last ounce of energy he had to give. I’d never expected…  
“Are you in love with me, noona?” He asked again, voice a bit louder but it wavered slightly from doubt, and I inhaled sharply, closed my eyes, expressed something between a frown and a grimace and squeezed out a small, “Yes” behind tight lips, terrified that he’d let me go completely and just walk away. But he didn’t and I opened my eyes again to see him looking at me, a grin on his lips and the brown eyes that I loved so much were so full of wonder and devotion that I could feel my eyes tearing up.  
“I’m sorry, but I’ve waited long enough for this moment” He said, and I barely had time to catch my breath before he cupped my face and finally, _finally_, pressed his lips against mine. I flinched from the unexpected feeling but didn’t waste a second when I realised what was happening. It felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest when I buried my fingers into his soft hair, like I’d done so many times before, except this time was _different_, and I didn’t care that I messed up the hard work the styling noonas had done when his lips moved against mine. A bubbly feeling, like fizzing champagne spread through my bloodstream, ecstatic chaos blinded my mind as my heart sang _'yes, yes, yes'_ and I let out a small gasp between our lips at his heated appetite for me, flushing my body against his, and he arched my body backwards slightly in his desperate need for more. His voice when he softly cried out a moan into the kiss and eager hands pressed onto my body made me breathless. Fingers hooking into the belt loops of my jean shorts and my fingers travelled over his back, down his sides and the fire that had crackled alight in my chest when his lips first pressed onto mine, was now a wildfire, the blazing flames licked hungrily at my heart and it felt like I was burning. I took a shaky breath against his lips, feeling dizzy with overwhelming emotions as his tongue flicked out to taste mine and a surprised gasp left my lips when he suddenly hoisted me up against the table I leaned against. He seperated my legs softly by taking a step between them and I invited him, didn’t waste a second as I wrapped my legs around his waist and his kisses became more and more heated, fingers flickering over the buttons of my shirt and I was ready to let him take me right there on the table if it wasn’t for the fact that our suddenly aggressive actions spilled out my cup of coffee and I quickly broke the kiss to jump off again, for once not having any spare clothes with me and Hongjoong gave me a disappointed look until he saw what had happened and he let out a small chuckle, combing his fingers through his hair. We grabbed some tissue paper from a stack at the edge of the table, the room was most likely used for staff to get away and peacefully have lunch or a snack in, and looked around but a trash bin didn’t seemed to be placed in this particular room.  
“We have to go back anyway” I said and he nodded, a blush on his cheeks and he gave me a bright smile before he leaned down to place one last peck on my lips.  
I walked a few steps in front of him so that it would be less obvious that we’d been away together and no one batted an eye until precious, sweet Jongho seemed to teleport out of nowhere just as Hongjoong spotted a trash bin, and I just walked past when he raised up the camera.  
“How are you feeling?” He asked and Hongjoong paused, a surprised ‘Oh’ fell from his lips just as he threw away the coffee stained tissue.  
“My feelings? Hongjoong replied and I could see how flustered he immediately became, our kiss probably replaying in his mind, his eyes flicked from me to his left as he held onto his belt buckle hard, probably nervous that the result of our heated moment would be evidence on the camera, “What is this interview?” He muttered but Jongho didn’t seem to mind.  
“What did you throw away in the bin?” He asked instead and Hongjoong’s smile faltered for a second or two,  
“Ah, well… some tissue I wiped with after having coffee” He answered and I scoffed out a small laugh as the lie fell from his lips.  
“Did you recycle well?” Jongho asked and his hyung chuckled softly,  
“Yes, I did well. It’s just general waste” His eyes flicked to me again, like he begged me to get him out of the situation but Jongho seemed to be satisfied with the interview anyway, said thanks and hurried off to disturb the next member.  
..  
Thirty minutes later and I’m helping Hongjoong wipe off sweat that had collected on his forehead. Rehearsal had been going on for the past twenty and I sighed, half proud and half annoyed when the members yelled out, “Again” for the fifth time. They had perfected the stage, they knew that, the staff knew that, the tech guys knew that but no one said a word as they prepared the song again. I fixed Hongjoong’s shirt with quick hands and he gave me a soft smile, sweat had collected on his chin and I pressed the tissue paper I had there as well.  
“Thank you, noona” He said and winked at me and I only gave him a soft smile before I hurried off the stage again just as the music started.  
..  
The show started and I cheered them on together with Atiny while they did 'Illusion', clapping my hands happily when they received screams as the song ended and high fived the members when they walked off the stage and back into the dressing rooms. Hongjoong smacked his lips as he looked at mine when I held forward the next change of clothes, and I avoided his eyes, my heart skipping a beat as he reached out for them, his heated skin burning mine as he brushed against me and I met his dark eyes as we froze. Adrenaline still pumping in his veins from the first comeback stage and I could feel my face flush red as I reached for him again, needing his body against mine like a hunger I couldn’t satisfy when he looked at me the way he did. I was two seconds from physically jumping him when a knock on the door send me back to reality and I took a step back instead just as Eunji peeked through the door,  
“Two minutes” She said and looked from me to Hongjoong with disappointed eyes when she realized the distance between us. Frowning, like she’d woken up that morning, determined to suddenly make it her life’s mission to catch us red handed and was now failing it.  
“Just because you are the head styling noona doesn’t mean that I have an endless patience for your checkups” Hongjoong said and gave her a meaningful look. Her eyebrows raised in surprise, too cocky for her own good for a few seconds before she froze, mouth open and completely stunned. Like she just now realized, with his words echoed between us, that the member she was watching was the leader of the clients that employed her.  
She bowed deeply in apology and closed the door behind her and I looked back at Hongjoong, more affected with his authority than I wanted to admit, and tried to hold back the feeling of getting immensely and uncontrollably turned on. He sighed, met my eyes and I sucked my lower lip into my mouth, chewed softly on it and he paused, his brows raised as he rolled his eyes, a smirk tugging on his lips,  
“Don’t look at me like that babe, we don’t have the time”  
..  
Lunch passed and Hongjoong ate quickly, eyes flickering, legs bounced and he seemed lost in thought up until it was time for the wardrobe change.  
“I’m nervous” He said cautiously, voice almost a whisper and I nodded,  
“I’ve noticed” I said, a soft smile on my lips as I handled him the clothes and he stripped off, eyes lost in the distance,  
“What if they won’t like it?” He asked, and his worried eyes met mine,  
“They will” I assured, patting his chest gently, hoping that my touch could calm the racing heart underneath my fingertips. I knew that he was talking about Aurora. The song he’d worked on for the past months, written and re-written the lyrics, composed and recorded himself and I was so proud over his achievement that my heart swelled with warmth.  
“But-”  
“They’re Atiny. Not some bigger than big corporation that are going to tear it apart, criticise it and only use the parts they want. They will like it, because you’re the one who made it” I said and he nodded, reassured by my well placed words as he I helped him with the buttons of his shirt.  
I’d been right, naturally and his great smile when they stepped off the stage, their fans complimenting him for doing a good job and promising him that they loved it, made tears swell over in my eyes.


	9. That washed out tee of his

Out of all the songs on the new album, Aurora was my favourite. Not because I was biased since Hongjoong had poured his heart and soul, tears and sleepless nights into it. Perfecting it, over and over and over again until he was happy with the result… Well ok, maybe that was the main reason why. But the other reason was simple. It was a song for his first love; Atiny. The fans that sometimes travelled across the world to watch and cheer on the boys. Supporting them through thick and thin, even though they didn’t know them personally. It fascinated me. The amount of love and respect they had was out of this world. There was some bad eggs in the bunch, obviously, which fandom didn’t have its share of toxic people? But Aurora was for the real ones, the loyal ones.  
It was a Wednesday morning, the day after their comeback. The Seoul weather was mild, comfortable, cloudy but not on the verge of rain and the whole day was dedicated to filming. Me and Hongjoong had discussed his main outfit previously and I only nodded approvingly when I picked the boys up in a company owned van at their dorm just as the sun went up.  
“I’m impressed” I said, and he winked at me while taking his usual place just behind me,  
“What can I say, my artistic talent and your eye for design. Boom” He placed his chin in his open hands in a ‘flowering pose’ and San snorted out a chuckle underneath his breath while Seonghwa looked at him with a wrinkle between his brows, repelled by the action with an expression only he could pull off.  
The first location was a bridge over the Han river and the boys were immediately sent to make-up, before they were ready to record the ‘looking emotionally into the distance so that Atiny can swoon over our visuals’ part. Hongjoong and Wooyoung stood as number three on the list and the younger of the two sprint away to latch himself on San’s side as soon as they were finished, telling him in a singly voice that he looked so good with his cool clothes, expressing the most impressive aegyo I’d seen all week and I chuckled slightly when San gave him a look of confusion, puzzled by the action but loving the attention, sticking out his tongue at him teasingly.  
“How do you feel?” Hongjoong reached out to touch my arm in an innocent and friendly gesture, wary of the amount of people around us, both from the company and complete strangers who just happened to walk by on the bridge.  
“I’m fine?” I answered, thoughtful as I met his cautious eyes, but it sounded more like a question and he took a step closer to me, whispering.  
“You don’t regret yesterday?” He asked and I furrowed my eyebrows,  
“No, why would I”  
“I dunno. I just hoped that the enticement between us hasn't changed now when you’d gotten a taste of me” He shrugged, a bit unsure and I shook my head, sad that he was feeling so insecure about himself, “I’m glad… sorry that I act weird” He frowned, “I didn’t sleep well last night, kept dreaming about you. That you changed your mind after our kiss, telling me that you hated me, quitting the company and that I never saw you again… I kept waking up, reaching out and expecting you to be there. But you weren’t… and the feeling was so real that I feared you’d never show up this morning”  
I fought to keep my face natural but after him dropping a bomb like that, but it was hard, and I clenched my jaw as I fought the need to reach out for him. To hold him tight and kiss him until the feeling of dread in his chest would go away completely. I reached out to fix his clothes instead, aligning the collars of both shirts and pulling on his necklace softly to drop it down lower on his chest, simply to make it an excuse to touch him and his breath hitched softly when he felt my touch, as if he expected not to feel anything at all,  
“I’m not going anywhere. I wish that we’d be alone at this moment so that I could show you how much I mean it” I said, my gaze fixated on the leaf shaped pendant in my hands and he placed his hands in his pockets to prevent himself from reaching out towards me, like he’d do if we’d be alone. We sighed at the same time, deep and mellow and I refused to meet his longing eyes and the sweet smile I saw in my peripheral, not knowing what I’d do if I did.  
..  
I watched him an hour later when he read the script for the day, the schedule, the routine, what times we were going to eat, the new locations etc. talking to the camera that would follow them throughout the day, a female director, (not the one from the other day at the ‘Dazed’ photoshoot, thankfully) was filming and I sighed happily when Hongjoong nodded and smiled with approval, bright and amazingly beautiful, talking about the process behind his reformed shirt before San came to join him and the subject changed to the 'Power Rangers' in a heartbeat, flowing in a way that a conversation could only move forward when you really knew each other.  
They did the choreo for the song, wrapped it up nicely and then we headed off into the forest for the second location. Everything was already set up with some tech guys there preparing and working the camera angles and my eyes widened to the beautiful setting. A green large meadow opened up in the foliage and the whole group, both staff and members held their breaths when Hongjoong paused, pursed his lips to think for a moment before he nodded with a content smile and everyone went back to their business.  
“I’d love to go to spend a day in a place like this with you” He whispered a few minutes later, standing close enough for only me to hear but still far enough away to not draw too much attention to us,  
“Why?” I asked, knowing that he didn’t enjoy sharing his space with creatures that had more than four legs for any longer amount of time than necessary.  
“We’d be all alone, we could do anything we wanted, maybe even spend the night and watch the stars, nothing else on our minds than each other. No one would bother us. Trying to separate us. No one would care, because they wouldn’t know”  
My heart flipped happily in my chest, cheeks flushed pink from the wonderful picture he painted, and he winked at me when he was called over to get a small retouch before they started filming again.  
..  
“Is it supposed to be like this” Hongjoong asked as I buttoned up his clothes a few hours later.  
We stood away from the others, in a portable changing room that the staff had raised up before our arrival. It was a tight squeeze with only one square meter to move on, but we didn’t mind, revelled in the fact that we could stand closer than we’d been able to do all morning.  
“Yeah, you all wear basically the same clothes… you don’t like it?” I asked and bit my lip, unsure if I’d taken the right direction, actually questioned myself if I knew him well enough for the first time in months, since it had been my final decision that made the hammer hit the gavel when it came to the style that’d been picked.  
“No, I love it. It’s perfect for the vibe I wanted. It’s just so…” He raised his arms over his head as I sighed with relief, and if it wouldn’t be for the white shirt underneath, his whole chest would be showing, “Sexy?” before giving me an unsure smile and I nodded, a smug expression on my face,  
“I know, I wanted to give Atiny a treat” I said while shrugging and he blinked fast, as if he couldn’t believe what I was saying,  
“You’re willing to share me just like that?” He asked, trying to sound serious and a bit hurt but I heard on his tone that he was only teasing me, so I scrunch my nose at him while doing the finishing touches,  
“Yes, I am… but only as long as you share my bed, and no one else’s”  
“Wouldn’t dream of it baby” He said and gently cupped my face and my breath hitched with surprise as he pressed his lips on mine in a sweet peck, only brushing against them really, to make it as silent as he could to avert suspicion but it still made my heart race. He kept the position, even after his lips left mine with his hands on my face, longer than necessary, just watching me. Like he never wanted to part from my side, like every moment away from me hurt his soul. Or at least I hoped it was the case, because that’s what I felt.  
“I’m glad you’re here with me. You’re a part of this, of Aurora as well” He said and I looked away, flustered as he placed me on the pedestal I’d reserved for him, “You know…” his hands traced down to lock around my waist instead, “Atiny is my aurora, but you…” He swallowed and pressed a gentle kiss on my forehead and the knot in my stomach when he talked to me like he did right now, twisted and turned and I gulped when he kissed the same place again, stalling a little, “You… you are my light… and while the aurora makes its appearance sometimes, and it’s intense and breathtakingly beautiful... you… you’re my stars. So bright, especially when I'm with you and always there, in my sky, even if I can’t see you. Always showing me the path in my darkness, as soon as the aurora goes away”  
-  
20th of June and tears streamed down my face when the host shouted out Ateez. Hongjoong made eye contact with me for a split second where he knew I stood, at his right a few meters away from the stage together with some more staff and I smiled through the tears, clapping my hands happily as they received the trophy for their first win.  
..  
Hours later and we sat on the sofa at the boys’ dorm. Still in disbelief of what had happened that evening. They had done a vlive as soon as they got back to the company, thanking the staff, friends and family but we still didn’t seem to realize what had happened. I’d offered to take them home when it was time, subsequently writing myself up as responsible to get them back to the company the following morning.  
It was late, the clock was nearing midnight and I knew that I should go back home and sleep but had a hard time separating myself from Hongjoong’s side as we mindlessly watched a programme on TV, cuddling with the air conditioner like a white noise in the background. San and Wooyoung sat there as well, but at the other end of the sofa, huddled together almost as close as us and the thought of them having something special between themselves, something similar to what Hongjoong and I had crossed my mind, like it had done so many times before. They were focused on their phones, scrolling down on twitter and fan cafés, giggling and showing each other posts about the evening's event and I glanced over at them with a smile before I looked at the clock that rested heavily on my wrist and the smile that’d lingered faltered as I sighed, letting go off Hongjoong’s hand and he looked up on me with surprised eyes as I stood up and stretched.  
“Don’t go” He said, halfway between a plea and an order while he reached out his hand towards me again and I paused, a sad smile tensed my jaw, and I furrowed my brows at his longing eyes, a pout on his lips and feet resting on the floor, ready to run after me if I walked away.  
“I have to, I need to be up early to make sure that you’re all up and ready in time for tomorrow's schedule” I said and bit my lower lip, already dreading the coldness of my home, even if it was the middle of summer.  
“Then stay?” He suggested and stood up as well, taking one hand in his and placing the other on my lower back.  
I could feel the boys’ eyes on us, silently watching, and I looked over at them just as San reached for the popcorn on the table, like he got ready to watch an epic drama. I gave him a short, disapproving look but he only stuck out his tongue before stuffing his mouth full, some of the popcorn fell back and Wooyoung looked from him to the bowl, a wrinkle between his brows before he looked away again, a mix between disgust and amusement on his face as he shook his head, too used to San’s proneness of being a sloppy eater. I sighed and focused my gaze on mine and Hongjoong’s clasped hands instead, fighting off the feeling to melt into the touch of his hand against my back. He was so comfortingly warm against me, and the familiarity of his body made me sigh. A silent war of logical reasoning tried to fight some sort of sense into my head… but my feelings for him, my need to keep him close, made my mind go dangerously blank. My brain kept pushing on the fact that I should go home. Deal with the accessories that needed to be mended, go over the schedule for tomorrow again, just to be sure and fully prepared but it was a war that were lost within seconds as the recklessness of my heart won.  
“Ok” I said, still a bit hesitant but Hongjoong smiled bright, nose scrunching before he softly cupped my face and pressed his lips against mine, happily kissing me and taking my breath away. My heart skipped as I immediately melted to putty into his touch, closing my arms around his midriff, my eyelids fluttering shut and the feeling of him pressing up to me, flushing his body against mine hard, arching my back slightly in his hunger for me made my breath hitch, still not used to this new development in intimacy, even though it’s been a few days and I quickly realized that I wasn’t the only one when a loud scream erupted from the sofa.  
“Are you two fucking kidding me, when did this happen?” Wooyoung asked, his eyes wide as saucers and it looked like he was ready to jump out of his own skin from excitement.  
“A few days ago” Hongjoong said after breaking the kiss and looked at me with eyes so full of love that I had to break our gaze, getting almost shy from the intensity he showered me with.  
San had been quiet so far and I watched nervously when he nodded to everything that just happened, stood up and walked up to us with slow but determined steps, his face neutral and I braced myself as Hongjoong let me go. But the fist that I had counted on, was an open hand, pressed onto Hongjoong’s back as San placed his arms around him in a bear hug, lifting him off the ground slightly and I could hear a hushed, “Congratulations… you better treat her right” Being whispered before they let each other go and Hongjoong nodded, and held out his pinky to wrap around San’s, a promise I knew he’d keep silently being uttered between them. The feud finally settled after months of slow but steady healing and I wet my lips, feeling how my heart swelled as they gave each other a big smile.  
My eyes flicked to the TV, the programme we’d watched had ended and I stifled a yawn behind my hand, suddenly feeling how tired I really was. Hongjoong gave me a smile, placed his hand on my back again and didn’t have to ask to know that it was time for bed. We said goodnight before he led me to the room he shared with Seonghwa, who was seated in his bed at the right and looked up from the game he was playing, eye brows raised with curiosity as his eyes flicked between us to out laced fingers and he sighed, took out his headphones, unplugged his charger, grabbed his pillow and said with an impressively calm voice, “If you fuck on my bed, I’ll rip your spine out of your mouth”  
“Noted” Hongjoong answered with a smirk and closed and locked the bedroom door after his hyung before he went over to his wardrobe and pulled out a washed-out tee, which he handled to me.  
“I have clothes with me, Joongie” I said, talking about my usual prepared bag of a change of clothes and hygiene articles but he smiled sweetly,  
“Yeah, for tomorrow… but you do you. I’d prefer it if you slept naked too” He made a motion as if he was going to put it back and I quickly held out my hand, and he gave me the shirt, snickering slightly under his breath to my sudden resolution.  
I grabbed the hem of my shirt, expecting him to turn around but he didn’t, and I cocked my head to the side, my eyebrows rising but he stood his ground.  
“Hey, I’m just as curious as you” He said and I could feel my cheeks burn as I rolled my eyes and turned around instead, pulled my shirt over my head and bit my lip as he let out a soft gasp which turned into a whiny exhale as I unhooked my bra as well, let my clothes fall to the floor and fought the need to cover up as a soft breeze from the small open window at my right made my skin prickle and nipples harden.  
“You’re beautiful. You know, that right?” He asked and I quickly cupped my boobs anyway when he took two steps towards me, reached out and left ripples across my skin where his fingertips softly caressed down my right shoulder, followed the line of my spine until both hands rested comfortably around my waist and he flushed his chest against my back. I swallowed hard and he placed a butterfly light kiss on the nape of my neck, making me shudder and the hair in my neck stand up. His left hand gently stroked up my side, between my boobs, over my breastbone to my throat and he tilted my head back, to rest on his shoulder, fingers pressing against the skin under my chin and a surprised gasp escaped my lips from his controlling behaviour. The kisses continued over my neck and he nibbled gently on the sensitive flesh over the big artery there, my pulse picking up right next to it and he cursed under his breath, softly bucking his hips into my ass and I gulped, my heart skipped a beat and my stomach did somersaults when I felt his cock prodding against me through his sweats.  
“You can feel what you’re doing to me, huh? How much you’re turning me on?” He gasped, slightly out of breath as he inhaled sharply, like he’d held it as he touched me, but I couldn’t answer, my voice lost to the feeling of arousal pooling between my legs.  
One hand travelled down to stroke over the curve of my ass and I pushed back onto his touch, wantonly. Needing, _craving_ more of him. He nudged me forward slightly, towards his bed, bending me over the mattress and I choked on my breath when he bucked his hips forward, into me again.  
“Do you trust me?” He asked, so sweet and innocent, like his cock wasn’t pressed between my asscheeks that I swallowed nervously and choked forth a small,  
“I do” Before his hands were on me again, sweetly gripping my waist, hooked his fingers under the lining of my gym shorts before pulling them off and I felt exposed when I stepped out of them, dressed in only my panties now and with my ass in the air. Hongjoongs eager hands touching me, fingers slipping into the lining of my underwear as if he wanted to pull them off as well but stopped himself from doing so, flushing his chest against me again instead, placed kisses over my naked back and I shuddered against him, letting go of my boobs as I didn’t need to shield them from his eyes anymore when he pushed me down harder, almost sandwiched me between him and the bed and I panted against his sheets, sharply inhaling the mixed smell of him and washing detergent and my mind clouded over as his fingers brushed over my clothed cunt with butterfly light touches.  
“God, babe. You’re dripping wet” He moaned and I whined out something incoherent, too far gone within my own lust to make any sense, “I need you, need _something_, please” He begged, respecting the boundaries that I’d set up but still in need of the release that had begun to hurt us both.  
“Fuck my thighs” I choked out, and Hongjoong paused, unsure if he’d heard correct, my sudden forwardness surprised him and I tried to make a point as I raised myself up slightly and pushed my thighs back against him, making him slip between my them slightly and a growl erupted from his lips as he took control again. My heart hammered hard in my ears as I heard how the fabric of his clothes rustled when they hit the floor and I buried my face in my arms, refusing to get a glimpse of his naked body and spoil myself of the sweet surprise. He spit in his hand and the slick sound of him as he closed his hand over his cock, a low moan escaped his lips between hard panting, had my legs quivering and I inhaled sharply, feeling how my eyes rolled back when he separated my thighs with a gentle hand, fingertips wet from saliva and pre-cum and my breath hitched when he brushed against my cunt again, his deep loud groan made me clench around nothing and I swallowed hard as he spread our fluids between my thighs.  
“Are you sure?” He asked again and I could only nod, gasping as I finally felt his unclothed cock burry between my slick thighs, pushing them apart slightly from the size.  
I’d been dreaming about this for months now, fantasizing about how he would feel against my body, completely naked, the girth of his cock, the length, based only on what I’d felt when he woke up, pressed against me, softly dry humping my leg or the contour of it in his tight pants when he got a boner as I dressed him. Nothing could prepare me for the real deal though and I cried softly into his sheets as he reached forward to lace our hands together, his cock sliding in and out between my thighs hard and fast and my eyes rolled back as I clenched around nothing again, imagining how good it would feel when he would finally be inside me, stretching and filling me up completely.  
“Fuck baby, you feel so good” Hongjoong cried out and nibbled hard on my skin, marking me with red blooming flowers, rutted against me with no plan on stopping and I fell forward slightly from his hard thrusts, landing flat down on my stomach instead, but he didn’t stop. Quite the opposite, and I gasped as he pressed his body weight against me, his hips bouncing off my ass and teasing the lips of my clothed cunt.  
“Touch yourself baby, I need you to come undone before me” He gasped out, voice throaty and I imagined that his head had fallen back, eyes closed as he revelled in the feeling of us together. I comply without a word, and he lifted himself slightly so that I could slide my arm underneath me and I almost flinched when I felt the movement of his cock pushing in and out between my thighs as I pressed down on my clit, circling around it and Hongjoong moaned when I helplessly clenched my thighs together as pleasure shot through my body.  
“Do that again” He cried and rested his head against my shoulder, his hot breath made me shudder as I pressed down hard on my clit and clenched my thighs again, gasping as he shuddered against me and I felt that he was close. The thrusting irregular and his breath uneven and I slid my other arm underneath my body as well, to join my already wet fingers, moved my panties to the side to slip two fingers inside me, moaning to the feeling and Hongjoong stopped his movements suddenly, panting hard, “Sorry” He choked out and breathed for a couple of seconds before he began to move again, much, much slower than before, “I don’t want to come just yet” He whispered and pressed a soft kiss against my shoulder blade. I inhaled sharply, supporting my body on my chest and the side of my face as he leaned down, over me to capture my lips, holding the kiss for a few seconds and the moment that had been so hungry for release turned sweet and loving as he placed his hands on my waist, pushing my body back to meet his thrusts.  
“Come for me baby, and clench hard. I wanna cum on you” He whispered and I cried out softly as I worked my fingers faster, pressed them up against that sweet spot inside of me and he growled, leaned back and began pounding against me, his cock gliding between my pre-cum slicked thighs without restrain, and I bit back a loud moan, imagining how wet and nasty it would finally be when that pre-cum would rest happily between my walls as he slid in and out of me instead. I was on the edge, on the very verge of falling over when Hongjoong leaned down to press a kiss between my shoulder blades, “Fuck, you feel so good against me babe, so warm and wet. I love you… I love you so much” He exhaled, hands gripped my hips harder and his voice so full of affection that I felt tears forming in my eyes as I came over my fingers, gushing the wetness of my cum down the sides of my thighs and a guttural moan escaped his lips as he followed, thighs tensing up as he pressed himself as close as he could against me and the wet feeling of cum spreading over my lower stomach as he came hard, riding out his orgasm with a deep exhale, made me sigh hard and I slumped against him. Warmth spreading through my body.  
“I love you too” I whispered against the mattress and he pressed a sweet kiss on my cheek.  
“I know. I’ve known since you began looking at me differently after we got home from Saipan” He said while walking off and I heard rustling from tissue paper and clothes as he cleaned himself up before changing clothes and my heart beat hard in my ears.  
“How?” I asked and quickly covered my chest as he gently turned me over to lie on my back instead, a soft, “Oh” escaping his lips and I opened my eyes.  
He’d put on new underwear, just as I’d guessed, but his chest were still naked, and I bit my lips as I watched his post-orgasm face. Eyes hooded and glazed over, sheen sweat on his template and glistened his body, cock still half hard, twitching happily as he looked down on me and the mess he’d created on my stomach and I averted my gaze, cheeks burning from the diabolical fire in his dark eyes. I inadvertently kneaded my boobs in my hands, a bit uncomfortable, feeling bare under his gaze and his head tilted to the side from the sight, hand reached out to touch the wetness between my thighs where I laid, legs rested off the bed and I couldn’t help but clench them together slightly, still too sensitive. He groaned, deeply and closed his eyes. An ongoing war in his mind as he fought the craving to just spread my legs and bury himself in the hot wetness between them.  
“I can’t, I just…” He sighed, voice cracking and I knew what he meant, feeling the burn of desire working up my body again as well again.  
“Look away” I said, and he inhaled sharply before he closed his eyes and I scrambled with the shirt he’d given me, pulled it over my head to cover myself up and inhaled deeply, smelling his cologne on the neckline of it. Never wanted the feeling of him around me to stop. Hongjoong surrounded my senses, making me swallow hard as he gripped my thigh harder after opening his eyes again and seeing his shirt on my body. The need to dominate ruled his system and I motioned for him to come closer as I scooted up, placing my head on his pillow instead and he followed, enclosing my body with his as he towered over me on all fours. He sighed, brows wrinkling, and he placed his hand on my cheek as he leaned down to taste my lips again.  
“I love you, I love you, I love you” He said in a mantra, kissing my lips between the words and I choked as he took my breath away with every press of his lips upon mine. My heart beating hard, and I wet my lips, tasting him and swallowed as he laid down, pressing his body weight on me, softly bucking his hips against my heat and I bit down a moan as I separated my legs further, the soles of my feet on the bed and I could feel my blood boiling as he humped against me, thrusting his once again clothed hard cock against my wetness.  
“I need to feel you” He choked out and I nodded, closed my legs around his waist and pressed him closer, the tip of his cock pushed against my entrance as he dipped in, the fabric of my panties stopping him from going much further than half a centimetre or so but it was enough to send him into a frenzy. He pushed his hand into his underwear and I bit back a cry as his facial expression fell when he closed his hand around himself, so far gone already that he immediately started to thrust against me again, using his hand for the part that didn’t reached inside me and I slip my hand between us to circle around my clit again. The obscene sound of slick wet skin against each other as we moaned quickly got me drunk and my lips found his again, meeting his tongue halfway as it flicked out to taste me. His appetite out of this world and I groaned when he pushed his body against mine, making me writhe and my head to fall back against the pillow. The stretch from the head of his cock against my burning heat made me blind with wanton need and I thrusted back against him, falling from the edge before I even realized I was standing at it, still sensitive from my previous orgasm and he gasped as my face contorted and I squeezed around him, eyes falling back in my skull and his hand closed around my throat, nibbling at my lower lip possessively,  
"You're mine baby, just mine" He growled and I took a shaky inhale behind his enclosed fingers, swallowed with some difficulty, “My body, my noona, only mine” He continued, black eyes meeting mine, as he snapped his hips against my body, eyelids heavy and his tongue between his teeth, biting down in concentration. Head tilted to the side and watching me with dark intensity, like he didn't want to miss a thing I was doing. Just as lost in my eyes as I was in his, loving the expression I was doing as my oversensitivity made my body writhe under his, wanting to escape the burn between my legs but loving the feeling of him against me. I placed my hand on his chest, feeling how hard his heart pounded underneath the ribcage and swallowed deep, my heart sang with his and he quickly fell as well, buried his face in the crook of my neck when he did so. Sinking his teeth into the flesh of my skin and I whined with satisfaction when I felt his cum coating the outside of my already wet panties. We breathed together for a few seconds before he sat back up, cursed loudly, jumped up and basically threw tissue paper at me.  
“What are you doing?” I asked, sat up to lean on my elbows, feeling drunkenly sleepy from our session and he walked on wobbly knees, pressing the tissues into my hand.  
“I almost came in you, clean up, hurry” He said, voice panicky and I looked at his stressed out expression for a few seconds before my clouded mind realized what he was talking about and I fell back on the bed again, rubbed my eyes and a small giggle fell from my lips, “Stop laughing, this is serious. I’m not ready to be a dad at all” He cried out and slipped his fingers underneath the lining on my panties, but I stopped him quickly and waved a hand in front of me to try and calm him down.  
“I’m on the pill, darling. It’s fine. You’re not gonna be a dad and even though I wouldn’t be on birth control. I’d take the measurements needed to not get pregnant before this would’ve happened. Some tissue paper is not going to stop any sperm to keep on swimming” I said, and his face changed from worry and concern to hurt and confusion.  
“What do you mean you’re on the pill?” He asked and sat down on the bed next to my resting body, pouting and I realized that he must think that I slept with others as well since the first sexual thing we’d done, when we were so close that our bodies touched, happened a little less than two months ago and so far, he hadn’t even been close to cumming near my cunt until well, now.  
“Don’t misunderstand, darling. You’re the only one for me. I’ve said that so many times, and that’s the truth. I love you” I reassured, “I’ve taken the pill since I started having sex... it’s more than a birth control for me. It’s more than that for many women” I said, and his upset face softened as he pursed his lips at me, puzzled at this new dose of information and I smiled at his sweet unawareness. Still not used to the fact that he was born 98, years after me and in November non the less, technically not even twenty-one yet. Not old enough to drink in many countries and I frowned as a disruptive feeling laid over me like a heavy suffocating blanket.  
“I’m sorry” I said and sat up, flinching slightly at the feeling of dried up cum on my tummy and he looked at me, his frown mirroring my own as he laced our fingers together, gave my hand a squeeze, sucked on the inside of his cheek and looked up on me from long lashes.  
“Why?” He asked and I looked away, swallowed hard, and shook my head, embarrassed to speak my mind.  
“Darling… you’re a leader, a father in all ways but physical, with qualities of someone that knows what they’re doing and sometimes I just fail to remember your age”  
“Are you calling me naïve?” He asked and coiled back, slightly offended but I shook my head again,  
“No no, the very opposite. You’re so mature and… I dunno… I just wanna tell you that I’m sorry. Sometimes it feels like I’m…” I trailed off but he still picked up where I left off,  
“What, like you’re using me?” He asked with a chuckle and I shrugged, a pout on my lips, “I think we can both agree on who’s being used in this situation, noona” He said, a bright smile still tugging on his lips as he went back to using formal honorifics in a heartbeat, more to mock me because of the topic than actually being polite and I sighed at his antics. Knowing fully well in my heart, just as him, that he’d been the one holding the strings, playing with me like a puppet and pushing me further and further towards the edge until I finally fell, unable to stay in my own lane anymore, just as deep into him as he was into me. The both of us welcoming the development of whatever happened between us, as time went on.  
“You’re still young though” I added softly, “I just…” I sighed and clenched the fist that wasn’t holding Hongjoong’s, “I just don’t want you to regret the decision to be with me. I understand that your job is your life and I feel the same about mine. It’s not something you’d back away from just because you’re in love. It’s your life’s blood and your livelihood and I…” I inhaled sharply and met his eyes again, “I need you to be sure because I won’t be able to handle a no from you. Not after everything we’ve been through. Not after the purgatory we will be forced to go through when this relationship is finally uncovered, be it by media or the company”  
He nodded and said a simple, “You’re right. I’m not ready to risk anything” and my heart fell in my chest, but he quickly picked it up again when he placed a hand under my chin and forced me to meet his gaze again, “But neither are you. We’re going to go through this, everything that will happen, together. Just like we’d done so far. When I met you, so many months ago, I’d never expect to sit here with you, afterglow clouding my senses and you sitting here in front of me in my cum stained shirt, looking like a wet dream and more gorgeous than I could ever imagine… and I’ve imagined, a lot” I chuckled when he punctuated the last words extra hard, feeling how my heart fluttered at his sweet words as I squeezed his hand in mine.


	10. That light green dress shirt of his

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter is named after this: https://publish.twitter.com/?query=https%3A%2F%2Ftwitter.com%2Fminihong1107%2Fstatus%2F1158276358021079040&widget=Tweet  
Cr. MINIhONg  
(the one and only, who has saved me from so much trouble trying to keep this timeline together)

MBC Idol Radio and shivers ran down my spine when I watched Hongjoong dance on the small monitor that showed a live recording from the show. Chewing anxiously on my lower lip from his swagger in Pirate King, tongue flicking out between those soft, soft lips. Feeling himself in both Treasure and Say my name, dropping his body in that way only he could do in HALA HALA and going from cheerful to sultry in less than a second in Illusion. His duality was a gift and my heart happily skipped a beat when he looked into the camera, his chin resting in his hands like an open flower when the medley was over and I shook my head, still finding his stage presence unbelievable.  
..  
His body on mine afterwards, pressing me up against the wall of a locked dressing room, his hands on my hips and his lips upon mine, kissing me like it’s the last thing he’ll ever do. Taking my breath away with each gasping pant that left his throat. Cursing as his hands travel over my hips to my ass, palming it and raising my body up slightly so I could put my leg over his hip as he bucked against my heat. A hushed, “You look so good, which I could just take you right here against the wall” and “Can’t wait to be inside of you” slipped past lips wet with saliva, between sloppy kissing and choked moans, his breath hitched and he flinched slightly as my hands untucked his shirt and came to rest on his stomach, “Your hands are cold” He whispered with a soft smile and I immediately removed them, breaking the kiss in embarrassment.  
“Sorry, I’ve been too far away from you for too long” I whispered back, and he chuckled while gently placing my hands back on his body.  
“Don’t say cheesy things like that when I want to bury my face between your legs”

…….

July the 2d. Hongjoong's warm hand rested in mine under our shared blanket as he snoozed into the pillow on the flight. Gripping it tight, as if he’s worried that I’d let him go, even in his sleep. A pout on his lips that I desperately wanted to kiss away. I reached forward, not being able to stop myself and he flinched slightly from surprise before he unconsciously leaned into my touch as I brushed his fringe out of his eyes. A sigh leaving my lips when the pout got replaced by a soft smile, my name on his lips as he whispered it quietly into the silence.  
-  
New York. A room in a hotel I’d already forgotten the name off. Hongjoong’s red hair against crisp white sheets when we woke up. His sweet kisses and nibbles on the soft skin in the nape of my neck.  
His chuckle when I flinched away, sensitive and ticklish in the early morning.  
..  
Fox News, and the feeling of pride I got when he made eye contact with me at the side of the audience, only for a second or so, like he needed my encouragement, and then the bright smile that followed as he looked away just after I did a quick thumbs up at his English, supporting the large steps he’d taken these past couple of months.  
..  
Soho streets a few hours later and his fingers brushed against mine as I walked beside him, trying not to check him out too much. But my eyes flicked over and over again as I switched between enjoying what I saw and undressing him with my eyes. Cursing my mind at his amazing looks. Knowing that it was my own fault entirely since I was the one who’d dressed him. The members walked in front of us and I was on the verge of begging them to cause a distraction so I could call a taxi and take us far, far away and just disappear from everything. Disappear from the fans that rushed up to them as we walked, pushing me aside with their bodies to take a photograph and send me a look over their shoulders with squinted angry eyes and curled up lips, wondering what **I** was doing there with **them**. To the clenched jaw of Hongjoong’s manager as he watched the fans, watched me and then took a hurried step forward to separate me and Hongjoong just as the they dissolved around us again, quick on his feet to make sure that our relationship wouldn’t look intimate until we were alone again.  
A feeling of cruel unfairness bloomed up in my chest like a flower uncurling it’s petals and my breath hitched when Hongjoong looked over at me again, as soon as the fans had rounded a corner and his manager paused in his step to let us walk together again. The corners of his soft lips tugging upwards, the red of his fringe bopping as he combed his fingers through it before he let his arm fall back against his side again and brushed his fingers against the palm of my hand, brows raised and the smile turned into a smirk. As if he couldn’t help himself when he observed me, noticing the familiar fire of jelousy and arousal in my eyes that he’d gotten used to by now. The tickle I felt between my legs when he checked me out as well, head slightly tilted and eyes full of admiration as if he wanted to prove to me that he was mine. His gaze lingered from my naked thighs in the short dress to my bouncing boobs as we walked with quick steps, tongue flicking out to lick his lower lip into his mouth, chewing softly on it before he made eye contact with me again, eyes so dark I could see myself mirroring in them.  
-  
Two days later and we stood on the pier of Empire Fulton Ferry Park. Another version of Aurora was recorded, and I stood at the side, a good twenty meters away from them, ready to jump in and fix up their clothes if I had too. Watching the boys enchanting the audience around them and I smiled with pride as a roaring applause erupted when they finished. We ate lunch before going to the next location, and I sat next to Hongjoong, enjoying the feeling of his body against mine as we ate. He stole glances of me when he thought I didn’t see, chewed his food slowly while his eyes flicked to the front of my dress, close enough to me that he could see down my cleavage, only stopping when he met his managers angry eyes, warning him that he was going to cross the line very soon.  
They did their individual photoshoots and my heart skipped as Hongjoong flirted with the camera, his tongue flicking out, soft deep bedroom eyes and I repressed the need to clench my legs together when he made eye contact with me as soon as the camera director yelled “Cut!” keeping that lethal smile on his lips and winked at me with a promise for later.  
-  
KCON, NY and I gulped hard when the members came down from the stage after basically turning the event to a twenty-minute-long concert. Hongjoong pulled at his clothes, a desperate look on his face, fast hard breathing, seemingly not caring when a button popped as he ripped the shirt open and I yelled out a “Hey” as I ran after it when it hit the ground and began rolling away. He looked up at me, sighed and wet his lips, guilt in his eyes when I flicked my wrist and hit him in the chest with an open hand. Not hard but still enough to make him realize my annoyance.  
“Sorry” He said, voice hoarse from screaming, regret making it even deeper and didn’t break our gaze as he took a small stack of tissue paper from someone in the staff. I didn’t notice who either, too focused on the man in front of me. I shook my head, rolled my eyes and then reached out, cursing under my breath and sighed deeply through my nose with my jaw clenched as I stepped behind him and helped peeling off the shirt from his body. His chest glistened and drops of sweat dripped from his chin, collecting with the ones that were already there, running over dark nipples and strong muscles and I averted my eyes, swallowed hard as my stomach did somersaults from the sight, even though I'd seen him so many times by now, and I gulped hard when he combed his fingers through his hair, stretched his lean body out and I bit down hard on my tongue to supress a sigh.  
“I’ll fix it… It’s no problem” I muttered and tore my eyes away just as he smiled, a fan chilling his heated face now and he thanked the staff who pushed a water bottle into his hand,  
“I know, you always do… and oh, by the way, can you help unbutton my pants as well? Pretty please” He begged with puppy eyes and a pout on his lips, as if he didn’t enjoy the way I rolled my eyes at his request, and the sweet smile turned fatal, dangerously aggravating.  
I felt like protesting for a few seconds, still annoyed with his reckless behaviour but changed my mind, turned the situation into revenge instead and he gasped with surprise at my bold move as I closed the space between us with one quick step without hesitation. Placed my hands on the front of his pants, pushing my fingers inside the lining of them without hesitation, made sure to keep the eye contact as I smiled sweetly, my head tilted and brows raised as if I challenged him not to react to my touch. Biting back a giggle when his stomach clenched as my fingers traced the naked skin there. Popped the button, pressed a little harder than necessary against his crotch when I pulled down the zipper before I patted his chest with a smile. Indulged in the rewarding enjoyment of his racing heart underneath my fingertips when I was done.  
-  
Saturday the 13th and Hongjoong held into me like I was the only reason he could breathe, sobbing into my chest, cursing over and over again at the unfair situation. We sat on my bed, back from the doctor’s appointment and he had held it together until he basically fell into my arms when I closed my front door behind us.  
“I don’t understand why you’re so sad, darling. You look just as handsome as ever” I tried to reassure him and he looked up at me, lips red and swollen from biting hard onto them and the edges of his eyes a similar colour, tears still falling from them and it broke my heart to see him like this. Unable to do anything since he’d already made up his mind.  
“But I’ll make so many Atiny worry about me. Do I really have to?” He asked and I nodded, sighed and then hooked the string around his ears, securing the eyepatch over his infected eye.  
“... It kinda goes with the pirate theme though” I said and smiled again, while brushing his hair to the side with a gentle touch.  
He sat up slightly. Turned to see himself in the mirror hanging at the side of my closet and his frown softened a little, “I guess… but…” he sighed,  
“No buts, come here” I said and reached out my hand to place around him as he laid down again, head resting in my lap, curled up like a cat around me and I wiped the tears on his cheeks away with my thumb.  
“I love you” He said while he looked up at me and I swallowed hard from the sight of him. So very unlike his usual self, vulnerable, weak from exhaustion from the long day, almost frustrated that he couldn't split himself in two the same moment he woke up and saw the red infection of a stye. Nothing dangerous at all but it still had to be protected from make-up and environmental stress.  
“I love you, too” I said and cupped his face softly before I leaned down to press my lips against his, tasting the salty traces of tears on them.  
-  
The following ten days passed quickly. Fan signs and promotional stages filled our days and there was barely a time to pause and breathe, much less to properly feel when we worked together, finished off each other's sentences and danced around each other when putting on the stage clothes, stealing a chaste kiss when we were alone, sending longing looks when we weren’t and whispered words of promises for later whenever we stood close enough. Innocent touches among the sea of staff and hungry hands grasping each other’s bodies, tearing at each other’s clothes in a hurry just to feel skin against skin when we had more than half an hour of free time. Recharging our batteries with the touch from the other as we moved together, mutually masturbating or kissed until we couldn’t breathe instead of laying down and rest. Keeping the promise to gift ourselves when the promotion was over.  
-  
It was the 26th and the day before Ateez first proper concert in Korea since the middle of March. They were nervous, all week had been dedicated to rehearsing steps and singing the songs they already knew so well, just to be sure, more to calm their nervous hearts with the familiarity of their own music than actually practising.  
They were going to perform their entire discography and Seonghwa chuckled nervously, “Oh I thought it would only be a few but that’s a lot”  
I bit my lip at his words as I looked over at him from where I stood, below the stage and only two or three meters away. Felt my heart skip as a mother hen feeling blossomed in my chest when I gave him a worried look, knowing that he’d been hurting lately but refused to rest. Contemplated it for a few seconds but finally decided to not say anything, afraid that he’d only crawl further into his shell of determination and not talk to me at all about how his body hurt from exhaustion, but how he didn’t want to stop, how he didn’t want to fail anyone. I sighed and looked away, tried to block the worried feeling that still spread through my bloodstream like a wildfire; over the fact that management was pushing them too far, and over the fact that no one batted an eye except for the members when Seonghwa sighed heavy from the pain he knew he was going to have afterwards. I bit my lip, sighed as well and hoped, prayed again that Hongjoong was right every time he’d assured me, over and over again that this is what they wanted, that the journey to the top wasn’t going to be an easy one and the prize in the end was going to be worth it. I hoped immensely that he was right.  
I exhaled with a pout on my lips, pushed the negative thoughts out of my head and forced my focus on the boys again as they joked around, a bit bored since I was finished with today’s main tasks, preferring to do the rest in the comfort of my office than in a big hall with several other people. Hiding from Eunji at the place I felt most comfortable, my fingers tapping on the stage where I stood, the edge slightly higher than chest level for me and Hongjoong had joined me, crouching within close distance, near enough for me to squeeze his outstretched hand before they started rehearsing the first song.  
It went well, I was sitting down after three songs, taking care of the precious time to rest my legs and enjoyed the sight of Hongjoong in front of me, with his rolled up sleeves and the faint red hair, untouched by any kind of beauty products and in his element, the music he’d written rolling off his tongue and putting everything he had into the choreo. Eyes and smile dangerous, changing from angel to demon in less than two seconds.  
-  
“You’re done” I said after tying the scarf around his neck and barely had time to react before he caught my lips. A surprised gasp escaped my mouth and I quickly broke the kiss again, swallowed hard and send a worried gaze towards the open door of the dressing room. Mingi, Yunho and Yeosang sat on the sofa a few meters away from us but none batted an eye to our display of affection, used to our intimate touches by now.  
“Sorry” Hongjoong whispered under his breath and stroked down my cheek with a butterfly soft touch, a look of disbelief in his eyes when he watched me with eyes that radiated with desire and devotion as he kept me close, one hand still on my cheek and the other found my hand, squeezed it gently .  
“It’s… fine” A thoughtful wrinkle showed up between my brows and I smiled softly back at him, still scared that someone would come in and see the position we were in but tried to push that thought back as I wondered where this sudden sentiment passion came from. But I didn’t have to wonder for long since he seemed to have read my mind, like so many times before.  
“This is the last one, the last fan sign” He swallowed, and eyes flicked from mine to my lips and the realization made my stomach flip, “You’ll be mine. For real” He continued, voice so quiet that I could barely hear him but the thought that this was it, promotion would be over, we’d stop in Japan for a couple of days but the 6th of August was free, mostly to bounce back and rest before going to Australia, and the fact that it was only a little over a week until then was slowly killing me. My need for him so strong it shook my heart.  
..  
An hour later and they’d cleared away the tables, a promise of new choreo and Utopia made everyone clap their hands in excitement. Hongjoong’s teasing smile at me next to the emergency exit at his left as he did that lethal part of the performance with two fingers tracing down his frame just as he snapped his hips in a body roll. I forced myself not to move a muscle, the atmosphere around us dangerous and he looked away just as quickly, knowing exactly why I couldn’t show a reaction; there were too many people, fan sites especially, who’d caught up on every small trace their idol did. But I knew that his heart hammered just as fast as mine when he kept the smile, knowing how intensely I followed his every move, even though he didn’t need to look at me again.  
-  
The next day passed quickly as I looked down at my watch every other minute;  
8:15 and Hongjoongs hand rested in mine when the plane took off, his tongue wet his lips and furiously chewed the gum I’d handled to him to equalize the pressure in his ears.  
8:42 and his fingers rested happily between my closed thighs instead, our laced fingers kept him from pushing them further down and he stuck his tongue out at me when he tickled me.  
9:08 and he’s leaning against me, head resting on my shoulder as we watch a movie together.  
9:22 and San shoved Hongjoong slightly as a warning when a stewardess was nearing our seats and he separates himself from my neck, having placed soft kisses and shamelessly teased me there with cute nuzzles, his nose tickling the sensitive flesh under my skin for the past minutes.  
9:44 and he’s bored, fingers combing through his hair for the twentieth time and I’m stretching, blinking as tears form in my eyes from exhaustion and stiffness in my joints.  
9:52 and the boredom had turned him horny as he watched me more than he watched the movie, twining a lock of my hair between his fingers, caressing a soft finger down my jaw and I gave him an irritated look, there was only so much I could do in a perfectly lit environment where we were literally stuck in our seats, “Stop it” I said with a hushed voice but he only shook his head, his whole body turned towards me to block out the sight of us for the passengers on the three seats on the other side of the walkway, “Darling, we’re gonna land in literally twenty minutes, so just be a good boy and don’t pop a boner because I swear if you do, fan sites will go crazy and I have enough stress as it is not to think about how good it would look in those pants” I said between clenched teeth.  
11:04 and I lay on my back in the hotel room, stripped to my underwear and Hongjoong’s kisses on my neck made me squirm underneath him. My hands on his chest, feeling his heartbeat hard underneath my fingertips, “I want you babe, I want you so much it hurts, please… Just tell me what I can do” He cried out against my skin, rutting his body against mine in hard slow thrusts, as if he wanted to disappear within me completely. I sighed, tears burning in my eyes from arousal as I beg him to just watch as I touch myself, wanting desperately to wait until a time when we don’t have to rush, even though that wish became harder and harder to fulfil.  
11:33 and long ribbons of cum covered my clothed boobs as he came with a pained expression, a silent scream on his lips and I refuse to look down, still. Wanting my first time seeing all of him be the time just before he entered me.

…….

I wish I could say that I had the whole trip perfectly planned but for the first time in my career, I could feel myself falling behind. I kept thinking about the past as the 6th of August closed in. I thought of Hongjoong and me, our relationship. The excitement and longing for what waited as soon as we got home and how that excitement changed to dread when I realized that the thing that I’d been fighting against for over six months was going to happen and with that, our relationship was going to change as well. I wasn’t religious but I always believed that gifting yourself to someone in that way was a special thing. The wonderful feeling when you were fully connected to a person and you felt that in your heart- was the moment when you were as close as you could get to euphoria, in my opinion. No matter if you were female, male or the grayscale in between, sex was usually wonderful and I, personally wanted it to be sweet and loving. But with the continuous pushing of management to monitor anything and everything that happened between us, Hongjoong’s touches and his approaches to make me feel, soon made my stomach clench with worry rather than happiness.  
It felt like I was losing my mind, slipping more and into delusion with every passing day. Arguably, it wasn’t that bad, more like small occurrences that constantly happened; I overslept and missed breakfast one day for example, almost missed an important accessory just before Hongjoong went out on stage on another day, handled him the wrong combination of clothes and just generally felt like my mind was scattered. It was still so unlike me, though, that Hongjoong soon became worried.  
“Are you ok, noona?” He asked just before an interview on the 5th and I only nodded, unable to meet his eyes.  
He asked me once again, later, when we were alone. Resting with his head in my lap as we watched the sunset from the hotel balcony and I sipped on some iced tea, my other hand interlaced with his, resting comfortably on his chest.  
“Do you regret it?” He asked suddenly and looked up at me.  
“Regret what?” I reluctantly met his eyes, feeling my heart skip a beat, ashamed of the cold way I’d treated him these last days.  
He bit his tongue and sat up, clenching the edge of the sofa we sat on with his hands as he looked down on his feet. Clenched his jaw and sighed, before he reluctantly continued, “Regret that I kissed you, regret that we’d taken a big step in our relationship… I dunno, regret that you said you loved me?” He was hurt, a wrinkle between his brows and I looked away as I sighed, pain shooting through my heart like I’d been hit with a blunt arrowhead.  
“I don’t regret it. I don’t regret anything. I just think… that I’m nervous” I said, and he rustled slightly, looked at me with his head tilted, brows furrowed as raised his hands in a confused motion.  
“Why? There is nothing to be nervous about” He asked, a bit too loud and I looked around me, anxiously, to make sure that no one heard, my eyes flickering to the balconies on either sides of ours, knowing that staff lived in those rooms, “That’s it” He said, stood up, took my hand and pulled me with him, and I stumbled slightly as I placed my drink on a nearby table. He closed the balcony door behind us and pushed me down gently to sit on the bed, “I don’t care if someone hears what we say to each other, I don’t care if someone knows about our relationship. I don’t care about what they think. I want you, baby. I need you in my life. I love you. I thought you loved me too?”  
“I do, why would you say something like that?” I asked and stood up, forcing him to take a step back, angry that he doubted my devotion to him, and he sighed and wet his lips,  
“Then why have you been so cold towards me? I’ve tried to approach you so many times, maybe I’ve been spoiled for months now, but I miss your lips on mine and your hands on my body” He pouted and I shook my head, my heart hammering in my chest and I swallowed, before I exhaled hard through my nose, feeling like the frustrations that had been simmering in my body the last couple of days finally boiled over and I reacted like an erupting volcano of feelings, fists clenched and eyes tearing up.  
“I’m scared, ok!” I shouted and Hongjoong took a step back, recoiled with surprise at my sudden burst of emotion, “I’m scared that this, us, will disappear and that I’ll lose you after we’ll sleep together. That management will find out because we get more and more comfortable around each other. It’s just a matter of time until one of us break out of character and kiss the other in the waiting room, surrounded by people, or just after a well-executed stage or something similar and then I have to say goodbye to everything I’ve worked for, I have to say goodbye to the members who I’ve come to think of as my family and I have to say goodbye to you” I broke down, not able to even catch my breath before I felt tears swam over in my eyes and rapidly fell down my cheeks, the drops splashed against the floor as I felt how my body trembled with grief, “I love you. I love you so much it hurt but this, what we have is a lost cause. It can never be like we both want it to be, we can’t get together, not officially at least, not without causing a scandal and potentially get us both kicked from the company. We can never go on a date, never be a normal couple as long as we have the jobs we have. Don’t you understand that? We’re bound to fail” I said, voice shaking as I sobbed and Hongjoong was taken aback, both from my crying and my harsh words and he gulped hard, as if the rose coloured shimmer of infatuation that had covered his sight so far, completely vanished and he slumped slightly, like the realization had just punched him in the stomach before he sat down at the desk on the other side of my room, sighed deeply and I felt my heart broke when he nodded silently. It looked like his heart was breaking as well when he rubbed his face, slowly and I angrily wiped my cheeks as I took a shaky breath, feeling empty and fatigued, completely drained from energy.


	11. That black headband of his

“I talked with him yesterday” Seonghwa stood next to me the following day, speaking up, without looking at me and only loud enough so that I heard him as we stood a bit to the side. I’d noticed him when he’d came to stand beside me a few minutes earlier but his words were still completely out of the blue and I looked over at him for a few seconds in surprise while we waited for the signal to start walking out of the airport, knowing that he talked about Hongjoong without even asking. I wet my lips as my gaze rested on the faint red soft mess of hair a few steps in front of us, a headband over his forehead and eyes watching the ground as he swayed back and forth slightly, deep in thought with headphones in his ears.  
“He loves you; you know…” The eldest hyung continued and I nodded, my lips pursed as I looked away again from the man who held my heart, “And he doesn’t say those words lightly, barely says them to us at all but he couldn’t stop himself from rambling it over and over when we talked. He’s hurt… you are his first true love after all, his love for music excluded” I met Seonghwa’s eyes quickly, feeling my cheeks burn and he gave me a sad smile, “You need to solve this, leave us at the dorm as soon as we get back and take him to his real home, not necessary your apartment- but to you, with you, where his heart is. You deserve to be happy noona, you both do” He looked away and sighed as the queue started to move and my heart squeezed with the anxious weight of his words as we walked and then jumped into the cars that waited on the other side.  
..  
My own car was parked exactly where I left it, in the parking space connected with the boys’ dorm. I reached out my hand and took a hold of Hongjoongs jacket, just as he was about to join the others and he gave me a confused look, taking out the headphones for the first time since we’d sat down in the airplane in Japan,  
“Come with me” I begged, and he looked down where my hand gripped the black fabric before he looked back at his hyung who raised his brows, urging him without using any words that he should do as I asked. Hongjoong scoffed slightly but didn’t argue as he took his seat next to me, like he’d done so many times before and I drove us to my apartment in silence, parked, walked up the stairs and unlocked my front door, unable to get rid of the heavy feeling I had in my throat, like I’d swallowed an uneven boulder and it had gotten stuck in my throat, slashing up and wounding my insides, tears of defeat collected in the corners of my eyes as we entered and I locked behind me like I always did.  
“This is it then?” I asked, taking a shaky breath, almost chuckling in disbelief of how much had changed these last days as I watched my feet, standing frozen on the tiles in my hallway after I’d taken off my shoes. It was like we were strangers again and Hongjoong sighed as he rolled his eyes, hooked my arm with his and I looked at him with confusion as we entered my bedroom and sat me down on the bed,  
“Lie down” He said simply but I didn’t comply, sick of the way he’d been ordering me around since the day I started working with him, and even though it had mostly been out of love, teasing and joking around in the past, I couldn’t take it right now. I just didn’t have the energy.  
“I don’t know if you’re flirting or trying to start a fight, but I don’t want to. We need to talk and I’m tired of you acting like this whenever you meet some sort of obstacle in your life. You just turn off completely, not talking to me, not talking to your members. I want to solve this thing between us, I want us to be how we’ve always been” I begged, and he sat down next to me instead, rubbed his eyes, tiredly.  
“Well, you kinda fucked that up when you basically said that my love for you is a lost cause” He said and clicked his tongue, jaw clenching as he fiddled with his clothes.  
I pinched the bridge of my nose and felt myself losing it again. I didn’t think of myself as an aggressive person. I’d never actually hit someone, but I’d definitely had a flash of a violent thought here and there and this was one of those moments. I clenched my fist and felt my entire body tense up for a second as furious anger boiled in my system again.  
“I’m sorry I let you down then, Joong” I fought to keep my voice calm, but it still cracked as I tried to swallow down the tears that threatened to make an appearance, “I’m sorry that I fell for your amazing charm, your perfect fucking body, the way only you could make me smile in the darkest, loneliest moments in my miserable life ever since we started working together. I’m so, so fucking sorry that I actually had the audacity to hope that you felt the same and then get overjoyed when you actually did, and it works, the sweet kisses, the way we only touch ourselves to get off. For now. But we both want more, right? And how do you think that will work out? How could you ever expect that I, a normal girl to ever, _ever_ get away with dating you? _Huh_? How do you expect that? Do you really, _really_ think that Ateez will have a chance to properly break through the market in any part of the world if the leader of the group is dating his stylist? I’m employed by the same company as you and you’re my client, it’s just morally wrong in the eyes of so many and a scandal you’ll never be able to break free from…” I cried, sobbing as I tried my hardest not to raise my voice at him and he wet his lips when I finished, swallowed hard and then nodded,  
“Then don’t” He said and my heart broke into a million pieces, and I audibly choked on my breath, croaked forth a, “What?” between broken sobs, tears falling uncontrollably from my cheeks and I felt sick from anxiety, his lack of reaction to my sorrow made me want to puke.  
“Just quit, stop coming up with the fucked-up reason that you are company owned. Freelance and I’ll pay you out of my own pocket” He said, jaw tensed and I looked at him confused, “I’m the reason why we’re in the situation after all” He continued, dangerously calm, almost seeming older than me with his logical and calculated words instead of hysterical crying and I felt a hinge of embarrassment as I wiped my tears, “I’m the one who should be sorry” He shrugged, “I’m the one who has been pushing you, both mentally tormenting you with my naughty words in inappropriate situations and pressing up on you when you might not have wanted me so close, pursuing you even after you’ve begged me to stop… I’ve been rude to you in difficult situations, jealous, envious of the people that own your friendship as well. Like a green-eyed monster, greedy and selfish and wanting you all to myself. Hell… I almost thought about quitting the company because the whole feud between San and me seemed so never ending that I just wanted to run away, scared that I’d do something I’d regret if he ever came close to you again ” He sighed and shook his head to the memories he talked about, eyes on his clasped hands in his lap, “I can stop completely, If you want to. Talking about San, he’s still interested to have you as his stylist, if you’d have him instead. I can step down; I can stop tormenting you”  
My lips were on his in a heartbeat, making him shut up just after he finished his sentence and my heart sang with happiness when he gasped in surprise as I tackled him on the bed, making him lie down on his back while straddling his lower belly. My hands quickly found their familiar spot in his hair and I pulled on it hard, causing him to inhale sharply in surprise before he met my lips again.  
“Babe, I…” He tried to talk between the wet sloppy kisses but I didn’t let him, tired of feeling distraught, tired of feeling like I was shattered into a thousand pieces, desperately just needed to be mended back together with his body against mine.  
“I love you” I said and he smiled against my lips, the first smile of that day and I inhaled sharply as he repeated my words, his hands on my hips, right where they belonged and I paused, broke the kiss and sat back up slightly,  
“Say it again” I asked and gulped as I watched him, lips a bit swollen from my sudden attack, hair tousled from my yearning fingers and chest heaving underneath me, looking up on me with the corners of his lips upwards in that wonderful smile he seemed to save only for me. I still found it hard to believe that he was actually real sometimes, not only willing to put his hands on me in the ways I craved but loving the feeling of my skin against his just as much as I did. Brows furrowed, like my touch was burning him when I moved a strand of hair from his forehead, before I removed the headband completely and let his hair spill out like an auburn aura around his head against my cream coloured sheets.  
“I love you” He repeated again, and I inhaled sharply, taking his words to my heart, the tips of my fingers caressed down his face to his cheek, following the edge of his chin, down his neck and the quick beating of his pulse,  
“Again” I demanded and indulged in the way he took a controlled breath when I unzipped the shirt he wore, revealing an oversized tank-top before my hands splayed on his chest instead,  
“I love you” He placed a hand on my cheek, and I leaned into it, my eyes still locked with his.  
“Again” I whispered now, so deeply lost in his eyes that I felt the world around us disappear. Seeing myself mirrored in the darkness of them.  
“I love you” He replied and smiled, giving me a tender look before he leaned me down to place a soft kiss on my lips, holding me there for a few seconds longer, sighing contently through his nose and my hands reflectively buried in his soft hair again, feeling the silky strands ripple between my fingers as I took a shaky breath. The hand that cupped my cheek travelled back to grab a handful of hair in my neck as he deepened the kiss, as if he couldn’t help but let out the side of him that needed more, opened his mouth to taste my lips, tongue meeting mine halfway as I kissed back with the same heated intensity, knowing how he worked by now. What he craved and how I could give it to him, my body moving against his, flushing my chest against him as if I wanted to sink into him, disappear within him, and I separated my legs further, rolled my jeans covered heat against his hard stomach and he groaned deep at my demanding desire, the sound resonated within my soul and I shuddered slightly as a ripple of desire went through my body. His hand moved again, stroking down my sides until they came to cup my butt and he squeezed hard before he pushed my body further down to nudge against his cock and I swallowed hard when I felt that he was already rock hard, his appetite for me so large that I found it hard to breathe, a gasp left my lips when the sweet smile of his turned lethal with greedy hunger and I couldn’t help but clench my thighs over his hips, excitement pounding in my entire body.  
“What do you have in mind?” I groaned and he licked his lips, eyes hooded, and my heart skipped as they tugged up in a smirk.  
“Hopefully the same as you” He said and I bit my lower lip and nodded, my blood boiling hot as he rolled us around and I choked on my breath when my back hit the bed and he sat back up on his knees, digging his toes into the bed for support and pulled of his blazer, the shirt he had under and then finally the tank-top with swift motions, watching me with glazed over eyes as I bit down on my tongue, my stomach clenching hard. I swallowed, almost nervously as he carefully placed his glasses on my bedside table. My eyes never left his body as he towered over me, eyes so dark that the sweet brown I was used to only showed up as a thin line, face already flushed with lust as he leaned down again, shuddering slightly, like he was nervous as well, when his fingers hooked under the edge of my shirt. He met my eyes underneath his lashes, as if he was unsure that I still was ok, but I nodded and the reassured feeling it gave him, lit a flame in his eyes as he pulled my shirt over my head before his attention turned to the shorts I was wearing. His fingers trembled slightly when he unbuttoned them, and I placed my hand over his to still the motion. He looked up again, scared that I’d tell him to stop,  
“We don’t have to rush” I said softly, stroking over his knuckles comfortingly but he just shook his head, licked his lower lip into his mouth and gave me another breath-taking smirk,  
“Believe me baby, I won’t rush, but I’ve been waiting for so long, my want isn’t just a want anymore, it’s a craving and I’m planning to give in completely”  
My cheeks flushed slightly as his well-placed words made my stomach do somersaults and I looked away as he pulled the shorts down over my ankles and threw them aside, almost downright shy when he leaned back on his feet again, watching me with hooded eyes as I unhooked my bra in the back. I fought the feeling of wanting to cover up as I threw the garment to the side. My cheeks burning red now as his mouth fell open and a wrinkle appeared between his brows, eyes teary with lust as a shaky inhale left his lips. My hands continued down to my panties and he closed his mouth and swallowed, reaching out to place his hands on mine to stop my movements,  
“No, please. Let me” He begged and I paused before I nodded shortly, flinched a little out of excitement as he hooked his fingers at the lining and pulled down, captivatingly slow and I gasped when he finally saw me naked, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he gulped, taking in the sight of me for the first time.  
“You’re gorgeous. Fuck, I’ve imagined this moment… imagined you, so many times but this is…” He reached out to carefully separate my legs and I clenched my eyes shut, wanting to hide my face in embarrassment when he cursed loudly at my wetness.  
“Open your eyes, please. I need you to see how badly I want you” He said, voice low and husky, hands squeezing around my thighs and I opened my eyes again, reluctantly and bit down on my lip as I met his eyes, that beautiful pink flush on his cheeks and sweat already collecting on the roots of the baby hairs in his forehead.  
“I love you” He said again, and my heart ached for him. How could I ever doubt myself when it came to him? How could I ever doubt that I wanted to give myself completely to him?  
“I need you” I managed to say, and he wet his lips, his eyes soften, and a smile tugged on them,  
“And you’ll have me, for as long as you want” He said back and I reached out for him, placed my hand on his cheek, bringing his lips to mine, not able to stop myself from tasting him again, like his lips was a wine and I wanted nothing else but to get drunk.  
He kissed me back with vigour, before he placed hungry nibbles underneath my chin and down my neck. Paused for just a few seconds to unbutton his own pants, pulling them down and threw them on the floor to join the rest of our clothes before his lips were on mine again, and he peppered my body with kisses, his lips soft on my skin as he went lower and lower, kissed the swell of my breast and my fingers buried in the red of his hair when he sucked a sensitive nub into his mouth, nibbling slightly on it with his front teeth, meeting my eyes behind dark long lashes and I moaned, writhed underneath him while he went over the other, repeating the action and I hooked my leg around his waist, needed to feel all of him as he made sparks of pleasure shoot through my body. He growled, low and guttural and bucked his hips into me, the tip of his clothed cock prodded my entrance and I clenched around nothing, so wet and bothered that it actually began to hurt. Almost thankful when he left my boobs to continue downward, feeling like my head was among the clouds when he pressed lithe kisses over my ribs, down my stomach and I sat up slightly to lean on my elbows, choked on my breath when his hands came to rest on my thighs and he looked up, face centimetres from my cunt.  
“This is the last chance to tell me to stop, because I fear that I won’t be able to, once I get a taste of you”  
“Don’t stop, please, don’t stop at all” I shook my head fast and he chuckled lightly before closing his eyes and flicked out his tongue, planting it flat over the lips of my cunt before he licked carefully at the slit and I could feel him inhaling with difficulty as he swallowed. Moaning and sending vibrations through my body at the taste, _my taste_ and my surprised gasp spurred him on as he repeated the action before he carefully sucked my clit into his mouth. I was a mess within seconds, my head falling back as I buried my fingers into his hair, pulled on it softly while gasping between hard gasps. The feeling of him, eating me out like it’s the last thing he’d ever do, was better than anything I’d ever dreamed of and only God knew how much I’d actually been dreaming, hoping that the moment would become reality one day and I inhaled sharply as his hands gripped my thighs hard, pushing me down harder on his face, the grip of his fingers almost bruised my skin but I didn’t care, only embraced the feeling as he pushed his nose against my pubic bone. His tongue slipped into my entrance to lick up my juices and I swallowed hard, as his hot shaky exhales send ripples down my spine.  
“Please, darling I…” I choked forth and he paused, came up between my legs again to meet my eyes, chin wet and eyes dark and he licked his lips, like he’d just had a great meal, gulped when he met my eyes, ready to listen to my every command,  
“Yes?” He asked, and I swallowed, mouth dry as I was fighting to remember how to speak.  
“I need…”  
“More?” He asked, eyebrows raised and I nod, my head falling back against the bed when he chuckled lightly, lovingly at my need for him before he let go of my right thigh and I cursed loudly when a finger entered me, eyes rolling back in my skull and a breathy moan escaped my throat,  
“Fuck babe, you’re so wet, I just slid right into you” Hongjoong said, wonder in his eyes and voice and I just let out a whiny response, not able to think clearly as he pumped his finger carefully a few times before he let another join and I gripped his arm hard, my breathing hitched as he curled them and tickled that sweet spot inside of me. He paused for a second, scared that he’d hurt me from my sudden jolt, but I shook my head,  
“Don’t stop” I could only choke forth, feeling a bit pathetic with the fact that I was so far gone already.  
But he didn’t seem to mind, seeming proud that he’d put me in the state I was as he sighed and I could hear on his exhale that he smiled when I clenched around his fingers as he leaned down to press his tongue back on my cunt, still with his fingers deep inside me, crying out as my back arched off the bed from the combination of his licking and those devilish fingers working up a quicker pace inside me. I opened my eyes and realised my mistake the same moment I did so, meeting his eyes, seated between my legs like he was the only one ever meant to be there, his red hair tickled the inside of my thighs and I involuntarily clenched around him again, feeling myself standing at the edge faster than I wished.  
“Stop, I’m gonna come”  
“Then come baby” He groaned against me, but I refused and scooted back away from him, having other plans in mind.  
He actually groaned with disappointment as his fingers slid out of me again and I swallowed hard from the sound of it before I opened my eyes again, panting as I came down from the mountain I’d been climbing before I motioned for him to change place with me without using any words.  
“I… I want to give you some as well, just don’t… don’t move” I said, my voice unsteady and he gulped as I Ieaned down over him, his back on the bed now with his head against the pillows and I swallowed as excitement made my heart hammer hard in my ears and hands tremble slightly. I reached forward, seated between his legs and let my fingertips touch him through his underwear, a surprised gasp leaving his lips as he watched me, his hard cock leaking with pre-cum and my fingers travelled over the underside of his length before I cupped my hand over the head, feeling him twitch against my palm as he melted to putty at my touch, and my other hand soon joined to squeeze softly along the shaft. I rubbed softly along the bulging vein on the underside again, my touch a bit harder now and he twitched again, stomach clenching and I could feel how badly he just wanted to thrust into my hand, but he held back, doing as I wished and just stayed still. My eyes flicked from what I was doing, to his face as he bit his lip, cursed under his breath when I spread the wetness of pre-cum over the fabric, making the spot bigger and bigger.  
“Please” He begged finally, chest constricted and heaving hard from controlled breaths, lips pink from biting hard onto them and body flushed from arousal and I bit my own lip to stop a moan from escaping as I comply with his wishes and pulled down the underwear with one swift movement. It felt like I wanted to cry when I finally saw him, his cock large and heavy as it flopped back against his stomach, turned upward towards his belly button as soon as it sprung free. The tip an angry purplish red from my teasing and I inhaled sharply as it twitched happily when Hongjoong noticed my enticed stare.  
“Touch me, please” He begged, licking his dry lips and my eyes lingered on his for a few seconds, his hooded and pleading and I nodded, gulped hard as I felt arousal tick between my legs like an angry bomb, wanting nothing else than just give in and straddle his hips. But I promised myself to make this first time special. I wrapped my hand around him properly, finally, and watched with hooded eyes as Hongjoong’s closed, a deep moan left his lips as his head fell back against the pillows, his back arching slightly to thrust up into my hand, impatiently needy and not able to stop himself and I choked on my breath as I tugged on his length. Dipped my thumb into the slit and he writhed underneath my touch, my name falling from his lips like a mantra, begging me for more. I wanted to praise him for being so good, just laid there, thighs shuddering as he took every shot and ripple of pleasure that ran through his body from my touch and I swallowed down the nervous feeling, never really enjoyed being the one so much in control when it came to sex. But something within this moment just screamed at me to take, to claim his craving for release and restrain it.  
“Darling?” I say as I loosen my grip slightly,  
“Uhu” He managed to answer, breathy pants escaping his lips,  
“Am I doing good?”  
He swallowed, rolled his eyes slightly, like he couldn’t believe what I was asking before he met my eyes again and bit his tongue, an encouraging nod made his hair whip and I smiled as I closed my hand harder around his cock again, beads of pre-cum coated my fingers.  
“Can I taste you?” I asked, my heart thumped hard in my chest and he whined out a “Please, fuck baby, don’t even ask”  
I flicked out my tongue without another word, and I gave the head of his cock a kitten lick, finally salvaging his taste before I took the head into my mouth, let my jaw fall open and he cried out, twisting my sheets underneath him as I took him as far down as I could, choking slightly at the size and he buried one hand in my hair, showering me with praises as he tried with all his might not to thrust up, stomach clenching as I swallowed around him and I writhed, craving friction, feeling how I was basically dripping.  
“Wha-” He started as I suddenly let him go again but still pumped him with lazy movements though. I didn’t say a word, and only gave him a smile before I turned in a half circle, straddled his chest and pushed my cunt into his face, gasping slightly when his tongue flicked out to taste me again, without any question and I went back to his cock, took him into my mouth again and moaned when two fingers entered me, sending shivers through him when the vibrations of my moan made him shudder. It was hard to focus, with his tongue licking down between the lips of my cunt, dipping his tongue in to join his fingers and then moaning when I repaid him, deepthroating his cock as far as I could, feeling my eyes tearing up slightly and I focused on breathing through my nose instead.  
“Baby, I-” He moaned, choked a little as he stopped his movements and I let him go, a small pop from my mouth as his wet cock fell back on his stomach, “I need to be inside you, now” He said, almost like he ordered me and I bit my lip, sat back up and he turned me around again with a tap on my hip. He sighed, breathlessly, before he sat up against the pillows, signalling for me to join him with a flick of his wrist. I sat down in his lap again, my legs on the side of his hips, chest flushed against his and captured his lips with a breathless gasp as he cupped my face with both hands, kissing me like my lips was the reason he breathed and I rolled my body against his, my skin prickling when my lower stomach pressed against his cock and he broke the kiss with a soft gasp. His hands came to rest on my neck as I raised myself up slightly, one hand on his cock and the other on his shoulder, stabilising myself as I guided him to my entrance and kept our eye contact as I impaled myself, agonizingly slowly to get used to the size and I couldn’t help but close my eyes when he was finally fully sheathed inside me, my forehead resting against his as we breathed the same air.  
“Stop clenching around me” He hissed forth between tight lips and I gasped,  
“I’m sorry, I just… I can’t help myself”  
I choked on my breath and tried to move, still adjusting to the size, just a little and his hands splayed on my back instead, making sure that I didn’t lose my balance as I shuddered and gripped his arm to keep him close. He placed a kiss on my shoulder and gripped me tighter, raising my body slightly as he hugged my frame,  
“You feel so good babe, so tight around my cock. I could stay like this forever, in your pulsating heat” He whispered, and my head fell back as I moved again, desperate for friction, my need for release so deep that it shook me. His hands travelled down to my ass and he helped me as I moved again, lifting me up almost completely before letting gravity do its thing and I fell back on his length again with a choked moan. He repeated the action and I pressed him close to me, trapped my boobs between our flushed chests, my arms around his neck and he nibbled my exposed throat again, “Tell me your mine” He said, knowing the answer but longing for confirmation anyway, before he swallowed hard, hands squeezing my ass and helped lifting my body again, and I choked on a breath, “I’m yours darling, I’m yours. Please, just… more, I need more”  
“More again? You’re so needy for me, huh?” He repeated, taking the request as a challenge and I swallowed hard before I met his eyes again, and a gasp left my lips from the diabolical fire burning in them. Before I knew it, I was on my back again and he pulled out completely before plunging even deeper into me and I gripped into him hard as he thrusted, setting a pace that made my body shake. My head fell back, and he kept his arms around the small of my back, letting me become putty in his arms as my back arched.  
“So good, fuck. You’re being so good to me” He gasped out in the crook of my neck, his hands travelled as he sat up slightly, placing one hand on the side of my face, kissed me with a sharp gasp and let the other hand close around my throat and my head fell back again as he pressed his thumb over my windpipe. He leaned back, watching me with a tilt on his head. Placed the hand that's been on my cheek around my waist instead, his fingers digging into the flesh there as he pounded into me,  
“You like this baby girl?” He asked, voice hoarse and husky, teeth biting into his lower lip as his gaze flicked from my eyes to his cock, “You like it with my hand wrapped around your throat? My cock disappearing within you like that” A shaky, controlled breath left his lips as he cursed, eyes straining as he gripped my throat tighter and I nodded, almost frantically, not able to find my voice to speak. A shaky inhale made his chest shudder as he watched himself disappear around the lips of my cunt over and over and over again, “God, I love you so much” He said, voice so full of affection that I choked on a gasp and his lips were on mine again, my mind cloudy with ecstasy as he moved with me, slowed down his movements for a short while, to just feel me, kissing me with the same warmth I’d come to crave, came to need to even be able to breathe properly,  
“Are you close?” He asked and I nodded again, clenched around him to tease him and his breath hitched, “Touch yourself then, I wanna feel you clench just like that when you cum” I swallowed hard and his hand moved to rest on my chest instead to stabilise himself as he snapped his hips even harder against mine and I choked on my breath when I pressed two fingers on my clit, tilted my hips down to make it more accessible and separated my legs even further, my head fell back as an even more intense pleasure shot through my body and I only had to rub for a few seconds, he was filling me up so much that it was impossible for me to stop myself, and I was gone awkwardly fast, my body tensing up as pleasure made my brain foggy, pulsing through my body like tidal waves crashing, and a breathless scream left my lips as my eyes glazed over, my hearing blew out and my fingers grew numb. Hongjoong swore as I clenched around him, hard, like I wanted to suck him into my body and he almost stilled his movements completely.  
“I… can I… cum inside you?” He choked and I nodded, “Please. Fill me up” He thrusted and I clenched around him, spurred him on even faster and my eyes teared over with emotion as I watched when he fell as well, tensing up and buttomed completely inside me, head falling back and breathy pants escaped his throat, and I moaned with satisfaction when I felt him twitching inside me, some of his cum spilling out before he was even finished, his body shuddering against me and I kept clenching, tried to keep it inside me as he pulled out, and he wet his lips before he bit down on it as he watched his creation, the way he’d wrecked my body completely.  
“Fuck baby” He whispered with admiration as I let go and let his cum ooze out, coating the lips of my cunt, and it was as if he couldn’t help himself as he reached forward to scoop some of it out of me and brought it to my lips. I licked his fingers clean and he sighed with hooded eyes before he leaned down to capture my lips again, tasting himself on me.  
-  
I woke up with him next to me that following morning, his naked body pressed onto mine and I reached forward to stroke my thumb over his cheek, happiness bubbling in my belly as I watched him. Knowing that he was mine and mine alone.


	12. That red velvet suit of his

12th of August and I was alone, “I’m still a bit disappointed that you didn’t warn me” I could hear that he pouted, the wind blew gently through the phone line on his side, and I sighed, missing him where I sat on my own in the empty space of my hotel room, still Australia, just half an hour away, so near but still so far away from him,  
“You know I couldn’t do that for you” I said with a sad sigh, “The directors had forbidden us to say anything because they wanted your reactions to be genuine” I heard him scoff on the other end, a bit distant as he walked through the backyard of the house they lived in the following two nights,  
“I guess… but I still don’t understand why you couldn’t come with us” He trailed off, muttering and I chewed the inside of my cheek, falling back on the pillows in my bed, “They didn’t want you to be distracted from doing the mission you’re assigned… and they need me more in LA, with KCON and your final mission in Grand Park…” I said and he hummed, muttered and cursed the production team for separating us and I knew that he’d accepted, but wasn’t happy with my answer,  
“I miss you” He sighed, and I smiled, feeling my heart aching to touch him.  
“I miss you too, love” I said, and he exhaled a small laugh, “The love of your life?” He asked and I knew that he was teasing but couldn’t help but agree,  
“The love of my life”  
“I’d like that” He chuckled, gently and with a voice soft from affection and I swallowed hard, teeth clenched as I unhappily pursed my lips, missing him even more when he spoke in that tone that made me feel so special,  
“How is it where you are? Is it a nice place?” I asked while combing my fingers through my hair, looking out through the window from where I laid, at the same moon that he was probably watching as well.  
“It’s nice, I’m rooming with Youngie for a chance. It’s just one bed but we’ll fit”  
“Wow, that’s someone I never expected to be jealous of” I said, joking of course and he snorted before he chuckled lightly at my words,  
“There’s a pool, a trampoline, a big kitchen and a living room, it’s spacious, modern…” He trailed off again and I frowned.  
“What’s on your mind?” I asked and I could almost hear him swallow deep on the other end,  
“Hyung talked to me just earlier, after dinner. When the cameras shut down momentarily and we’d cleared the table. He knows about us, recognized the change of air, just like you’ve warned me about for months and asked, ‘Do you ever regret it? Regret this life?’ and I got scared, of course” I nodded and hummed in response, the frown still on my face, “So I asked if he felt like quitting, if the pain he’d been feeling lately was getting too much but he shook his head with a smile, and said that he asked for me, for my sake. If I regretted that I chose to be an idol since I’d found love and wasn’t allowed to act upon it, at least not in the way we both wished and… I dunno, it got me daydreaming. About living in a big house like this one, with several small rooms and a big pool, about a large living room and a big table and I…” He sighed, swallowed deep again, “I want that, with you… in the future”  
I chewed on my lower lip, my soul sang with happiness, and I paused, a deep longing that I’d never experienced exploding in my stomach, making my heart jump and picking up in speed as I thought about his words. Closed my eyes and imagined a big house myself, maybe in the outskirts of Seoul, living like my friends did, with a family of my own. Children with my hair colour and Hongjoong’s eyes, his cute little nose or the curve of my lips. Tiny copies with the same passion for creation as we had, maybe one with his talent for music and another with my work ethic and I felt tears flowing over in my eyes faster than I could comprehend.  
“Sorry, it’s a silly thought. I shouldn’t hav-” He started, and I could hear how flustered he’d become.  
“No, I… I’d like that” I interrupted, my voice cracked, and I took a controlled breath.  
“Oh no, I didn’t mean for you to cry, babe” He said with a gentle voice and I dried my eyes, before I swallowed down the heavy feeling in my throat, clearing it with a small cough and swallowed hard again.  
“I love you” I said, and he chuckled again, and I closed my eyes as I smiled, feeling the sound of it resonating with every piece of my being,  
“I love you too… the love of my life”  
-  
The flight to LA was bothersome, lonely and I sighed deeply when I put a sleeping mask over my eyes after I’d turned up my nose and not wanting to eat when it was served. Not in the mood for food at all and encouraged Eunji to have it instead. She’d told me the other day that she was pregnant, just passing week fifteen and I congratulated her, of course, surprised that I knew so little about her, not even aware that she had someone to come home to at the end of the day.  
She offered me a snack bar several hours later as a thanks for my meal, but I kindly declined it. Call me silly, but I didn’t feel whole when I sat there on my own, and the feeling both terrified me and filled my heart with an aching longing, an uncomfortable but familiar, indisputable feeling of the loss I recognized from the time I’ve spent away from the ones I love.  
I’d always considered myself independent, proudly exclaiming that ‘my work is my life and I don't need any man to force me to become a housewife’ every time my grandparents reminded me that I should find a husband soon.  
But I wasn’t independent now, I was lonely. I wasn’t hungry even though I hadn’t had a proper meal since that morning, more than ten hours ago. I wasn’t even tired. Awake for half the time spent under the sleeping mask, just thinking instead of actually sleeping. It wasn’t surprising, even though I dreaded that deep-rooted feeling that resonated in the debts of my heart. I was so rarely alone anymore, spending every minute of my life for the past months thinking, feeling and breathing Hongjoong and nothing else. The need for him as vital as air nowadays and I think that it was the thought of that, the sort of realization, that scared me the most.  
I shuddered from the cold that crept up on me, clasped my hands in my lap and leaned against the wall of the plane, listening to the music the boys had made, smiling softly for myself every time I heard the familiar voice of a rapper, missing him more than I ever thought I could miss another person.  
-  
The 14th, 07:00 and I could breathe again. Hongjoong’s bag at his feet, his arms around my body and his nose nuzzled in my hair, holding me tight. Like he never, ever wanted us to be as far apart again, half a world between us for the past two days and even though he was tired, still drunk with sleep and with the jet lag like a thick blanket over his mind, he still wanted to see me before he did anything else. We were alone and I wanted nothing more than just pull him into my hotel room, undress him and just lose ourselves in the immense and reckless need we craved. But there wasn’t any time, we barely had time to even stand there in each other's arms. Hongjoong quickly looked either side of the so far empty corridor before he cupped my face and planted his lips on mine, delicately and with a hushed whiny moan escaping his throat as I buried my fingers in his hair, tugged on the longer strands in the back and flushed my body against his as his tongue flicked out to taste my lips. We got interrupted, just as I was flicking out my tongue to meet his, a door a bit further down opened and then slammed shut and I quickly took a step back, breaking the kiss in the process and clenched my teeth when the staff member gave us a curious look as they passed. Hongjoong still leaned against the door frame of my open door and send them a look back, one eyebrow raised, and his head slightly tilted like he challenged them to keep their mouths shut about the gossip they probably still were going to spread about us. They entered an elevator at the far end of the corridor, and I sighed, meeting Hongjoong’s eyes from underneath his fringe as he turned back to me, my frown turned into a smile when I met his amused expression. Couldn’t help myself from reaching out and combed the hair back, out of his eyes. He leaned into my touch, took my hand in his and pressed a sweet kiss on my wrist, my pulse picking up against the softness of them.  
-  
LA, the 17th and I held my breath when I fixed Hongjoong’s bowtie, biting my lip and avoided his gaze until I was finished. He smirked, knowingly and I sighed, clenched my jaw and let my fingers linger on his neck. He looked amazing, so gorgeous it was almost unreal. The slick back faded red hair, almost a purple hue in it now, matching the red in his velvet suit and I wet my lips before I finally met his eyes. Lenses clouding the natural brown in them and he raised his brows, as if he still was surprised by my need for him.  
..  
Ten minutes later and we’re pressed against each other in a small dressing room a few doors away from the others. His tongue in my mouth, my hands in his pants and his hands in my hair, tugging on it to get closer to me.  
His hushed moans against the nape of my neck when I jerked him of, fast and hard, slipping my thumb into the slit of the head and his motions as he pressed me down on my knees with both hands on my shoulders, impatient and hungry for release and I comply without question, knowing that he’ll gladly repay me ten folds when we’re alone later.  
Him biting down on his knuckle when my lips closed around his stiff cock, already leaking with pre-cum, enticed from our endless teasing throughout the day. Every small touch, every look, every comment, all leading up to this moment as I bob my head, hollowed my cheeks and sucked hard, letting him hit the back of my throat and choked slightly as I took too much too fast, so excited to please that tears formed in my eyes. His fingers comb through my hair, holding it back out of my face as I looked up on him, meeting the blueish grey gaze of his. He cursed, whispering sweet words, “You’re doing so good, babe. Taking everything at once” and, “Fuck baby girl, you look so beautiful like this, putting those pretty pink lips to work” and, “God, I wanna fuck you so much right now. Let me fuck you, please?”  
My heart hammered hard at the urgent request and I let him fall out of my mouth again, suddenly appreciative of the still hot outside and my light clothes as I stood up again, without a word and Hongjoong’s mouth fell open when I turned around, leaned over the make-up table in front of me and pressed my ass towards his cock, a low needy gasp escaping his lips when his hands roamed underneath my skirt, stroking over the swell of my ass before he clenched my thighs hard, eager and demanding in his desire to claim me, separating them with slick fingers and I held back a loud moan as he moved my panties to the side, pressed the head of his cock against my entrance, paused and met my eyes in the mirror in front of us. I nodded, gulping before I licked my lips suddenly dry lips and watched as his expression changed when he entered me, keeping eye contact the entire time. A whole sentence of curses left his lips as his head fell when he bottomed out and he rested his forehead against my shoulder blade for a few seconds, warm panting gasps against the spot before he pressed a kiss there and I leaned forward before I pressed back against him again, riding his cock to urge him to move.  
“So amazing babe, feel so good… I…” He trailed his fingers against my neck, the first few thrusts agonizingly slow and I thrusted back against him, greedy for the friction I craved and he seemed to notice it to, the sweet touches turned dominant in a heartbeat as his fingers trailed up the back of my head where he took a handful of hair and pulled, hard. My head snapped back in the motion and I gasped in surprise, as he began pounding into me, and I had to take a hard grip on the edge of the table to make sure that the sound of thrusting against the wall wouldn’t be noticeable. Biting hard into the bottom of my lip to suppress a yelp as he placed kisses and nibbles along my throat, and clenched my jaw, desperate to not let a sound escape,  
“Look at us, look at you” He said, admiration in his voice as he met my eyes in the mirror again. My boobs bouncing with every movement and his other hand came up to cup his hand over the left one, kneaded it hard before he played with the nipple underneath my clothes and my head fell back on his shoulder as he let go of my hair to place that hand over my throat instead, his chest pressed against my back and I arched my back to meet his every thrust, panting out gasp after gasp as he got closer and closer.  
It didn’t take much, just a few more thrusts and he gave me a quick glance to get my approval, and I bit my lip while nodding once just before he fell over the edge, twitching as he came inside of me. I didn’t care that I was nowhere near finishing, just clenched around him to prolong his orgasm, milking him dry inside of me. Some cum trailed down my legs as he pulled out and he gave me a quick sweet kiss before handling me some tissue paper to clean myself up as well as I could before we exited the room, innocent looks on our faces and I spend the rest of the evening, between the screams of Atiny and conversations with the staff, getting more and more wet when Hongjoong’s cum slowly dripped out of me.  
..  
Five hours later, in his hotel room after sharing a shower and he’s flat on his stomach with his head between my legs, eating me out agonizingly slowly. My fingers played with his hair, showering him with compliments as he came up for air for the fourth time. He placed sweet kisses on the insides of my thighs, watching me as I choked on a gasp when two fingers entered me, tickling that sweet spot that made me writhe.  
“Are you close?” He asked, as if I hadn’t cum twice already, his chin still wet and he licked his lips, swallowing hard as I nodded, feeling that familiar fire flare up again as he pressed his tongue flat on my clit again, licking up my juices like it’s the best thing he’d ever tasted and I gasped out a breathless moan as he pushed me over the edge for the third time that evening.  
-  
“It’s raining and all I can think about is you” Hongjoong’s voice was soft through the phone line and I giggled at his words,  
“I remind you of the rain?” I asked and he paused for a few seconds,  
“No… it’s the feeling I have in my heart when I’m without you. I was trying to be romantic, ok?” He whined and I chuckled at his cute attempt, knowing but not admitting that he'd succeeded completely.  
“But I left you off at the dorm literally three hours ago” I said, and he sighed at the other end and muttered "Still miss you though” with a pout on his lips.  
It had been two busy weeks, coming back home from both Australia and the US to immediately going to the “Soribada awards” The rush when the boys actually won an award for best performance, K-world Festa right afterwards and now, finally, having a day off to get back on our feet. We’d arrived that morning and it was just before 10:00 when he called me to complain about how bored he was. I was seated in my sofa, watching how the rain splattered hard against my living room window while I wrapped the blanket I had thrown over my shoulders tighter around my body, shivering and missing his warmth against mine, my TV on and though voices came through, I wasn’t focused on listening and kept it on more like a white noise in the background.  
“What are you doing today?” He wondered, with a voice that begged me to be free, to make time for him and I restlessly combed my fingers through my hair,  
“Nothing really. There’s a movie on the TV but I’m unsure what it’s about still, we’ll see if I’ll find something to do later”  
“Can you come over? I’d come to you but… you know… I don’t have a driver's licence and my manager doesn't want us to go out today” He asked, and I looked out the window again, debating whether or not it was worth getting completely drenched.  
“As soon as the rain will calm down” I promised and could hear how he smiled happily at the other end of the line.  
..  
Two hours later and I’d collected the lunch I just made into equally big boxes, before putting them in bags and walked down to my car. It had stopped raining and the sun had come out, the warm beams quickly dried up the puddles and send a nice, earthy smell into the air. The ten-minute ride went quickly, without much traffic and I unlocked the boys’ dorm with a smile on my face. Four of the members; Mingi, Wooyoung, San and Jongho flocked around me immediately, already greeting me as I walked through the front door, immediately noticing the delicious smell that spread through the room from the bags I’d placed on the floor while taking off my shoes.  
“You brought food?” Wooyoung exclaimed happily and I nodded while hanging my coat.  
“Homemade? Did you make this noona?” Seonghwa had joined and helped unloading the bags in the kitchen and Yeosang was quick to follow, the drone he’d been flying out of his room crash landed on Yunho’s head as the latter walked straight into its trajectory. I held back a laugh when Yunho caught it before it hit the ground and he gave his younger bro a look, like he was trying to scold him for being reckless but simply couldn’t because it was Yeosang and he already looked mortified of what had happened.  
I blushed as I followed the boys into the living room, “Yeah, I hope you like it” I said and was quickly attacked as they sandwiched me between them in a group hug, appreciative of my caring side since they very, very rarely had a home cooked meal nowadays. Most of the members didn’t even know how to cook and the ones that could, didn’t have the time that was needed, preferring to place it on things they actually enjoyed doing instead.  
“Hello” A familiar body pressed up on mine as soon as the members had dissolved around me, sat down, distributed the food and immediately dug in, humming with enjoyment,  
“Hi” I returned the hug, inhaling the scent of him as he held me close,  
I could see that Seonghwa watched us in my peripheral, just above Hongjoong’s shoulder, a sad smile on his lips as he paused for only a few seconds between the bites of food. I knew what he was thinking, recognizing that look in his eyes by now and tried not to think about the pain of it as Hongjoong cupped my face and pressed his lips on mine in a sweet kiss. More of the members watched as we parted, wearing similar sad smiles, and I sighed, happy but frustrated that it had to be like this. That we had to hide.  
“This is some good food; she certainly is wife material. That’s for sure” Wooyoung said, with his mouth full and we laughed, the atmosphere changed into a carefree, happy one and I blushed slightly, avoiding Hongjoong’s eyes as he watched me, the warmth I knew was there still showered my entire being.  
-  
“Do you remember back in the beginning of March? We were in LA; I think it was the day after I made my first move on you?” Hongjoong asked.  
It was a few days later and we laid on their balcony, pillows under our heads as we watched the clouds in the sky, dressed for the still warm weather outside.  
“Yeah?” I frowned thoughtfully,  
“I… still regret saying the things I said back then. I was jealous. Of San. Of the attention you gave him when I did you wrong. Of our situation and the fact that I knew how much you craved me as well. I thought you were silly when you rejected my request of just hooking up, realizing much later that you were right to be careful. I wish I’d just come clean with how I felt around that time, that it wasn’t just attraction I felt for you. It could’ve saved me from many sleepless nights” I turned to look at him, surprised, but he refused to meet my eyes, embarrassment flushed his cheeks, “I was afraid that you’d turn me down because of how I acted. I knew back then just as much as right now, how love feels, how much I desired you. Not just your appearance and how you make me feel, but the way that I… need you. Almost like oxygen. Your presence both when you’re with me and the way you linger in my thoughts when you’re not, your opinions, your small smile when I look at you, the way my body fizzles like champagne whenever you touch me, how my blood boils when I think about you and the things I want to do with you. Nothing has changed, I was just scared of admitting it back then. I’m still scared of admitting it, scared that they’ll take you away from me if I ever say it too loudly. Scared that you will leave because you’ll find someone closer to your own age, someone that give you all their time, someone more mature, someone you can settle down with and have the family life I know that you want… and I… I’m scared that I need **you** more than you need **me**” He wet his lips, cheeks flushing from the big, heavy words, swallowed deep and my heart hammered as I watched him, the pulsating feeling of tender endearment between us made me nervous, restless and forced me to sit back up. Hongjoong looked up at me, sorrow and fright that I’d just stand up and leave shadowed his eyes, but I didn’t do as he’d expected, I just leaned back against the wall of the building, the stony surface was hot from the warming sun.  
“I felt the same back then, the way you describe. I feel the same right now. It scares me as well. I don’t want you to get punished for being with me. Even if we’ve been careful, I’m still scared. I wish things were different, I wish I could kiss you and hold your hand whenever I want. I wish we could go on a date once in a while, in nice clothes and not hiding with face masks, caps and oversized clothes just after darkness falls… But it’s ok, because I love you and I don’t need all of those things, I just need you to love me, to want the same things as me. I want a family with you in the future, not anyone else. Even if I have to wait over a decade before it happens” He averted my eyes again, a small smile on his lips and I chewed on the inside of my cheek, “I’ve always felt like you’re the one that doesn’t need me, though. I’m disposable, you’re the idol. I could get fired tomorrow and the next person can just literally pick up where I left off. Your entire stage wardrobe for the next concept is finished, I have a whole storage with clothes, catalogued in order for interviews, fan signings and showcases that will last until Christmas and I finished mending the last piece of accessory three days ago...”  
“Babe…” He interrupted in a murmur, like a warning.  
But I didn’t listen, “No, really. You’re set for the next following months and I-”  
“Babe!” He suddenly said, not loud to rouse suspicion but enough to startle me as he sat up as well and ripped the sunglasses off his face to make proper eye contact with me, “I’m not scared of losing my stylist. I’m scared of losing you, the love of my life. I’m scared that they’ll force you off the company and create some kind of restraining order that’ll keep me from seeing you” His face was flushed with an angry red and I swallowed, realizing what he was talking about and felt my heart sink to the bottom off my stomach, sorrow and helplessness picking at it like sharp needles,  
“I’m sorry” I said, and his face immediately soften while he shook his head,  
“No, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to be rude… I just…” He shrugged and I took his hand in mine, squeezed it and pulled him towards me, “You’re everything to me. You, the members, my music, my family back home, atiny of course, it’s all connected in a big circle of what I need in life and you’re at the epicentre of it all. You have my heart; I don’t think I’d survive an entire day if you wouldn’t be there with me”  
My bows furrowed as I reached out for him, squeezing his hand in mine.  
“I’m not joking” He said, eyes so sincere that my heart flipped in my chest, “Whenever we’re together, I feel at home”  
-  
The two weeks that followed was filled with new choreo, finishing up the mixing on the new album and preparing for the comeback in early October. I rarely saw them, too busy with my own part in the comeback that soon enough it was the 14th of September and the time for a change of style had arrived. The same hairstylist who’d done Hongjoong’s red hair had him sit in a stool as I brainstormed ideas with her. Explaining the concept and how I imagined his look to be. She nodded, thought for a while, and Hongjoong watched us. Half worried and half intrigued. I gave him a bright smile, persuading him without effort to trust me and he returned the smile with a sigh, wet his lips and clasped his hand when the stylist tugged on his fringe,  
"How do you feel about an undercut? And a change of colour?" She asked and he bit his tongue, a bit unsure.  
I placed my hand on his shoulder, my fingers briefly brushed over the hair in his neck, and he met my eyes in the mirror, a gulp made his Adam's apple bob and the stylist glanced at the motion before she looked away again, as if she quickly realized she witnessed something she shouldn't have seen.  
"Like a military cut hairstyle?" I asked and she shrugged and nodded,  
"I think it would fit well with what you've told me"  
I nodded as well, a bit thoughtful but trusting her professional judgement, smiled and met Hongjoongs eyes again, "What do you think Joongie?"  
He pursed his lips at my question and turned around in the chair, "Are you sure, b-" He coughed, nearly calling me 'babe' in front of my distant co-worker, his gaze flicked as he scratched his neck, "Because I trust you with everything I got. You know that, right? I need you to be sure"  
"I know, I'm sure" I said and the hairstylist looked away from us, her cheeks a faint rosy colour and I wondered what went through her head as she turned on her heel to fix the bleach that would take away the familiar red I'd loved for months.  
-  
It was the 18th, a few hours after the new comeback photos released and we walked hand in hand down the Han River in a secluded park, almost a mile from the main buzz in the big town. Hongjoong with a cap over his eyes and a mask over the rest of his face. Dressed in a tee and a light jacket, his usual black slacks and regular sneakers. It was risky, walking like we did in the open, but we’d checked, and double checked to make sure that no one had followed us. It was a sunny, beautiful day and we’d been chatting about music, about fashion, laughing and enjoying our time together, knowing that we wouldn’t be able to spend so much time with each other, not in the same way at least, after their comeback in just over two weeks. The mood surrounding us was light and bright, and I felt like nothing at all could disrupt the feeling between us. I had everything I wanted, right there, in my hand, walking beside me and though it was tough, needing to hide all the time and not being able to shower him with affection I felt for him at any given moment, there was a time and place for everything. Our feelings were great, the sex was great, everything was great, but I still felt a feeling of fear, like I’d done since we first slept together. A sick, retching part of my being that tried to persuade me that everything was going to go to hell.  
“What are you thinking about?” He asked with a worried sigh, stopping under a tree, the leaves were still a light yellow, but you could see that autumn was coming, give it just a month and the same leaves would be a bright brown instead. He grabbed my other hand in his as well and squeezed softly, encouraged me to speak,  
“I just have a bad feeling” I said and bit my lip, looking around us with an anxious gaze as he sighed,  
“And you’ll always have, it’s inevitable, for as long as we’re together” He placed his hand on my cheek instead and I tried to turn him down, to not make it look like we were an actual couple. But I couldn’t. Of course, I couldn’t. I could only sigh as he took a step forward, gave me a small smile and pulled down the mask to let it rest over his chin before he pressed his soft lips onto mine.  
-  
“Are those flowers?” I asked, dressed in sweatpants and an old tee. It was evening, the 22th and I was not expecting a visitor at all, but didn’t mind the company as Hongjoong chuckled sweetly behind a bouquet of roses,  
“Yeah, last time I checked at least” He answered, a teasing twinkle in his eyes from the obvious answer and I blushed slightly while looking away, taking a step to the side to invite him in,  
“... Why?” I asked and squinted at him thoughtfully, but he only shrugged as he helped me take down a vase from the top of my kitchen cabinets.  
“I wanted to give you flowers, that’s what you do when you love someone, right?” He said and gave me a smile while I placed the flowers in water.  
“Thank you, they’re beautiful” My stomach did somersaults at the sweet action and I felt a warmth spread in my chest as he embraced me, after removing the cap on his head. He wore a dress shirt tucked into his jeans, a light jacket which was longer in the sleeves, giving him sweater paws as he pressed his hands against my back in the long hug.  
“You’re beautiful” He whispered into the nape of my neck and I swallowed hard at his words, my brows furrowed as the familiar strained feeling of sadness rippled through me.  
-


	13. That pair of black jeans of his

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter, yay it's finally here!! Thank you to everyone who has read this so far. I really appreciate it ♥ Please, please leave a comment (if you want) I'd love to hear what you thought about it!  
TW, this chapter has mentions of self harm and depression. I won't tag it though, since it's just a small part towards the end of this chapter

“You two, you can stay” Eunji said, harshly and I looked up from my papers, surprised at who she was referring to until I realized that she looked straight at me, before her eyes flicked over to Hongjoong at the other side of the table as well. I looked up at the members surrounding him, all standing up and ready to walk out of the meeting room we were in. We’d had a discussion, all members and staff, designers and stylist, both make-up and hair about the new comeback, the goal we had in mind, the wardrobe and suggested main looks, not only for the stages but for every day. Sponsors for their airport fashion, looks for photoshoots etc.  
“Why?” Jongho asked, brows furrowed angrily, fists clenched, and he looked like he was wanted to punch the information out of her, ready and fully armed to defend his noona and hyung with everything he got. He wouldn’t of course, he wasn’t a violent person, not to mention that Eunji was a little over 22 weeks pregnant.  
She clenched her teeth and placed her hands reflexively over the swell of her belly, “It doesn’t concern you Mr. Choi. Please refer to mention this meeting in the future. Now excuse us, you will either exit this room or be escorted out”  
The members sighed with the knowledge that they couldn’t do anything and Seonghwa gave us the sad smile he’d given us for the past two months. The one that knew, just as well as the feeling in my heart that our time was out. The clicking noise of the door shutting made me flinch slightly and I looked down on the stack of paper in front of me, a revolting feeling simmered in the pit of my stomach and I swallowed hard when Eunji called my name, making me look up and meet her eyes, my gaze flicked to the only other two that sat next to her; Hongjoong’s manager, who had a small polite smile on his lips and the man who’d been on my job interview but I’d never learned the name of. I only knew that he was Eunji’s boss. The little brother of the CEO and the one who had the whole marketing and design team around his little finger.  
“When we hired you, nearly a year ago, you signed your name on a contract that clearly said, and I quote ‘any sort of involvement, be it romantically or sexually with your designated clients will lead to your immediate termination and your possibilities of growing within the company or any other company will disappear’ Is that correct?” Eunji drilled her eyes into me and I opened my mouth to answer but the panic that quickly erupted in my heart like a volcano of anxiety made me lose my voice. My gaze automatically flicked over at Hongjoong instead, sitting at the other side of the table, eyes begging for his support and he nodded slightly with a small reassuring smile on his lips. I swallowed hard and wondered for a split second if he hadn’t realized what was going on until I recognized the frightened look that shadowed his eyes as well.  
“Yes, that correct” I managed to say after inhaling deep, my voice waved slightly and Eunji smiled, politely with a nod towards her boss who reached into a bag next to him and pulled out a series of photos, laid them out one by one on the table, and the thick, tense atmosphere in the room became more and more chilly. One was off me and Hongjoong together, in the park we’d been in a week ago, walking hand in hand, another of us looking at each other with a look only lovers gave, the following of him squeezing my hands, us kissing and lastly one where we parted, the zoom on Hongjoong’s face and there was no doubt in the world, the photo quality was steady and good, that it was him.  
“This was taken a week ago by a major fan site of yours. Explain” Eunji’s boss said and a shiver ran down my back from the cold stare he gave me, arms crossed over his chest and I felt so small under it, so insignificant, like I was a bug under his shoe.  
“I love her” Hongjoong said with a shrug, mirroring the same cold eyes the other man had and crossed his arms, a smile of defeat on his lips and my heart sank to the bottom of my stomach as I gave him a look, tears already in my eyes from the death sentence he just handled me, “Come on, babe” He glanced over at me, keeping the smile and shrugged. Jaw clenched as he raised his brows, “They want an answer and that’s it. It’s clearly me. I can see that, you can see that, everyone in this room can see that. They’ve been waiting for this proof for months and this is it” He snorted out a small laugh, shaking his head in disbelief and looked over at his manager who gave him a scolding look. Not happy at all, not only by the fact that we’d been doing something we absolutely shouldn’t but the fact that we’d also been caught doing so.  
“We’ve paid a lot of money to get these photos, Mr. Kim and make sure that it doesn’t get out to the public. You might think this is funny, but I assure you it’s not. A situation like this could ruin your reputation. KQ is not a big company, you would not only throw yourself into the abyss but everyone who has worked with you to make sure that you are where you are right now” Eunji’s boss scolded with a harsh voice and Hongjoong sighed, cleared his throat, straightened his back and clasped his hands, rested them on the table instead, his smile gone and he tilted his head, a serious look on his face instead,  
“I love her. She loves me. Is it really such a crime?”  
“You’re violating a rule that exists for a reason, it’s perverted, morally wrong. You’re her client” Eunji’s face flushed red before she turned to me, clearly distressed by the situation “And you” She almost gasped, pointing at me with an accusing finger, “You were god sent, an angel in so many ways, making my job into the dream I’d always wished for. Everything you did seemed like it was so easy, so obvious. Why? Why do you do this to me? Why do you destroy everything you’ve been working for? You’ve been digging yourself into this grave, into this **hell** for what? For an _idol_? For a love that cannot prevail? You were my friend, the best friend I’d had in years until you just had to destroy everything” She was almost hysterical, and I swallowed hard at her words. Hongjoong’s manager gave her a worried look and placed his hand on her shoulder.  
“Easy, Eunji-nim. You must think about the baby” His words held a similar tone to one I recognized, and I paused, furrowed my eyebrows and time seemed to slow down as I watched their body language. The gentle hand on Eunji’s shoulder, her clenched jaw as she fought not to smile bright as him. I pursed my lips in thought and then glanced over at Hongjoong before I made the connection, flashbacks played in my head like a movie. Eunji and the manager talking together in hushed voices, looking around them to make sure that no-one gave them a second glance, touching each other innocently but without a clear intention, on the arm, the shoulder. The two of them grabbing lunch together, the fact that I hadn’t noticed that she had someone at home. It was as if a light bulb lit over my head and I tilted my head, a thoughtful look on my face as I answered her question.  
“I couldn’t help it, but you know how easy love can blossom in a place like work. Right?” Eunji’s face fell and she reflectively placed her hand on her stomach and the child that grew inside her, “It’s yours, right? The baby” I looked at the manager, who’s mouth fell open as I peeked behind that stoic mask of his, just for a second before he closed it again, swallowed and averted my gaze,  
“This doesn’t belong to this conversation. What we do in our time is our business” He mumbled.  
“Just like us!” I exclaimed loudly, rage and adrenaline rushing through my bloodstream and Eunji’s boss cleared your throat,  
“Enough of this circus, even though this has been a turn of events, Chung Eunji and Min Dong-hyun will be given their judgement another time. This has been dragging out on both my patience and time even though it shouldn’t even be a discussion. You” He turned to me and I swallowed hard when he drilled his eyes into mine, “Will be **immediately terminated** from you place at this company, as Kim Hongjoong’s stylist and designer” He punctuated the words carefully, just like he’d done all those months ago at my interview, like he was sure that I had a mental illness and couldn’t understand words properly, “I will **not** write a letter of recommendation. I will **not** allow you to work another day, but you will get a paid leave, this month of October for the work you have done in September” My heart shattered into a thousand pieces at the bottom of my stomach and it felt as if I’d gotten punched as I audibly gasped for air, gutted open by the razor sharp splinters of my dreams and hope about the future. Hongjoong clenched his fists on the table and he shook his head violently, like he was in disbelief of what had been said.  
“You can’t do that” His voice was shaky as he spoke, a small on his lips as if he thought it was a joke but the man who’d placed the sentence shrugged, and spoke like he was discussing the weather outside,  
“It’s the rules she signed her name under when she took the job. It’s not the first time a stylist and an idol falls in love, it’s unfortunate but it happens. Those times it does, no matter how much time has passed and how good they are at their job, they can’t keep working for clients they have a personal relationship with. It’s just wrong and makes it impossible to separate personal life with work”  
Hongjoong clenched his jaw and he looked at me from underneath his eyelashes, meeting my wet eyes as tears silently fell from them, “Will I be able to see her?” He asked, almost as a whisper.  
“If you continue to see her, romantically that is, you will be punished in ways that will not be discussed at this moment” The man said and Hongjoong sighed, still keeping his eye contact with me, tears filling his eyes as well.  
“Tell me” He said, and the man chuckled out a snort,  
“Well, it’s up for debate but take this as a warning then. You can say goodbye to writing your own lyrics. You can say goodbye to sleeping in late in days you’re free. I heard that they favoured long jogs down the Han River over at JYP before 06:00 in the morning. You can say goodbye to that big dorm you live in, just to name a few”  
Hongjoong looked away, the tears that had threatened to fall, overflowed and I choked on my breath, not daring to reach out for him over the table,  
“A new personal stylist will be selected for you Mr. Kim, someone who can simply…” He shrugged and motioned for me with his hands, smiling greatly, “Take over. Your noona here have planned everything so perfect for us that the first months will just flow past”  
“I refuse” Hongjoong said, “I don’t want anyone else than her” He met my eyes and gave me a small smile and I swallowed hard at the pain of it, my heart ached to hold him.  
The man flat out laughed, like he’d just heard a great joke, and Hongjoong’s smile fell as he flinched at the sound “You won’t have a say in the matter. You’re an idol, the leader of the group, you need a personal stylist” Hongjoong opened his mouth to protest again but the man just held up his hand to keep him silent, “Now, let’s not waste any more time. I need to talk to the CEO to make sure that all of your papers are in order and you probably want to say goodbye to everyone and collect your personal belongings at your desk”  
He stood up, walked over to me and motioned for me to do the same before he placed a hand on my shoulder to guide me out. Not letting me collect my papers still on the table, not even letting me take a final look at the love of my life. But Hongjoong stood up just as abruptly, not caring when his manager shouted out a warning, not caring as he showed the man to the side to embrace me. A whisper about how sorry he was slipping from his lips before they collided with mine and I melted into his touch, holding onto him for dear life as my knees threatened to buckle. His lips tasted of the tears that lingered on his cupids bow and I gasped out a sob, from the hurting fact that this was it.  
The end of us.  
The end of our beautiful fairy-tale.  
The end as I expected but it was so soon, so quick that it still hurt.  
It hurt so bad that I couldn’t breathe, choking on my own breath as he flushed against me as if he wanted to disappear within me, escape from this hurtful evil place with me. My hands grasping the back of his neck, feeling the stubby traces of his newly cut hair there, wanting to do so much more, hold him for so much longer but the urgent cough behind me told us to hurry up and Hongjoong broke the kiss, pressed his forehead against mine, pecked my lips again and said with a voice that broke,  
“I love you, only you, don’t you forget that. Hold onto that, ok?”  
I could only nod, and whispered, “I love you too, I will wait for you” Before I kissed him one last time and let him go, breaking down into sobs completely as I watched the smile on his lips falter, his teary red eyes closing, not able to see me leave as I turned around, the sound of him falling to his knees in pure despair when he heard me walk away made me pause in a step for a second, but the man placed a hand on my shoulder again, forcing me to keep walking.  
-  
And just like that, it was over. I got home. My phone was silent, my apartment was silent, my mind was silent. The roses I’d received a few days ago made me sob even harder and the scream of anguish I let out was muffled by the sweater that covered my palms.  
_One day_ passed and I only got out of bed to go to the toilet. Sobbing and crying for hours, going through photos of us I’d taken on my phone. Photos, I’d saved in a private folder. Ones of him in the sunset, ones at a dim restaurant at 1am, ones with him, freshly awake, laying on his back, my sheets covering the lower part of his body - all with him smiling at me behind the camera with that warmth, I feared I’d never feel again.  
_Two days_ and I retched into the toilet, forced my body to keep down a banana and a bowl of yogurt. A stylist I didn’t know the name off came to take Hongjoong’s personal clothes away from my spare wardrobe and I bit back a choked cry when the smell of him went past me as they steered the large bag out of my room. I slept in the empty wardrobe that night, bundled up with pillows and a blanket, salvaging the smell of him while crying myself to sleep.  
_Three days_ and I knew that Hongjoong sat on a plane to Thailand for KCON. Imagined his face when he fell asleep, leaning against the wall of the plane, like he used to.  
_Four days_ and I imagined how someone else dressed him up in the clothes I’d picked for him. How he’d look and how good he’d feel against me if I’d be there with him, adrenaline in his bloodstream, making him high on excitement, a rush he loved to take out on me. I buried my face in my pillow and sobbed, screamed my anger into the duvet material.  
_Five days_ and I finally got into a shower, sitting on the floor for an hour, clawing at my own skin. Hoping that I’d just disappear if I did the motion for long enough.  
_Six days_ and my wrists were bloody from me turning the scratching into a habit, I went to sleep weeping at the pain.  
_Seven days_ and I was empty. I tried to cry, tried to get angry but I didn’t feel anything at all. My mom called but I only glanced at the phone before turning over in my bed again, unable to do anything. Dishes would be piling in my kitchen at this point but to be honest, I hadn’t eaten much at all. Every bite seemed to grow in my mouth and made it hard to swallow.  
Days passed quickly after that, my mom called again, and I answered her on a text message. Only so she wouldn’t worry. I’d hate it if she’d feel forced to check up on me and see the disgusting state, I was in. The members called, each of them trying to reach out in their own way. Some of them almost angry with worry that I didn’t pick up and some of them pleading, promising not never ever annoy me for the rest of our lives. I bit my lip when I heard Jongho’s voice in the message he’d left for me, begging me to call him back.  
The 8th of October passed, and I threw my phone across the room when a notification of ATEEZ new comeback dropped into my mailbox, shattering the screen into a thousand pieces.  
The day after, mid-afternoon and a knock on the door woke me up. I turned around, groaning but the person didn’t go away and another knock was heard. I rolled out of bed with much restrain, weak from lack of energy and proper sustenance. Unlocked the door, my vision blurry and Seonghwa caught me as I almost fainted in his arms from the effort of holding myself up.  
“Noona? You’re almost just skin and bones” He exclaimed with a voice that was several octaves too high, dripping of worry as he held me up with one hand and closed the door behind him with the other.  
“I… haven’t eaten well” I admitted, shameful as he placed me down on the sofa.  
“Well you’re not the only one” Seonghwa said and averted his eyes, resting them on the healing wounds on my wrists, “It’s worse than I thought” He said to himself and I followed his gaze before I realized and quickly covered my arms with the sleeves of my shirt.  
“It’s not that bad” I tried to argue but he only gave me a look that spoke of how much he didn’t believe me at all.  
“Let’s get you into a shower, I’ll order food in the meanwhile” He said with a stern voice and I was just about to protest but he only gave me another look and I decided that it wasn’t worth it.  
If Hongjoong was the dad of the group, steering everyone with a firm but gentle fist, toward the future - Seonghwa was the mom, always making sure that everyone felt loved, always there when someone needed to talk, stubborn but with a heart of gold.  
I took off the same clothes I’d been wearing for a week and stepped into the shower, properly washed myself for the first time in two weeks, scrubbing my skin until it was rosy red and almost felt like a new person when I exited thirty minutes later, the food already on my dinner table and it was as if my body had been reborn because my stomach growled happily as the smell hit me and I sat down next to Seonghwa, a warm smile on his lips as he distributed the food and handled me some chopsticks. I dug in, choked slightly and almost retched from the unfamiliar feeling of hot food in my empty stomach and had to breathe before I took another bite, restraining myself from chewing to fast.  
“How… how is he?” I asked, silently after my bowl was empty, fearing the answer as I leaned back to let the food sink to the bottom of my stomach.  
“Do you want the truth?” He asked, averting his eyes and I hummed a ‘yes’ before I could stop myself, “It’s not good. He’s fainted twice so far, luckily not on stage but once on practice and once at home. He doesn’t eat, doesn’t sleep, not much at least, just enough to be able to get up in the morning. Keeps muttering that’s it’s all his fault, that he’s the one who should be punished” He chewed the food slowly and looked up at me from underneath his long, dark fringe,  
I rubbed my face, feeling my heart breaking from the truth, “I need to see him, I… miss him so much it hurts” I said, and swallowed. Inhaled sharply and started to mindlessly scratch at my healing wounds as flashes of Hongjoong showed up in my mind, like a movie that went faster and faster until I snapped out of it when Seonghwa placed a hand on mine to stop my movements, my nails already bloody since I scratched up the healing skin again.  
“I know, that’s why I’ve come here. I’ve been planning for a week, making sure that staff is occupied with stuff elsewhere. Today, in a few hours, take a taxi to our dorm. I’ll send one for you. I’ll keep the members out of the house, we could play a game of catch the photographer or something” He gave me a small smile and I laughed at propose, for the first time in over a week.  
..  
I was nervous as I jumped into the taxi, the ten minute ride was longer than I’d ever experienced before and I paid the man before I got out, straightened the simple clothes I wore and Yeosang and San opened the door for me, as if they’d been waiting for me just inside since my keys to their apartment was taken away when I lost my job. Giving me a large hug each before they went to the take-out place across the street, Seonghwa and Mingi waved at me in the window and I nodded at them with a smile on my lips. I went up the stairs and didn’t have to knock before Wooyoung opened the door, a happy shriek left his lips as he hugged me, Yunho joined him and Jongho showed up behind them, a small smile on his lips and I felt a tinge of guilt that I never answered his calls when he’d only cared for me.  
“I’m sorry” I said, but he but he shook his head,  
“According to Seonghwa-hyung, you almost fainted in his arms when he came to visit” He sighed and closed his strong arms around me, his smile faltered slightly when he felt how much thinner I’d gotten, “You’ve walked through hell. There is nothing to apologize for”  
I gave them a small smile and they all smiled back, motioned for the connecting kitchen and living room before leaving as well. The dorm went quiet and I swallowed, taking off my shoes and jacket before I entered the living room and came face to face with the person, I’d been missing so indescribably much these last weeks. He took a shaky inhale when he saw me, standing next to the table, take-away boxes from the same place across the street was laid out and I swallowed hard. He scratched his neck, embarrassed that he didn’t have anything else to offer in a time like this, wearing a simple light grey dress shirt tucked into black jeans, those translucent glasses of his and that new haircut that I’d barely gotten used to.  
“Hi” He said, voice deep and nervous and my heart flipped hard as tears already threatened to fall.  
“Hi” I answered, and he shuddered slightly at my voice, swallowed hard and bit his lower lip,  
“I…” He started but I couldn’t wait, couldn’t just stand there and watch him so I took three quick steps forward and his breath hitched when I placed my arms around him, feeling tears fall, as I inhaled sharply, my heart flipped like crazy in my chest as his smell surrounded me.  
“Don’t talk” I whispered out, my voice breaking, and he sighed before closing his arms around me as well, flushing our bodies close. Tears from his eyes quickly wet my shoulder as he held me, breathing in my scent with shaky breaths. He was thinner than before too, from skipping meals like I’d done and I swallowed hard we separated slightly, him still holding onto me in a death grip. He looked at me, those wonderful brown eyes of his were slightly duller than normal, probably from the pain he’d been feeling for the past almost two weeks and I gasped almost breathlessly when he placed his hand on my cheek, rubbing it softly with his thumb and I leaned into it, feeling my heart sync up with his as we breathed the same air.  
“I’ve wanted to see you as soon as I could but hyung told me that I had to be cautious, that we had to wait for the company to calm down and think that we’d gone separate ways before we could meet again. I hated him for saying so, hated him because I knew that he was right” Hongjoong said and I reached up to dry the tears from his cheeks and his eyelids fluttered shut at my touch as he leaned into it, taking a shaky breath and smiled as my fingers went up to his hair, still not used to the shortness of it.  
“Hearing you say it like that, avoiding each other was probably for the best” I said but Hongjoong shook his head,  
“It’s been agonizing. I haven’t felt like myself at all. But I’ve had my members to cheer me up, at least trying to do so. I can’t imagine how you must’ve felt…” He trailed off, closed his hands around my smaller body with a deep sigh and I shook my head,  
“Let’s not talk about the past. We’re here together and I want to enjoy the time we have”  
“About that…” He took a deep breath, like he was collecting his courage before speaking up again, “I want you back with me” He said with a confident smile, and I tilted my head, confused at his words, “I want to hire you” A wrinkle showed up between my brows as he swallowed deep, wet his lips and tried to explain himself, “I fired the person the company picked out for me within three days. Missing you too much to have another person dress me” He pouted and my heart skipped at his words, “I demanded a meeting with the same person who fired you and asked if I could hire someone myself and he said yes, the main requirement would be that the person was professional and could pick up where the previous stylist had left of, freelancer or owned by another staffing agency. I guess that he never had a thought that I would be so bold and ask you” He gave me a bright smile and I put two and two together,  
“But they will never allow you to hire me?” I asked with a sad smile and he shrugged and pursed his lips,  
“Firstly, they won’t know. I’m not required to tell them who you are, neither are the members. You could literally be anyone and secondly, they won’t have much of a choice. If everything works well and goes smooth, they have literally nothing to complain about. Millions upon millions of won has gone into making ATEEZ, and our contract still run for six more years. They can’t break it and they can’t break me. I refuse to watch you walk away one more time. You’re here to stay with me now” He sighed, and I chewed on the inside of my cheek.  
“But what if they find out and punish you?” I asked with worry, still remembering the big words he’d been threatened with.  
“They can’t. You’re not owned by the company, so they have no right to look into who puts the clothes on my body. You won’t be able to come with me on tours and you won’t have an office and we’ll have to be careful, even more careful than before. But they won’t have anything to base any allegations on. I won’t date you. Not officially at least. As far as they’re concerned, I will be having meetings with my stylist”  
I wet my lips, watching his grin and understanding that he really had thought about everything. Maybe, just maybe, this plan could work.  
“Ok” I said with a nod and he chuckled,  
“Really?”  
“Yeah, of course. You won’t lose me again” I giggled, and he picked me up in his arms, spun me around and I yelped with surprise, a yelp that quickly got silenced as he placed me back down and finally, _finally_ pressed his lips on mine. I choked on a gasp as he placed right hand on my neck, gripped my hair there and held me tighter, desperate to get closer as he flushed his body against mine. The familiar curve of his cupids bow against my upper lips made me groan softly and he responded with a humm, resonated from deep within his chest. His left hand sneaked around my waist and he arched my back slightly, hungry for more as he tasted my lips, a whiny moan escaping his and I was breathless when we separated for air, pressing our foreheads together and my heart sang happily with his, happiness bubbling in my bloodstream like fizzy champagne. He sighed and took a step back, voice hoarse when he spoke,  
“Oh, and one more thing. I’d plan it better, more romantically and not in the dorm with take-away slowly cooling on our living room table, but I never ever want to be away from you for more than a day again. These past weeks have been the most horrible ones in my entire life. Babe,” He let me go and went to the window behind him, pulled the curtain aside and grabbed a small box from its hiding place, bit his lower lip and my heart hammered hard in my chest as he went down on one knee, the diamond on the engagement ring inside the box sparkled and my breath hitched in my throat as he inhaled deeply, “You’re the love of my life. The one I want to spend every last breathing minute with. Will you do me the honour and marry me?”  
I swallowed hard, nodding, choking slightly as tears ran down my cheeks again and I fell to my knees in front of him, grabbing the collar of his shirt and press our lips together again with a sob. He wavered slightly from my attack and smiled into the kiss, cupped my face to deepen it,  
“So, it’s a yes?” He asked and I laughed, and dried my tears as we parted, skin flustered and breath hitching, both of our hearts beating hard,  
“Yes darling, of course it’s a yes” I said, and he chuckled, before placing the ring on my finger, pecked my lips again and I held him, my whole body screaming with an overflowing joy I never wanted to lose ever again.  
“I love you so much” He whispered into the nape of my neck, before placing a kiss there and I shivered as he met my eyes again.  
“I love you too” I whispered and closed my eyes as he leaned down again, kissing me like the whole world was ending, my body buzzing as warmth spread in my chest when he flushed us close again, desperate and hungry for more this time. A smile on his lips when I moaned softly as his hands went lower to cup my ass, and he gently thrusted his lips forward, rubbing his growing cock against my thigh.  
He led me into his bedroom without a word and I followed, arousal beating between my legs already and my heart hammering with excitement in my chest. He closed the door after us, just in case, before he pushed me towards his bed with a careful hand and I laid down as he followed on all fours, towering over my body and settled comfortably between my open legs before he pressed our lips together again. My tongue meeting his halfway as he licked his way into my mouth. It was wet and sloppy and my body was on fire within seconds as his hands roamed my body, undressed me in a hurry, the need to feel skin against skin triumphed over any sort of soft foreplay and I groaned when I felt him naked on top of me, his heated body pulsating with need and a craving that made me lose my breath. One hand held himself upright as he met my eyes and the other guided his leaking cock inside me as soon as I nodded to make sure that I was ok and he faltered slightly against me as he bottomed out, so deep into me as he could get and I clawed his back with my fingertips, the stretch of him so amazing that my back arched and I clenched around him without being able to stop myself. He buried his face in the nape of my neck, pressed slow kisses there until I snapped my hips, urging him to move and when he did, he leaned back, raised my lower half into his lap and took his sweet time. Watching as I writhed underneath him, his head tilted to the side and tongue between his teeth, breath in hard fast pants and eyes hooded, wonder and admiration in the deep darkness of them, hands gripping around my hips as he moved my body to meet his thrusts. Eyes flicked between my face to the way his cock disappear into my heat, for once not trying to hold back as he moaned loudly when my fingers reached between us to rub my clit, and I clenched around him as pleasure exploded like ripples in my body.  
I came before him, fell backwards into the dark abyss as he whispered how much he loved me, how good I felt around him and forced my eyes open as he bottomed out, coming inside me with a loud groan, filling me up as he fell down on my body, his cock twitched happily as I moved around him, thrusting my hips to milk him dry and he frowned when the overstimulation begun to hurt, heaved himself off me and landed next to me, placed a kiss on my shoulder and laced our hands together with a happy smile. My ring pressed between our fingers. A promise that he’d never let me go.


	14. That white wedding dress of mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Eulogy or an afterword, you might say, of the following years of their lifes.  
You don't have to read this but I just wanted to tie a knot around the whole story.  
TW. Character death, both of them - of natural old age.

Two weeks later and I signed the secret contract that would make me Hongjoong’s designer again, binding me for the following five years and he pressed a small kiss on my hand as the truck lasted off all of his things again into the storage unit I still owned.  
-  
Three months later and I introduced him to my family just after Christmas. My mother almost had a heart attack when I showed her the ring on my finger, one hand dramatically over her chest and she scolded me with a glint in her eye for never telling her anything.  
-  
Six months later and it was summer again, Ateez had topped list after list and in the speed they were proceeding, they were going to reach the stars within two years. Hongjoong was over the moon with joy, everything he’d been dreaming off and working towards was finally paying off ten folds and much quicker than any of them had expected.  
-  
Four months later and we celebrated our first-year anniversary of being engaged, walking hand in hand down the Han River again, down the same patch we’d been walking a year ago, the same one that almost ruined us. Stronger and more in love than we’d ever been. The same photos as last year was on the front page of nearly every K-pop fan site the following day, but we denied any sort of dating rumour that surrounded us. Management could only curse at Hongjoong for making the decisions he did, knowing that they couldn't do much since Ateez was basically a money bank ready to burst, photographers was on them the very second they walked outside and no punishment would ever be unseen.  
-  
One year later, and Eunji took contact with me, apologizing and explaining her behaviour two years ago. That she'd been blackmailed by a daughter of one of the higher up in the company, a clever girl who'd formed her conclusion in a similar way that I'd done. With the help of what she'd seen herself as she had access to the company and what her mother had told her at home. She'd forced Eunji to spy on us for her, with a promise that her secret would be safe if she found any sort of proof that spoked of our relationship. The daughter had simply been jealous of Hongjoong's attention on me, and in the end, just a few days prior to her phone call, admitted that she was a fan and she wanted Hongjoong for herself, proudly exclaiming that he had time to see her now that he dressed himself and the stylist he had worked at home rather than coming with them on tour. Management got word of it and fired both the daughter mother and Eunji herself because the relationship with Hongjoong's manager made their relationship official, just after she’d given birth to a healthy baby boy. Many thought that it was immoral to date within the company and that was the rule on the contract that wore both of their separate signatures. I forgave her of course, when I'd heard the whole story and we joined forces to fight the dating ban among artists and company workers, me more as a supporter in the eye of the public. We got lucky. More and more couples resurfaced through our campaign and the public was on our side, mostly because many of them was or had been in similar situation and there wasn’t much KQ and other companies could do when fans swore to boycott them. Me and Hongjoong officially came out as a couple a few weeks after the campaign as well and even though the news was received mixed reactions, most of them were happy for their leader, happy that he had someone that he loved.  
-  
Another year and Ateez had taken over the world, much like a similar boy group from a small company from years ago had done. Selling out concerts in seconds and held interviews all over the world. Me with a hand on Hongjoong's shoulder now, supporting him with everything he did.  
-  
Another year and the plus on the pregnancy test confirmed what I’d felt in my gut for the past week. Hongjoong cried when I told him, smiling bright through the tears as he placed a hand on my belly.  
-  
We brought that house we’d been dreaming about for years just after New Year’s. A big villa with a pool, a big master bedroom and enough space for a family to grow. Just outside Seoul with a fifteen minutes car ride to the company building.  
-  
The beginning of August that same year, just three months before Hongjoong’s 26th birthday, and I held a baby girl in my arms. Hongjoong was still in his stage clothes after rushing to me in the same moment the concert they’d held was over. He looked at the small bundle of joy in my arms with a love that made my eyes swam over with tears and I sighed deeply as he placed a hand on my shoulder and kissed the crone of my head before he reached forward and planted his lips on the forehead of our child,  
“Good job you two”  
-  
Our wedding was in spring, cherry blossoms falling as we promised to love each other, to be faithful and always be there for each other.  
..  
A promise I kept for the following decades. As Ateez retired, and our house filled up with grandchildren. Lived, laughed and loved. Until Death finally did us apart and those brown eyes I loved, even though they’d became duller with the years, closed for one last time. His hand soften in mine and I smiled with tears clouding my vision as he went, as graceful as he’d done with everything else he’d done in his life.  
..  
I knew it was my time before the weekend was over, heard him calling my name on the other side, the vision of him as I met him, all those years ago, appearing next to my bed. With that messy blonde hair over his forehead, apologizing for a blood red jacket I’d been sewing back together in a meeting that changed our life.  
The machine that counted my slowed down heartbeats beeped as I grabbed his hand, feeling how my body got younger again as I sat up and followed him into the light.  
Into a new life, always together, by his side and loving him, always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again so much for reading this. Take care, darlings. Much love ♥

**Author's Note:**

> As per usual, English is not my first language, there will be errors, sorry not sorry. And also please do give kudos and leave a comment if you want, it really makes me happy when my readers respond to what I've created. Much love ♥


End file.
